Finding "Me" on the Screen

The reflection that follows was written over the course of the past three days. However, after spending a day on the computer, I need to point out that I have had new revelations, so much so that the reflection below might prove irrelevant. But I wanted to post it in case anyone else is going through the same journey. More on that after you read what I had to say prior to today regarding this altered world of communication.

Time at home away from life's many distractions provides various alternatives to so many aspects we once took for granted. While I still enjoy the luxury of my children's company, and so distraction still prevails the majority of the time, this new lifestyle has afforded me more time with my thoughts than I previously had, and consequently, more time contemplating my "me". This is a blessing. I like to contemplate my "me". This ever changing person who grows and learns with each path on her journey and with each new person put into her life, is fascinating to study. And these current times do not disappoint in providing new material to mull and dissect in terms of who I really am at my core.

How much time do we really spend considering who we are, what is important to us or where we stand on various topics? For me, the answer is simply, not much. I tend to just go along in my day-to-day, living my "me" and watching my proximity to others take hold. I like to watch the changes elicited in both parties when I am blessed to spend personal time with someone. My "me" comes out and rubs all over the situation, causing laughter, calmness, peace and general feelings of acceptance. Just by being "me" in the presence of others, I can affect the situation, feelings and futures of those around me. And the reverse is true as well. I never leave a situation in which I was granted intimate time with someone as the same person I was before the meeting. This is the gift of being in relationship, being aware and being present.

Enter distancing...and the subsequent use of technology for communication.

And I must ask...what about now? What about these days when the only interaction is through a phone or a computer screen. The venue itself puts me on edge. I rarely, if ever, watch T.V. aside from the occasional family movie night. My ability to function in front of a screen is stressed at best, and my authentic self is compromised beyond recognition. Because my comfort zone is so challenged by these methods of communication, I wonder if people are really feeling my "me" as I try to utilize these means to communicate. How, then, am I really going to be able to have an effect on others and relax enough that they might have an effect on me in these days of distancing?  I am not so sure. You see, I never really had to explain myself. But now I feel I do. Up until now, I just would put notes on desks, gifts in doorways, hand out hugs like jelly beans: truly, until someone asked me to describe why I do certain things or what I believed about other things, I never had to give it much thought. I just did "me".  And it worked. Because I could be in the presence of others and exude my "me" on anyone who wanted to be around me. Now...somehow...I need to exude through a screen. And it doesn't seem possible.

When the kids were little, I would go to church with them...all five, sometimes six if we had a foster child.  I would always arrive early and choose a spot that was...ha!...distanced from anyone who was already there. In my mind, this allowed for anyone who did not wish to feel our family vibe to sit elsewhere. But what it really helped was my mind to know that anyone who sat near us, after clearly seeing what they were getting into, was doing so because they wanted to feel our vibe...our "us".  Much like my "me", I never wanted to impose on anyone. I just wanted to be able to be "us" and let those wishing to enjoy us and share themselves with us, to come near us. And there, I believe, is the difference. Now, when I get on that computer screen, I can't help but feel I am imposing. There is no escape except to make it through the time allotted. What if what I have to say is not enough to convey my love, my desire to serve, my capacity for taking in the other's pain and concern...what if my "me" can't show up?  Then what?

So, here I am after a day that included an almost 2 hour full-faculty meeting and a half hour Google Hangout with two students and a teaching partner.  After these two experiences, I think I have a little more insight that will help me moving forward. During the faculty meeting, I felt just what has been described above. I was out of my element, uncomfortable with the situation. That is, until at the very end, when my principal had all of us close our eyes to take a moment of peace, reflection and prayer. I sat there, eyes closed, tears streaming down my face...I finally FELT everyone in that meeting. I finally felt that I could be "me" and touch others. And for the joy of that moment, I am grateful to my principal and to the wonderful colleagues with whom I am blessed to share even these most challenging of times. Fast forward, two hours later when I sat in front of my screen that held the faces of two of my students and a dear colleague and friend. I felt more alive in that half hour than I have in the past 17 days...why? Shouldn't I hate this new medium of communication? Shouldn't I have felt out of my element?  What I think I realize is that it is not the screen or the new ways of everything in my life lately...it is that my "me" is stuck...stuck in the phase of learning that is not allowing me to feel at ease.  And so, I know that I must take my time, be patient, allow myself to feel my way forward in this darkness to find my "me" and then give myself freely and openly to those with whom I am sharing this journey, in whatever capacity I am allowed. That half hour with my students allowed me to teach. It helped me to realize once again that I am here...I am willing...I am ready to take their pain and comfort them...and just as is always truer than true, I am me.

