It's Always the Right Time for an Educational Inventory

Sour milk, moldy cheese, stale crackers, rotten apples...when products go bad, there's no denying the time has come to dispose of them. Sometimes though, before obvious signs appear, food has spoiled. There's little worse than unwittingly taking a swig of sour milk. Expiration dates help, and so as the printed date on the milk carton approaches we might give a little sniff before pouring in order to test the waters. We heed dates, dump the old and replace with new.  How wonderful it would be if certain aspects of teaching had an expiration date, a way to easily know it was time to dispose of them. You know, those outdated teaching practices that have been revisited year after year; those things we do because everyone else does and we always have.    

This is the question up for discussion: Is the expiration date on certain school-items and systems approaching?  This post is in no way presented as a challenge to our jobs as teachers of curriculum.  I am not suggesting that the academics we currently teach are in danger of becoming obsolete. However, as much as I am afraid to suggest replacing teaching practices and curriculum, I am equally concerned for my safety if I were to suggest that we need to add to our menu of what we already offer in school. You see, we have been doing so many things for so long, that the thought of eliminating them makes us feel vulnerable, but the thought of adding to them makes us feel overwhelmed. It is in the vein of simply bringing an idea to the forefront of our attention that I meekly present the suggestion that times are changing, and like it or not, some of the items we are teaching might be approaching their expiration date, while other items are quickly becoming the seeds of a new school direction.  

As is my way, I will first put my own practices out here as fodder.  I confess that I might be the last holdout to own and methodically utilize a bound thesaurus.  I am a woman of tradition and therefore I refuse to give up my volume of printed vocabulary in exchange for the online sites that are willing to give me synonyms at the touch of a button.  In fact, my thesaurus is cracked and worn to the point of needing replacement, but I am afraid to do the research to see if there are any new such books available. My fear is that the general public's need for such voluminous books has expired and I will no longer be able to feed my vocabulary appetite with the printed page.  And so, I hold fast to my traditional methods, neglecting the newer, faster and likely more thorough ways to locate just the right word for the job.  

In much the same way, I've heard it argued that it is no longer imperative to teach and expect students to remember factual information that can just as easily be researched on computers and phones.  We have become a society that relies on technology to answer every bit of minutia that we used to spend days pondering...you know, talking to each other, trying to noodle it out, making our brains work.  We now hardly wait thirty seconds before picking up our devices to find the actor who was in a movie, the age of a famous hero or the operating hours of our favorite restaurant. We immediately go to our phones to answer questions that used to spark memory retrieval, heated discussion and provide practice in the art of argument. It is easy, quick, and immediately satisfying to simply look information up.  But at what price are we becoming this culture of immediacy? In the end, by not utilizing our brains in the practice of memorization and memory-file retrieval, are we losing much more than information retention?  Are we neglecting to learn how to disagree, listen to other's arguments and manipulate information to formulate a conclusion?

I wonder whether or not our curriculum will need to change and grow with the times. There are only so many hours in the school-day. Think about it, schools came about because children were not able to be academically educated at home by parents who instead spent time teaching their children to care for the home, be responsible for younger siblings, run the family business, etc...But today, while children might be able to find any answer at the click of a button, they are challenged to communicate effectively with the counter clerk at the store. With immediacy of information, our children are losing that very ability to function with patience, delayed gratification and social interaction.  Might this necessitate that the explicit teaching of these skills be added to our daily school routine and curriculum?  What else can you think of that we are losing as we gain?  Reading a map...a real printed map, counting in time..."one elephant, two elephants, three elephants", setting up solitaire or a board game before being allowed to enjoy the game...cleaning up the pieces after play, you get the idea.  There are skills in those actions, skills that are not replaceable by using a device to inform or "play".  Skills that, if not learned, will make for adults who cannot effectively communicate, wait their turn or spend time on the mundane in order to appreciate the fun.  

In essence, parents and teachers might need to step up to fill in the missing information gained by this new way of life. It is always the right time to re-evaluate. We must not be afraid to take inventory on the nearly expired items we revisit year after year, just because we always have. We also must accept the challenge of embracing new items that need to be taught to our children.  It can be frightening and overwhelming for sure.  But more alarming is the image of our future as a society that lacks social skill-sets, human interaction and general etiquette.  Taking inventory can help us all provide the best of what our children need as they navigate life at the click of a button.

You Have Been Chosen!

We live in a culture of over-choice. When choice is reserved for large-ticket purchases such as buying a car or house, it somewhat makes sense since we are making an enormous purchase of an item we hope to have for a very long time.  Deciding which make and model are the best choice for us is in our power.  The final product needs to be the right size and have the amenities that suit our circumstances.  But in just about every aspect of modern life, the trouble with over-choice has sprung up in ridiculous fashion. 

