The reflection that follows was written over the course of the past three days. However, after spending a day on the computer, I need to point out that I have had new revelations, so much so that the reflection below might prove irrelevant. But I wanted to post it in case anyone else is going through the same journey. More on that after you read what I had to say prior to today regarding this altered world of communication.
Time at home away from life's many distractions provides various alternatives to so many aspects we once took for granted. While I still enjoy the luxury of my children's company, and so distraction still prevails the majority of the time, this new lifestyle has afforded me more time with my thoughts than I previously had, and consequently, more time contemplating my "me". This is a blessing. I like to contemplate my "me". This ever changing person who grows and learns with each path on her journey and with each new person put into her life, is fascinating to study. And these current times do not disappoint in providing new material to mull and dissect in terms of who I really am at my core.
How much time do we really spend considering who we are, what is important to us or where we stand on various topics? For me, the answer is simply, not much. I tend to just go along in my day-to-day, living my "me" and watching my proximity to others take hold. I like to watch the changes elicited in both parties when I am blessed to spend personal time with someone. My "me" comes out and rubs all over the situation, causing laughter, calmness, peace and general feelings of acceptance. Just by being "me" in the presence of others, I can affect the situation, feelings and futures of those around me. And the reverse is true as well. I never leave a situation in which I was granted intimate time with someone as the same person I was before the meeting. This is the gift of being in relationship, being aware and being present.
Enter distancing...and the subsequent use of technology for communication.
And I must ask...what about now? What about these days when the only interaction is through a phone or a computer screen. The venue itself puts me on edge. I rarely, if ever, watch T.V. aside from the occasional family movie night. My ability to function in front of a screen is stressed at best, and my authentic self is compromised beyond recognition. Because my comfort zone is so challenged by these methods of communication, I wonder if people are really feeling my "me" as I try to utilize these means to communicate. How, then, am I really going to be able to have an effect on others and relax enough that they might have an effect on me in these days of distancing? I am not so sure. You see, I never really had to explain myself. But now I feel I do. Up until now, I just would put notes on desks, gifts in doorways, hand out hugs like jelly beans: truly, until someone asked me to describe why I do certain things or what I believed about other things, I never had to give it much thought. I just did "me". And it worked. Because I could be in the presence of others and exude my "me" on anyone who wanted to be around me. Now...somehow...I need to exude through a screen. And it doesn't seem possible.
When the kids were little, I would go to church with them...all five, sometimes six if we had a foster child. I would always arrive early and choose a spot that was...ha!...distanced from anyone who was already there. In my mind, this allowed for anyone who did not wish to feel our family vibe to sit elsewhere. But what it really helped was my mind to know that anyone who sat near us, after clearly seeing what they were getting into, was doing so because they wanted to feel our vibe...our "us". Much like my "me", I never wanted to impose on anyone. I just wanted to be able to be "us" and let those wishing to enjoy us and share themselves with us, to come near us. And there, I believe, is the difference. Now, when I get on that computer screen, I can't help but feel I am imposing. There is no escape except to make it through the time allotted. What if what I have to say is not enough to convey my love, my desire to serve, my capacity for taking in the other's pain and concern...what if my "me" can't show up? Then what?
