Here I am on the evening of the first day of November 2019. After two weeks of whoa-is-me-ing, I am here to publish a deliberate choice. I plan to find the sandbar upon which I can stand to lift my head above the waves in order to take a much needed gulp of air. The past couple of weeks have been demanding in many aspects of my life. School has been full of challenges that have made me question the level of attention I gave to my college classes all those years ago. My own children have been presented with incredible obstacles. And my community has had challenges which have made my heart heavy and given me pause as to what more I need to do to demonstrate love and acceptance. I have been working to maintain optimism on all fronts while feeling completely inept at my attempts. Yes, Eeyore has planted himself in my mind and heart, and as much as he is a lovable character in The Hundred Acre Wood, he has no place in a heart that needs to be busy living life with intention!
I think we all know it is not while we are cruising along the smooth and easy path, but indeed when we hit the inevitable potholes yet keep our cart on the road, that we grow. As one constantly seeking the call to growth, I am quite surprised and perplexed duirng these odd times when I begin to retreat and shy away from the challenges with which I am presented. Aware that this is not my norm, I also know that it is generally an indication that I need to take inventory of those around me: for if I am feeling frustrated, I know that others around me are likely feeling the same. This means it is time for me to admit my struggles, verbalize my lack of confidence and share that I too have Eeyore moments. Inevitably when I step back and reflect, pausing to accept where I must grow, my blessings come into full focus, so much so that I question what I was thinking as I trudged through my days without my drive and enthusiasm.
First: What's been going on these past few weeks? Well...
...I could not seem to adequately help the students with whom I am blessed to share this year. They are beautiful people, and when I consider the scenario in full, it is not less but more time that I wish I could have with them. They are beautifully unique people with new needs being revealed each day. It is a privilege to work and learn with them. It is in the letting go of the desire to chart progress by curricular territory covered, that I am discovering how I can best help them to learn about the many aspects of life.
...my own children, with all their teenage 'tudes, are ironically the very anchors I need to moor the boat their actions set afloat. They are deep in Algebra, Honors Geometry, Physics and Modern World Civilization. They are finishing up and lamenting the Field Hockey and Fall Cheer seasons. They are drumming and playing viola. And one is five weeks away from completing the first semester of college: by far, the fastest multi-thousand dollar expense I ever have encountered! They want to go out on school nights and to the diner after dances. They know better than to ask mom for one more thing, but do it anyway in the hope that her saying "yes" will outweigh the discomfort felt when she mentions how tired she is.
...and then there is me...in all of this, where am I? Well, I am not proud of it, but it is only in sharing the messy that we can truly confront our fears and struggles in order to learn from each other. I have been seeking refuge, falling asleep earlier and earlier in an attempt to be done with my days. I have been sleeping to the final possible responsible minute in the morning instead of my normal practice of springing out of bed ready to conquer the day. I have been neglecting my journal and foregoing my (serious) exercise. Because I have been way too busy feeling sorry for myself and thinking this life is impossible, I have even contemplated giving up on the service I enjoy so much. This is not OK! This is not me!
And second: since I am not one to allow more than a few days of 'whoa-is-me' time...
….it stops here! It is Friday night, November 1st. It is a new beginning. It is a time of appreciation for all that is wonderful, including all the struggles mentioned above. Blessings, all of it! No doubt about it!
Will I look back and long for being up with my daughter until midnight trying to explain Physics? Nope! But I will reminisce about how she wrote to me in our shared journal in order to try to express her frustration, let me know that she really is trying and implore me to be more careful with my words toward her.
Will I someday pause and wish for the days back when I was worrying about all the debt I am sure to incur with five kids pursuing their educational dreams? Nope. But I will think back to the excitement my son expressed after performing in his first college concert.
And will I look back and wish for these days when this class of students had me questioing whether or not I am qualified to teach them? Nope. But I will look back and recall how amazingly excited those students were when they heard their voices recorded in service to others; amazed at their accomplishment.
As I sit here writing, my children are reminiscing among themselves. They are laughing about injuries they've incurred due to interpersonal sibling communication and behavioral indiscretions. They are one-upping each other talking about dangerous invented games that were banned by the parental unit. They are even bringing up times when one or another of them made mom mad, so mad that she....ahem... The fact that they have these moments to remember is precious in itself. They have each other, we have our family. I have a classroom with beautiful students and a school community with incredible co-workers and friends. I can learn while those around me teach me just how much I am capable of growing and stretching. Yes, I am blessed! And I plan to enter November with a grateful heart and clear mind, knowing that I am right where I am meant to be, doing what I am meant to be doing, loving as I was meant to be loving: Living with intention, enthusiasm and a love for all that life brings. I hope you'll join me! Step aside, Eeyore...we have work to do!