Exhibit A: Have you tried to paint your walls lately? even just white?  There are several shades, each one boasting different tones... It's white! My mother's builder proudly told me he chose "greige" for her walls, a mixture of grey and beige.  I couldn't hold in my laugh.  It was white....

Exhibit B: How about the ever classic M&M?  It now stands in a family of candies stuffed and mixed with various insides. The classic is but one choice in a myriad of M&M's; the original awesome candy coated goodness apparently no longer enough.   

You get the gist...we are a people who like to be able to call the shots, decide what works best for us and have what we feel we deserve.  Perhaps this is why we have also become a people who are increasingly unable to accept that which is graciously handed to us.  Some might say that choice is a wonderful thing to have.  I am not so sure I agree because with all that opportunity to choose, we might be losing the ability to adapt to that which is put on the proverbial plate.  

Once at the Pediatric Cardiologist office at Rutgers-New Brunswick, I sat with my foster baby waiting our turn.  Across from us, a teenage boy sat with his mom; he with his hood up listening to his music through headphones and her scrolling through her phone.  They were called before us and proceeded into the office only to come out about ten minutes later.  The boy, still blocking out the world from inside his teenage cocoon, walked with his head down ahead of his mom who was sobbing and being held and comforted by a nurse assistant.  My heart sank as I started to cry, and I held my foster baby closer, feeling the pain and hopelessness of that mother and wishing I could do more for these parents living this life of imperfection.  Caring for my ailing foster son was an option, a choice I had made, while that mom had no choice but to struggle through the path of illness her son was living.

The Message We Must Remind Ourselves and (as educators) Convey to All Parents: 

As parents and families, we do not get to choose the make and model of our offspring.  We do not get to make choices as to the many twists, turns and even straight roads their life-path will take. We are not asked to decide what will fill their hearts and feed their passions.  We are not able to easily ease their worries, take their ailments or quell their fears.  These are not choices we get to make, though as parents we might wish they were.  The illusion of choice is shattered when our children are faced with anxiety, stress or heartbreak and we are helpless.  The list of options does not include an easy fix or the ability to remove the struggle altogether. Real life choices do not have seventy different shades of white...they are often Choice A or Choice B, black or white, neither of which is completely favorable. 

I believe there are no mistakes as to the children born into our families and if we can remain open to the possibilities of life, as we become more vulnerable, we are able to grow into the parents and families we were intended to be.  In the end, gratitude for that which we have been given  and a vision for the future, can offer us the strength we need to persevere. As parents, it is true that we did not get to choose our offspring, and that is wonderful!!!  In fact, as one who is not crazy about making choices, I am quite grateful! My children are perfectly mine, challenging me, supporting me and making me grow every day. We are called to raise to fullness the children given to us. We are called to guide them, comfort them, and help them to unleash their amazingness on the world!  And as we move through life with them, if we are open and vulnerable to all life throws our way, we too will be raised to fullness.

It is true that if given the choice, we might choose to not have our children suffer, struggle or have mental illness.  We might choose that they be gifted with different strengths, interests and passions.  We might think we could have done better with different circumstances.  Not true!  This is the partnership that was intended and as with any relationship, neither side is incidental or accidental.  Those kids who threw cheerios on the floor, temper tantrums in their bedroom and college rejection letters on your dining room table, are the very people who needed YOU at that moment.  So rest easy. You've got this! Your children are bringing to you their challenges so that their growth can be yours as well.

We Are Very Important to Our Students!

We are very important to our students!

We are very important to our students!

We are very important to our students!

A good friend just reminded me that repeating positive affirmations helps us to embrace,  recall, and remember to live the sentiments expressed.   We are very important to our students.  It's no secret that the year is winding down...everyone can feel the tension in the air...and yes, it is tension.  At times, the tension can be seen as excitement, and at other times relief.  Perhaps it is a stress or anxiety showing up at inopportune times and misconstrued as attitude.  But in the end, it is tension, and we need to keep reminding ourselves to make no mistake. What we all, students and teachers, are feeling as the conclusion of another school year closes in is that, "We mean a lot to our students."

As teachers we have the foresight to know that the summer will come and go quickly enough.  September will arrive in just a short time, ushering in another school year.  As long as we are willing to embrace growth, life in its cyclical nature does not afford us the luxury of settling too long into any one feeling or situation.  We all continue to grow, age and develop. We know that nothing lasts forever, and tough times will pass. Even so, when the horizon is not showing a comforting future, knowing that both good and bad times come and go does little to ease the tension in our hearts and minds. This might be the state in which many of our students find themselves during these final days of the school year.