Just Pour the Juice First...

When they were little I always would mix juice with water in the little sippy cups my children used. My daughter went through a phase that felt like forever, but like so many of their little idiosyncrasies and short term habits, somehow faded away into our memories without my knowing it was even over. During this juncture in her little life, she would watch me prepare her drink and insist that I pour the juice into the cup before the water. Try as I might to convince her that the end product would taste the same regardless of the order in which the liquids entered, she was adamant that I should follow her directive.  If I didn't because it seemed easier to grab the water first, and you know this only happened once since I am a quick learner, there was hell to pay in the form of tears and tantrum beyond any reasonable response to such perceived malice. Why???  I will never know. But what I do know now as clearly as I knew it then, is that in her mind, in her heart, and in her reality, this order of operations was imperative for her world to feel organized and manageable at that particular moment in time, and she was willing to do everything in her power to make sure it was executed properly.

Did it make a difference in the end? That depends on how the 'end' is defined. Is the end defined as the final drink's solution that was ultimately in her cup? If so, then no, it didn't matter. You and I both know, and even she would now agree, that the order would not have changed the cup's solution. If given a taste test, whether the water or juice was the first substance to enter the cup, she would not have been able to delineate the difference. But if the 'end' is to be defined as the outcome of her perceptions with regard to her mom's acceptance of her as an important human being, then yes it matters immensely that her desires and needs were honored. This little person's sense of safety and control were wrapped up in this moment and the outcome was her feeling as though she had a voice. How I treated her in this moment let her know that she mattered and that she was more important to me than the ease with which I was able to prepare her drink. Her self-worth and significance were determined by my actions and ability to allow her to have control over me at that moment.

I have had an incredible amount of verbal and written interaction with folks over the past week. People have been reaching out looking for connection, encouragement and validation of feelings that to them seem unfounded at times and understated at others. We have found ourselves in the midst of a new experience, and we don't only not know how to make it right, we don't know how we should feel about it, whom we should believe, and how we can manage the unknown. The certitude is that we have feelings...whatever they are, and those feelings change by the moment, by the input of information and by the severity with which we are faced with the reality at hand. Having a common experience will do that to people. We are, after all, social beings; swept up in the crowd and often looking to others in order to feel we are doing it right, whatever 'it' is.

People want to know how my children are managing, how I am handling the switch to digital teaching, and how I am helping my children to deal with the anxiety of the moment. Much of the time I am able to muster a response that does not betray my fear and personal struggle. I figure this is what people are seeking. They want to know that it is possible to stay positive. When they witness my optimism, it gives them hope that it is possible that they too can remain optimistic. And truly, I believe it is. But someone recently asked me to share the rest of my story. The story that I share only with those I know will understand that what I am saying is just a little blip in my screen. The story that includes my fears for my asthmatic daughter, the sadness for my physically and emotionally hungry students and the anger with those who are unwilling to understand that it's a small price to pay; staying inside as much as possible and sharing resources in a culture that is accustomed to overabundance of time, material items and entertainment. These past few days have highlighted for me just how selfish so much of our culture has become. So many, many more than I realized, are unable to look past their noses to see that others might need resources, others might need us to self-regulate and sacrifice, others might need us to just pour the damn juice first.

If pouring the juice first was enough to settle my little one's mind, make her feel safe and secure in my devotion to her and help her to right her little world, then that was what I was willing to do. And I will state this here...I am willing to do the same for you. All of you. Whether or not I know you. Whether or not you are a person who is in my life physically or here on-line. I will pour the juice first. I will keep my brood inside and isolated. I will purchase only what my family absolutely needs to get by for the moment. And if you need any of that, we will figure out how to share it with you and make do without it. Because that is what it means to be a friend, to be loving, to be generous and to be human.

For you, I will pour the juice first.  Will you do the same for others?

Here is the Permission We All Deserve

How's this? You just got strapped into the car of a roller coaster that you've never laid eyes upon until this very moment. The realization that there is no getting out has set in as the train makes its way to a peak you are unable to see. You are surrounded by everyone who is simultaneously experiencing the same inexplicable panic and dread, yet you are drastically, tragically and unequivocally alone.

Or try this one on...You are expected to learn a new language that you will use during the next two weeks, maybe four, maybe more...you don't know. At the same time, you are learning to snowboard, scuba dive and fly a plane; the equipment unfamiliar and weighing you down, the instructions for each activity a jumble in your brain. Add to that the need to grieve the loss of a friendship you've known throughout your existence, the one who made life seem normal and bearable no matter what.

