Just Pour the Juice First...

When they were little I always would mix juice with water in the little sippy cups my children used. My daughter went through a phase that felt like forever, but like so many of their little idiosyncrasies and short term habits, somehow faded away into our memories without my knowing it was even over. During this juncture in her little life, she would watch me prepare her drink and insist that I pour the juice into the cup before the water. Try as I might to convince her that the end product would taste the same regardless of the order in which the liquids entered, she was adamant that I should follow her directive.  If I didn't because it seemed easier to grab the water first, and you know this only happened once since I am a quick learner, there was hell to pay in the form of tears and tantrum beyond any reasonable response to such perceived malice. Why???  I will never know. But what I do know now as clearly as I knew it then, is that in her mind, in her heart, and in her reality, this order of operations was imperative for her world to feel organized and manageable at that particular moment in time, and she was willing to do everything in her power to make sure it was executed properly.

Did it make a difference in the end? That depends on how the 'end' is defined. Is the end defined as the final drink's solution that was ultimately in her cup? If so, then no, it didn't matter. You and I both know, and even she would now agree, that the order would not have changed the cup's solution. If given a taste test, whether the water or juice was the first substance to enter the cup, she would not have been able to delineate the difference. But if the 'end' is to be defined as the outcome of her perceptions with regard to her mom's acceptance of her as an important human being, then yes it matters immensely that her desires and needs were honored. This little person's sense of safety and control were wrapped up in this moment and the outcome was her feeling as though she had a voice. How I treated her in this moment let her know that she mattered and that she was more important to me than the ease with which I was able to prepare her drink. Her self-worth and significance were determined by my actions and ability to allow her to have control over me at that moment.

I have had an incredible amount of verbal and written interaction with folks over the past week. People have been reaching out looking for connection, encouragement and validation of feelings that to them seem unfounded at times and understated at others. We have found ourselves in the midst of a new experience, and we don't only not know how to make it right, we don't know how we should feel about it, whom we should believe, and how we can manage the unknown. The certitude is that we have feelings...whatever they are, and those feelings change by the moment, by the input of information and by the severity with which we are faced with the reality at hand. Having a common experience will do that to people. We are, after all, social beings; swept up in the crowd and often looking to others in order to feel we are doing it right, whatever 'it' is.

People want to know how my children are managing, how I am handling the switch to digital teaching, and how I am helping my children to deal with the anxiety of the moment. Much of the time I am able to muster a response that does not betray my fear and personal struggle. I figure this is what people are seeking. They want to know that it is possible to stay positive. When they witness my optimism, it gives them hope that it is possible that they too can remain optimistic. And truly, I believe it is. But someone recently asked me to share the rest of my story. The story that I share only with those I know will understand that what I am saying is just a little blip in my screen. The story that includes my fears for my asthmatic daughter, the sadness for my physically and emotionally hungry students and the anger with those who are unwilling to understand that it's a small price to pay; staying inside as much as possible and sharing resources in a culture that is accustomed to overabundance of time, material items and entertainment. These past few days have highlighted for me just how selfish so much of our culture has become. So many, many more than I realized, are unable to look past their noses to see that others might need resources, others might need us to self-regulate and sacrifice, others might need us to just pour the damn juice first.

If pouring the juice first was enough to settle my little one's mind, make her feel safe and secure in my devotion to her and help her to right her little world, then that was what I was willing to do. And I will state this here...I am willing to do the same for you. All of you. Whether or not I know you. Whether or not you are a person who is in my life physically or here on-line. I will pour the juice first. I will keep my brood inside and isolated. I will purchase only what my family absolutely needs to get by for the moment. And if you need any of that, we will figure out how to share it with you and make do without it. Because that is what it means to be a friend, to be loving, to be generous and to be human.

For you, I will pour the juice first.  Will you do the same for others?