With summer approaching it is good that all of us in teaching should look toward the coming break since this is a wonderful gift of our profession, but I implore you to please allow your perspective to be painted with the paint brushes of your students.  Talk to them about summer as it approaches.  You might get a new way of looking at the months ahead. The routine of school, while sometimes tedious, allows our students to feel a sense of control.  They know exactly where they will be during those 7 hours.  They know they will see adults who care.  They know they will eat.  As summer approaches, the certainty of a daily lunch and teachers who will provide sustenance is erased by empty cupboards for some.  And if you do not work with students in need or those who experience food insecurity, you are not immune to the tensions of the approaching summer months.  Empty kitchen shelves are not the only absence our students will face this summer. The daily schedule of the school day allows students to experience a purpose that is not fulfilled by empty summer days. With parents working and few responsibilities, students will find their sense of purpose diminishes as the summer months progress.

Our perspective of what others face is undoubtedly shaped by our own experiences.  If we are accustomed to sending our children to various camps and summer programs, we envision the same for our students.  If we take family vacations, enjoy family outings and look forward to family reunions, we can often think the same holds true for others. It's not a judgment, it is just human nature to imagine that what we have is the norm for everyone, even when this is not necessarily true.  And while I don't send my kids to any camps and I know that they are going to spend their days lamenting the boredom, I also know that they are going to experience the summer with each other and a mother who will be enjoying the moments we have together. Our "boredom" will breed ideas, creativity and spontaneous outings.   We will be planning to possibly open our home to another foster child, readying Max for college and entertaining our neighbors at our annual "Neighborhood Get-Together". I will plan experiences, even if they are in our own yard.  I will provide meals for them.  I will continue to teach them...they just can't escape learning with me as their mother.  In other words, their summer will be a lesson in taking boredom and using it to be creative and grow. But I know from talking with my students, this is not their reality. Their idea of summer is boredom, sleeping for lack of anything else to do, watching TV or YouTube and playing mindless games on their phones.  They will lack purpose in the summer, and that feeling is a lousy one to foresee as one gazes upon the looming horizon.

So it's become obvious to me that some folks are just going to count down the remaining school days regardless of how many times they are reminded it is not best practice in education.  Perhaps their minds just can't see the end of the school year any other way. I marvel at the fact that we are the only profession that looks forward to ending our services.  Imagine if the movie theater, sports venue or Great Adventure advertised how lucky everyone is because they are closing for two months.  How would that be for business?  Not good at all!  So if you must count down, please count down in such a way that reflects the reality of your students.  Count down to their boredom.  Count down to their lack of purpose and limited food.  Count down to their parents needing to work all day instead of being allowed the luxury of lazy summer days with their children.  And while you do that, please know that your students, other educators who see how important we all are to our students, and I will be counting down to the first day of School Year 2019-2020.  Can't wait, because, "We are very important to our students!"

A Spider Teaches about Reaction vs. Response

You are sitting in a quiet elegant restaurant eating dinner with a friend when, out of the corner of your eye, you become aware of a large spider dangling from the light fixture just before it lands on your arm and begins to crawl up your sleeve toward your face. What happens next?  

I'll leave you with that thought for a moment but don't worry, we will return to the unfolding of the scenario. The spider is a great teacher.  You need only be patient and commit to the next few paragraphs.

Productive conversation was generated by the Customer Service in Education post on May 14th.   I truly enjoy when a thought, a moment or an alternate way of looking at something gets folks talking to each other.  This is good!  This is higher order thinking put into practice by the very adults who wish to cultivate the same for their students.  When a topic that has not been on our radar or was perhaps too uncomfortable to approach, comes into our educational vision, it is then that we are called to help one another process and grow. You see, it is effortless and contrary to growth and improvement to stand in an echo chamber and declare all the things that are easy to hear and pleasant to digest. It is only when we are willing to look at the words on the page or listen to our colleagues and conscience, then study our own practice to notice what it is that we need to improve, that we are able to truly mature as educators and become the best version of ourselves.  The biggest obstacle to awesome is contentment in the belief that we are great. And so, let's explore.

Reacting vs. Responding:  Most of what folks expressed as they reflected on how well they executed customer service in education came down to whether they reacted or responded to those with whom they came in contact.  There were conversations regarding personal children and families, as well as students and colleagues. Without realizing it, almost all conversations reflected a desire to respond, rather than react, to that which is put in front of us. In order to grow from the feelings generated, we need to consider the difference between reacting and responding. And for this purpose we return to the spider...