These and other metaphorical scenarios have been entering and exiting my mind at lightening speed. Perhaps metaphors are just my way of dealing with the overwhelming feeling of not being able to control my surroundings, for me and for my children. Perhaps these ideas are the product of sharing this experience with my five, unique children and their varying coping methods. Regardless, within a week's timeframe, all of us, no one is exempt, have been thrust into this new unknown while being asked to find ways to use information and equipment that is unfamiliar and foreign. As parents and educators, certitude is difficult to muster. We struggle with wanting to assure our children even as we are feeling overwhelmed, overdrawn and uncertain.

So what is the solution? Well, I am sure I don't know the answer to that. But I do know the following... and it's more about accepting permission than seeking solution...

We are all best to take a step back and assess for ourselves what we need at this moment right now. I wish that we could all take a moment to grieve the loss of our norm before we try to gather information in order to jump into switching gears. By this I mean, we need to stop...feel...experience that which is being asked of us. Even those self-proclaimed introverts are feeling the isolationist tempo and perhaps needing to gasp for a little air. It's hard for all of us. It's OK!

In all of this, please keep in mind that we are not supposed to be readily amenable when someone or something suddenly changes the rules of the game. Anger, frustration, fear, sadness, you name it...these are all acceptable responses to our current situation. Each time the rules change, which seems to be every time we turn around, we need to take a moment to process, ascertain the best path, and figure out how those new rules are best applied to our personal story. Only then can we take the time needed in order to heed the new way we are called to serve others and allow our humanity to shine through.

Here's what I do know...we can do this...we will do this...and we will be able to endure this...if only we take the time to look at it, absorb it and accept it each step of the way. Slow down..stay safe...be gentle on your soul.

Embracing Our Temporary Normal

I wasn't going to write today. Another post about this unfathomable reality we have been thrust into seems redundant. But as hard as it is for me to wrap my head around so much of what the past few days have offered, I've had people asking me to share my thoughts, and so here I am. Seems some find my ideas, perspectives and optimism comforting. Someone actually said to me, "I was trying to channel my inner Donna Macc". Haha! Love it! But with that in mind, I think I should start with a few confessions:

1. I left my classroom in tears yesterday, turning out the light on my weekly vocabulary, student folders and 'notes for tomorrow', knowing my tomorrows are going to be drastically different for at least four weeks.

2. I am completely frustrated by the fact that the very kids who need me to reassure them, will not be in my space for way too long.

3. I hate that we have to stay away from school.

4. I am sad.

With all that being stated, I will also say that I completely understand why things have to be the way they are. I keep bringing myself back to the reality which tells me that separating us from those situations that will allow this pest to fester is imperative and unavoidable. I get it. I agree with it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

So I'm sitting here trying to understand all the feelings inside of me this morning. I gave myself last night off from thinking about it, knowing that today I would attempt to tackle the emotions that are all confused in my heart in order to move forward in this new and temporary normal. The realist that knows what I stated in the paragraph above, is pragmatic and can accept we need to do what we need to do. But the part of me that is absurdly enamored with my students and my work is finding that embracing all this time away from them, even though it means more time with my own beautiful children, is extremely troubled. As I look outside on this beautiful morning, I think of all the time I will miss, time that I feel I am entitled to spend with the students on my roster this year. Entitled...yes, that's the right word. They are mine and I am theirs and this is not how we are meant to share our journey. Or is it???

OK, so maybe I am getting to something here. What is the lesson in all of this for all of us? Because as someone who is not prone to believing in coincidences, I must find a way to understand that this is the very journey these students and I were intended to share. Hmmm...so what of it, then? Perhaps the ability I have, is that of teaching them that even something like this can't get in the way of my dedication to them. Over the past two weeks, there were four Professional Development opportunities I was supposed to deliver that were canceled. Anyone who knows me and the ridiculous planner that I am, knows I have all the materials for each of them stocked up in my PD bags. Perhaps I can use these to keep my students feeling my love for them even in our necessary absence from each other. "Letters for a Year of Gratitude" and "You're Awesome" pop-open cards are where I will start. Love notes to my students will be in the mail before the day's end. Thank you! I feel a bit better already!

Look, I'm not going to lie. I look out the window at this beautiful day and I start to tear up because I think of how much my students love to go outside to throw the football, something I know they don't do on their own time. I look at the textbooks and novels we share and the heaviness in my heart overwhelms me as I consider that, without the gift of our physical presence to each other, my students will struggle to find meaning in the virtual lessons planned for them. I look at my own children who will get to (be forced to) go hiking, to the beach, to the park, anything outside, while my students might not get to do much more than stare blankly at a screen. My heart hurts. But it is my journey with them. And after this reflection, I know that I intend to infiltrate their isolation and let them know that Ms. Macc. is still here for them, still learning with them, and still looking forward to what our journey has to offer.