You are sitting in a quiet elegant restaurant eating dinner with a friend when, out of the corner of your eye, you become aware of a large spider dangling from the light fixture just before it lands on your arm and begins to crawl up your sleeve toward your face. What happens next? Most likely what you do is the result of surprise and fear. You jump up banging into the table, perhaps pushing the chair back behind you. You drop anything that was in your hand, wipe ferociously at your sleeve and, embarrassingly in the quiet ambiance of the restaurant, you scream as you completely lose awareness of the spider's whereabouts. When you can't find the spider, you sit through the remainder of your meal feeling as though it is about to ambush you again.  You have reacted to the presence of the spider and the outcome is a loss of control.

Now let's consider how differently this scene would play out with a response instead of a reaction.  You see the spider descending and landing on your arm.  You don't like spiders but knowing that you have never been killed by a spider, you rationalize that the current danger is minimal.  You gently take your napkin to trap the spider (or kill it, but I can't condone such actions here since my children will be reading and some of them are all about saving the spiders).  Next you excuse yourself to dispose of the spider. You have been in complete control of the situation for the duration, you know exactly where the spider is and you can sit down and enjoy the rest of your evening.

And so it is with child behavior, whether at home or at school.  When we react to situations put before us, we have neglected to put thought into our actions.  Our demeanor reflects a person who is completely in the moment, not exercising any reserve in choosing words carefully or any regard for the recipient of our actions. Reaction in education is counterproductive. We put such careful planning into our curriculum. We are intentional about what we hope to accomplish in any given lesson. As teachers we need to put the same amount of planning into our interactions with students, being intentional with our words and actions during the mundane as well as the high energy moments.

It is true that we cannot control all the other humans on our journey, but we can rehearse and practice how we will respond to the situations that confront us in our profession. As teachers and parents, we can practice and draw on past experience in order to respond to what our children bring our way.  When our students or our own children present us with unanticipated or inconvenient comments or behaviors, we are often thrown into reaction mode.  It was not what we expected, and so we don't have the script for what is in front of us. This is when Customer Service, service with a smile, is hardest to muster.  But if we were to practice those situations that come up repeatedly, you know the ones that really irk us and get under our skin, then reflect and rehearse how we could best handle these situations, we would be able to consistently respond lovingly and with impeccable Customer Service.

That spider...it never intended to ruin a lovely dinner.  The same is true for the children with whom we are blessed to share life's journey.  We must treat them tenderly at all times, affirming their incredible potential by intentionally planning and practicing how to respond instead of react to any surprises they dangle in front of us.

Customer Service in Education

Working in the pizza shop at Wegmans was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. My co-workers were unlike any team of which I have ever been blessed to be a part.  At Wegmans I was "Miss Donna", I was the mom of the shop, I was the late night driver of my teenage co-workers, into neighborhoods I never would have otherwise entered, so that they could avoid the bus.  I found a part of me that had never before emerged, and has not emerged since.  My time there was a unique experience that helped me to grow stronger and smarter in ways teaching could never do.

The lessons I learned while working the nighttime/closing shift after full days of teaching, were many.  The physical work of wiping down the counters and washing all of the pans, dishes and prep bowls before closing down the department, no matter how drained I felt, taught me to persevere and push through my fatigue.  Helping to develop department contests where each team member would create a unique pizza, taught me that I can be creative and help my co-workers have fun in an atmosphere that might otherwise be deemed tedious and mundane. (We would then watch to see whose creation sold out first, without divulging to customers the secret that we were in cutthroat competition.) And living the unwritten but universally understood customer service code of conduct, “The customer is always right.”, helped me to exercise that part of me that demands I always treat others with care, respect and kindness, even when I was convinced they did not deserve such courtesy.

It is on this last lesson that I wish to focus for the purposes of this entry.  Customer service is one of the most integral aspects of a successful company.   Whether or not a company is successful in selling or providing services depends upon retaining customers who are satisfied and likely to return.  Customer service however, is not only imperative in the business world.  With a closer look, we notice that effective customer service is a universal lesson, one that is rooted in being an other-centered society.  And it is this lesson of always treating the person in front of me with respect, that when violated in the teaching field, is more egregious than any other offense.

A Customer Service Lesson

As in most stores and restaurants, Wegmans had its regulars.  One in particular was a woman who came in with her granddaughter.  As the child sat in the shopping cart, the woman would ask for a slice of pizza then proceed to eat the slice in front of the counter without paying for it.  The first time it happened I let my manager know.  He assured me that they were aware of her actions and I was not expected to address it with her.  After a couple more Fridays passed, and she did the same thing each week, it became increasingly difficult for me to serve her with a smile.  She had the means to pay for a slice of pizza and I could see no reason why she should get away with such a transgression.  I went to my manager again and he told me that company policy is to not address payment for her pizza, since after eating the slice she was bound to spend hundreds of dollars in the store.  Basically I was being told that my kindness toward her, as difficult as it was for me to give, was good for business.  To be honest, even as I type this my blood boils a bit.  For a plethora of reasons I never fully agreed with the concept laid out before me as this woman enjoyed her free slice.  But it was not my job to agree or disagree.  I was getting paid by the company to serve customers with a smile.  I had to willingly and generously share my smile, the one I usually reserved for those I found deserving, with everyone who came to my counter. 

How Did I Do Today?

Teaching is as much a profession of service as any job in retail or restaurant.  If we as teachers were judged and retained for employment based on Customer Service, how would we fare?  I am ridiculously reflective…to a fault.  I won’t lie.  I spend more time reflecting and ruminating on my day than is the norm. In that time, I go over conversations that occurred throughout my day; times when I was called to be mindful or present to a person or situation and aspects of my daily demeanor that I hope to improve.  I often ask myself a version of the question stated above.  In one form or another I ask myself, “If I were to be judged, hired or evaluated based on the way I spoke to my customers (students) today, how would I fare?”  I challenge you right now to ask and answer the same question.  Was there a student misbehaving today with whom you should have been more patient while interacting?  Was there a colleague who needed your ear but you were not willing to go in that direction?  Was there a parent who needed a positive note from you instead of the judgement you passed on them because their child arrived late to school…again?  These situations are real.  The manner in which we handle them is the customer service aspect of education.  I believe if I had gone and spoken to that woman regardless of what I was instructed to do, I would have no longer been employed by Wegmans.  Why are we not held to the same standards of customer service, if not stricter ones, in our schools?  Ultimately the stakes are much higher.

As teachers, we are not called to only be kind and loving to those we believe deserve our respect at any given moment.  We are called to be kind and caring at all times to all students.  We are called to be the one that students can depend on to be standing in their corner, even when they have transgressed for the twentieth time.  We are called to be the one that smiles at the prickly student whose self-control needs more practice.  We are called to be the one who, with our actions and consistent kindness, conveys the message, “I respect you!  I care about you! How can I help you today?”. Every...Single...Time.  Our job might not depend on it, but so much more does.  

In Parent Jeopardy, Who Would Win?

“Forget ‘rocket science’ or ‘brain surgery’: When we want to make the point that something isn’t really all that difficult, we ought to say, ‘Hey, it’s not parenting!’” 

- Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting

As we wind down teacher appreciation week, it is fitting that we should take a moment to honor and appreciate the first teachers of the children we serve, their parents and guardians.  It would be foolhardy to believe that the topic of parenting could be adequately covered in a blog post.  And so, while this will certainly not pretend to be an exhaustive ode to parents, I hope to relay a message of appreciation, admiration and camaraderie.  We are in this together and none of us have all the answers.  What we do have is the ability to model for our children those traits we hope to see mirrored back to us as our children grow to their potential.

The recent excessive victories of James Holzhauer on Jeopardy have brought much attention to the world of knowledge.  Heck, I don't even watch T.V. and still I have heard from more than one source of his incredible inclination to know answers to a plethora of questions.  But I wonder....what would happen if we threw in a category or two about parenting.  How would Mr. Holzhauer fare against a veteran parent if the categories were: "Overheard in the Car on a Long Trip", "Sounds from Beyond the Bathroom Door", "Sleep Deprivation and Full-Time Employment", "Interpersonal Negotiations of Siblings" and "How to Calm Your Teenage Daughter"?

You see, the difference between Mr. Holzhauer's knowledge and parental knowledge is that he can look up his answers, study them, and know they will be spot-on correct every time; the same is not so with parenting.  You can have one child or seven, and the knowledge you employed so well yesterday might be a flat out disaster today.  Parenting is a test of all skills on an exam for which there is no study guide because each new situation is unchartered, unpredictable and undocumented in any literature. There are no definite right answers and the test results, if they come in at all, are generally deemed useless for any future use.  But what we do have at our disposal is the knowledge that all that we model for our children is learned with exponential capacity.