Share Laughter, Not Worry: read at your own risk

Written several weeks ago, but withheld from publishing until I could reread it to make sure I really wanted to put it out there. Perhaps it just needed to be saved for a time when the world is worried and preoccupied...to give us a chance to laugh a little.

I wasn't going to write this post. It's really not at all what this blog is about. It really is imprudent since the next few minutes you spend reading might end up feeling like squandered time. But I really can't help myself. There is nothing to be learned here, no new insights, no reflection on children or education or best practice. Nothing of value whatsoever. In fact, this is the first time I am posting with the simple thought in mind that sometimes we just need to have some fun. But don't worry, I am not going over the deep end of absurdity and I am not breaking out of my regular personality. Quite the opposite, really. This post is so me that I really couldn't help but be here in front of you. But if you don't feel as though you have five minutes to spend on frivolous optimism, you might want to move along. Go ahead, I'm not insulted. I'll see you next week when we do more educational type stuff together.

If you've decided to stay, but are not in the mood for a little mindless humor...you know, real-time gotta-just-laugh-at-what-life-brings-sometimes kind of humor, you can go ahead and join those that left in the previous paragraph. I get it. I'm not always in the mood to laugh at life and beg for more of what it has to serve. 

And if you're still here, this is your final warning: This post contains a huge spider cricket, some indoor dog poop and ridiculous optimism that just comes naturally but is so incredibly annoying to many, that they might want to shove me when next we meet...I'll be waiting to see if my hallway neighbor read this one. :) And so, for those of you still here and in need of a break from news of the corona virus and all its fanfare:

A Short Reflection on Spider Crickets and Puppy Poop...

Late last night as I was brushing my teeth, there was a huge cricket in the bathroom. I am not one to flinch at bugs, unless they are on the ceiling above my head...that gets to me. (I just checked. Did you?) But I'm talking about a Spider Cricket, also known as Camelback Crickets. These are not "get a tissue" crickets. They are more like, "get the hammer" crickets. So there I was, brushing away, keeping one eye on that monster cricket, when Mocha, our dog, came in and started to play with the cricket. Let me repeat, those things are ginormous and jump farther than one would expect! Look up a video if you're not familiar. And so while I brushed, Mocha, in her puppy playfulness, played with the cricket. As I rinsed, she picked it up and tossed it to the point that it was laying on it's side. It clearly appeared dead and so I picked it up and put in in the toilet, closing the lid and flushing as I left the bathroom before proceeding to get into bed.

This is where I would normally stop my oration to invite my students to make predictions...go ahead...see if you know where this is going. I'll wait...……………...

So....when I awoke this morning I went into the bathroom to do what people do in the bathroom.  As soon as I walked in, I knew something was wrong...the smell was familiar in this house of "puppy".  Mocha has gotten better, but she must have had a hard time making it through the night because she left a pile of poop in the middle of the bathroom floor. And so, instead of blindly doing what people do in the bathroom in the morning, I instead, blindly lifted the lid to dump in what puppies do in the bathroom in the middle of the night. No sooner did I make the deposit that the cricket, remember the cricket?...let itself be known by jumping up at me.

Now, I know you are likely wondering what the hell I am going on about and why. Well, here it is.  My first thought was, "Thank God Mocha pooped in the bathroom!"  Wait. What? Yes!!! If Mocha hadn't done what she had done in the bathroom in the night, I would have gone to do what people do in the bathroom in the morning, and might have had a different feeling (quite literally) about spider crickets!  But you see, it doesn't end at gratitude for Mocha's indiscretion. I am even grateful for the cricket. Why? Because due to the cricket suprising me and making me jump and then laugh this morning, I was not as annoyed with the dog as I would have otherwise been. In fact, I was grateful to her. 

In the end, I took this as a sign to go ahead and take some chances. As a result, I had a wonderful meeting with a friend in the aisle at Wegmans, I had the blessed opportunity to help an elderly man find his car in the parking lot, and I had a wonderful spontaneous outing to Barnes and Noble with one of my favorite people...all because of this morning's happenings giving me the go-ahead to take control of the day...I mean really, how much worse could it have gotten?

There is always something for which to be grateful! Sometimes you just have to think through things differently to find it, but it is there, of that I am certain! Thanks for reading! Find the positive in everything you do today and all week...it is there. In the stress, in the fatigue, in the you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me moments, it is there! Even in the news...think about it...look how much we are all connected to each other all over the world!! That's an amazing gift! Give optimism a try...it's just a perspective change away.