A friend of mine once asked, "Would you rather have the bully or the victim?"  That makes me think: 

Would you rather have the:

athlete or the musician...the crier or the stoic...the teaser or the teased...the giver or the taker

the list can go on and on, but it really doesn't matter because here's the thing, we don't get to choose.  Our children are the beautiful human beings they were created to be.  They will have propensities toward certain passions and this is what makes each one unique.  Some traits, however, are true of all children.  Children are born with the ability to love unconditionally, the desire to learn all that they can, and the capacity for showing kindness.  They are inclined toward many human traits and with modeling and nurturing, those traits are grown and cultivated.  While I believe that as a parent we should never take the glory or the blame for the successes or failures of our children, we do need to be aware that the traits we most often model for them will be the most prominent traits they display in life's journey.

Case in point:

You are looking here at a poster on display in my dining room. Some might call it silly...we call it décor.  It is a list that the kids developed one night while we were discussing how different they each are and what each of them enjoys or despises in terms of what we like to do as a family. The boxes depict what is a suggested activity when each child is out of the house.  For example, when Max is out, the girls and I can watch "Sob Stories" and when Anna and Rebecca are out, the "family" can go hiking, (though in my opinion, it's not a "family" hike if we are not all present!) Bernie, number 5, who is a lover of all things 'family', has nothing on her "list", unless and until we explore the humor.  Bernadette is the author of "whistling, snapping and celebrating" when Anna is out and Anna's retort of that is found in Bernie's box where you see that we can "live in silence" in her absence.  But perhaps my favorite part of this chart is what happened with Martha's box.  Martha, our organizer, created this masterpiece. She is very particular about the appearance of her work, even silly home décor.  So when Max wrote with the wrong color in Anna's box, Martha got very upset.  Max then added a paper outside the chart where he wrote that when Martha is out, we can "use the wrong color".  Give it a moment...let it sink in....I promise there is a reason I am sharing this story.

In this silly family display I see so many of the traits that have been modeled for my children.  The most obvious are having a sense of humor and not taking ourselves too seriously.  When I began parenting 17 years ago, I would have never put those lessons at the top of the list of things I needed to teach my children. Appreciating the differences inherent in those around us is another aspect that is illustrated in this example.  I don't imagine that my children will waste much time trying to change friends and future spouses to fit their idea of who they believe people should be. They have watched as their mom has accepted and loved what is beautiful to behold in each of them, and they have clearly learned to embrace the fact that each other's differences are awesome.  One other aspect of my children that is noticeable here is the respect for boundaries.  While the lists clearly took a humorous turn, Max remained cognizant of Martha's requirement for neatness and organization, and so he did not mess up her paper to make his joke.  He displayed his humor on a separate piece of paper to respect her needs while keeping the laugh going.

The list of what this paper demonstrates can go on to include so much more: organization of thoughts, openness to sharing and respect for what others enjoy; you get the picture.  NONE of the lessons learned and displayed in this picture are items that I deliberately set out to teach.  Nothing that was done to nurture these traits was found in a book such as the one noted above by Alfie Kohn. There was no direct knowledge involved and no magic list of rules to follow. They are simply traits that my children watched and echoed.  By enjoying a good laugh myself, often at my own expense, for example, I have nurtured this trait in my children.

The overwhelming and frightening part is that children will model and echo all that they witness in the adults who have the most influence on them: positive and negative.  So perhaps we all need to take a step back and inventory just what we are modeling for our children.  For me, I know I must keep my perfectionism under control or it threatens to become a go-to for three of my children.  I also tend toward fiery opinions being formed before all information is available and so I need to remind myself to model temperance and patience.  And I won't even get started on my spontaneous and intense displays of emotion...my kids have had many chuckles as I've cried at student performances and games, and they have shushed me as I've laugh hardily in public.  (Though the jury is still out on whether or not this is a negative thing.  They think it is, I don't.)

In the end, if you are a parent, you know the score...you have the answers, or you don't, and that is part of the excitement in the journey. There are not definite answers for every possible parenting situation and so, here we are, called to support one another.  Know that your parenting efforts are appreciated!  Whether you have the introvert or the extrovert, the actor or the director, the sprinter or the marathoner, you are blessed beyond belief to be a parent!  Your children are beautifully unique and will find their passions.  We just need to keep modeling all those things that we hope to see mirrored back to us as our children mature.  In the end we need to ensure that everything we model for them is laced with kindness, perseverance, respect and a good dose of laughter...after all, we are raising our caregivers. They will grow in those very traits we model most.  And by the way when we are all old, if you share my nursing home room please remove the "Kick Me" sign from my back as I bask in the loving humor of my children.  

Appreciation Requires Perspective

Considering the abundance of Teacher Appreciation reading material available this week, I feared that writing about the topic might be redundant.  Upon further reflection I realized that if I were to write such a post, I would start with a pondering about something I've not seen in any Teacher Appreciation musings yet, something that lends itself perfectly to the topic.  This 'something' is so ubiquitous, that with this post I hope to leave my readers with an easy visual reminder to appreciate teachers.  Have I sufficiently gained your attention?  Here it is…Wait for it...

Windshield Wipers…

                                       …Work with me here…

As my son and I began the return trip from a college music audition it was raining.  In fact, it had been raining all morning on our way to the school as well, and so the windshield wipers had been working non-stop all day. We came upon a line of traffic and it wasn't until this moment that I noticed the rain had stopped but the windshield wipers still moved; left and right, left and right, left and right.  I proceeded to switch them off, wondering for how long they had continued their efforts right in front of me.  I began to consider how often I neglect to notice that which is occurring right before my eyes, simply because it has been happening for so long that I have lost perspective.  I was considering that which I take for granted.  My mind went all over, but then fell to education, and how much I consider displaying my gratitude to my co-workers, but not always as much to the teachers of my personal children.  And I wondered why?

One word that kept creeping into my thoughts was "perspective".  Where my co-workers are concerned in the Middle School in which I teach, I know what they are doing each day and so I realize that I must let them know they are appreciated.  Giving little gifts of hand sanitizer, replenishing the tea bag bin in the teacher's room, supplying nice smelling lotions on my desk for all to use; little ways to show them I get it, I understand, and I am here to appreciate them.  So why don't I consistently do the same for the teachers of my children?  There are about 32 of them all together!  The fact is, and I am not proud to admit it, I take for granted that they are there working with my children.  I don't see their day to day and in order to fully appreciate teachers, that day-to-day is the very perspective I need to gain. Even within the confines of a school district, there are jobs that vary tremendously.  I really don't quite know all that goes into being an intermediate grade or high school teacher.  Compare in your mind the pre-school and high school teacher.  Now imagine having them switch positions for a day...what do you see?  These positions are under the umbrella of teacher, yet they may as well be different professions on different planets.  We think we know the depth of the word "teacher", and we try to say we appreciate the "teacher", yet perhaps it is too difficult to truly appreciate that which we do not experience, either firsthand or through the stories of others.  And so, for deeper appreciation to occur, we as educators need to share our story and we need to challenge ourselves to get to know the other stories unfolding around us. 

I am a Middle School teacher.  However, each summer when I apply to work our extended school year program, I request to work with children in grades K-2.   While I knew there would be many challenges in working with the very different ages, I began doing so as a way to experience something different from my school-year teens.  As time went on, the change became a way for me to become aware of the challenges faced by my colleagues in elementary school.  This was truly a perspective I could gain in few other ways.  This experience nourishes an appreciation for what teachers of younger children do all year.

Perhaps the differences of teaching positions in education are best illustrated with quotes and stories from the field.  Share yours!  If not here or on Twitter or Facebook, then at least with those with whom you spend your days. Here are a couple of mine to illustrate the point.  Last summer, I needed to request of a first grade student, “Please don’t lick the water fountain”, while just a couple weeks ago I heard our Middle School Vice Principal call to a student, “Take that do-rag off.”  These simple words might help someone appreciate the teachers who are working in each of these environments on a daily basis.  Of course, there are some lines such as, “Keep your hands to yourself.”, that might just as easily be demanded of a pre-schooler who is trying to learn to not hit as of high-schoolers testing the boundaries of acceptable public displays of affection in school.  Regardless, it is important to gain perspective and understand what teachers are doing on a daily basis in order to fully appreciate those in the field.  Only when we are willing to share the tapestry of teaching, all those little intricate details that we take for granted without noticing, can we expect others to be aware enough to be able to appreciate us for all we do for children and one another. 

 As teachers we run the risk of being the windshield wipers; so important, absolutely necessary, serving a purpose that can be served no other way, yet forgotten in the "on" position, working tirelessly hour after hour.  Let’s change this!  Let’s share our stories and help others become aware of our day-to-day existence.  Not for a raise and not for the praise, but just for the sake of being appreciated for all we are doing for children and for the world!  There is a little boy out there who just might refrain from licking the bottom of the water fountain as he grows up, and that is pretty important!

You are the Light in The Tunnel of Adolescence

When my youngest was born 7 years and three months after my oldest, I started to immediately do the math.  I wanted to know if I was going to have 5 teenagers in my house all at once.  And while it is true that my oldest will turn 20 three months before my youngest turns 13, it was a near enough miss to prompt this conversation several times over the years:

Random Citizen: Do you think you will ever go back to the classroom full time?
Me: I definitely hope to when my youngest goes to kindergarten. But my oldest will be entering the teen years so I imagine a cute little pre-school class smiling up at me each day. Otherwise I will be surrounded by teens all day.

Ha!  I knew that upon my return to teaching, when my youngest would go to kindergarten, I would be embarking on the teenage years with my children and in no way could I imagine teaching teens all day and then returning home to more teens in the evenings.  Here I am four years into my return to the classroom, loving every minute of Middle School teaching by day, and every struggle of teen-parenting by night.  And I am not surprised...the adolescent has always held a special place in my heart, a place of honor, awe and admiration. 

Maybe it was the passing of my father only three days after my 14th birthday or maybe it is just my nature to love what others find difficult to embrace.  Whatever the reason, I am drawn to the adolescent in a way that can best be described as a calling or vocation.  Even in my years as a stay-at-home-mom, my part-time jobs often involved Youth Groups, developing curriculum aimed at adolescents, and public speaking engagements regarding teen issues.  The age just fascinates me.  It is unique, intriguing and somewhat mystical; like the butterfly chrysalis working its magic to change one wonderful being into something completely different, yet the same.  

I think of it as, The Tunnel of Adolescence...this is what sets adolescence apart from any other stage of life. Unlike toddler-hood, middle-age, the golden-years, or any other stage of life that we can define, adolescence is not a destination. Instead, it can be better seen as a passage between childhood and adulthood; a route which gets you from here to there. If using the imagination, one could certainly see how it is tunnel-like by its nature. The Tunnel of Adolescence has a true entrance and a true exit, but offers various passing options.  One child enters slowly, cautiously, watching the surrounding loved ones with questioning eyes that wonder what it is that she is supposed to do with her changing body and mind.  Another child rushes in, not for the joy of adolescence, but for the prize at the other end of the tunnel; becoming the fully realized individual who can dream to change the  world. The passage in the tunnel is as unique as each child that enters.  It is a time when the child needs his parents the most, right when he is trying to learn to walk independent of their parental controls.  Put simply, it's tricky!

So how do we as parents best assist our children in this passage?  The saying goes, "There is light at the end of the tunnel." and while that is true and certainly a sympathetic reminder when we are in dark times that there is hope, we need to believe that there is also hope and light along the way.  Parents and teachers are the Light in the Tunnel of Adolescence.  Picture you are driving through a tunnel. Whether you are cruising along quickly and the lights are forming one tremendous display of clarity or you are eking along in traffic and each elongated light offers hope of progress from one side of the tunnel to the other, you feel the hope of the lights lining the corner where the walls meet the ceiling.  That is us!  We are the lights in the tunnel helping our adolescents see that there is more to the tunnel than the beginning at the end.  There is a light at the end, for sure.  But there is so much more! With caring adults lighting the way, the adolescent can define himself, strengthen his resolve, explore his longings.  He can safely break away as he is supposed to do, but knowing that when he turns to the side the light will still be with him, guiding but not controlling.  

I am not sure whose job is harder when an adolescent is loved.  The child has a difficult passage, for sure.  There are questions, struggles and challenges beyond anything that was presented up until this point.  But the adults have a challenge to face as well, and the future of the adolescent that they love depends on doing so effectively.  Recently my teenage daughter has been confiding in me aspects of her life that are causing her pain.  I listen to my little girl to whom I have devoted my life and absorb her pain, then I set her free to find her way.  This is a tremendously difficult undertaking.  How much easier it would be to make a phone call, talk to those involved and solve this for her as I did when she was younger.  But that is no longer my role in her life!  I am growing in the tunnel as well, and that is the key.  That is the difference.  Her growth is mine.  The adolescent cannot get through the tunnel unless the adults around are shining light, that is absolutely true.  But those same adults need to stay put in their spot wedged in the corner where the wall meets the ceiling, growing into their new parental role so the child can become the adult she was meant to be.

I'm not sure yet what it will feel like as my children exit the tunnel and start walking their adult life.  My son is just stepping out now.  But I do know that once we are on that route with our children, it can be difficult to catch our breath and take the snapshots that help to define this stage of life.  This might be why as our children approach high school graduation ready to enter adulthood, many parents can be heard saying, "How did that happen?"  "Where did the time go?"  It is not intentional!  You did not really miss anything!  You were just so immersed in the intensity of adolescence, holding tight to your place in the Tunnel, that when you look back you see the little 12 year old, and when you look forward, you see the budding adult.  It's OK!  It happened and it was beautiful and you were there all along being the light your child needed.  Great job!!!