Exhibit A: Have you tried to paint your walls lately? even just white? There are several shades, each one boasting different tones... It's white! My mother's builder proudly told me he chose "greige" for her walls, a mixture of grey and beige. I couldn't hold in my laugh. It was white....
Exhibit B: How about the ever classic M&M? It now stands in a family of candies stuffed and mixed with various insides. The classic is but one choice in a myriad of M&M's; the original awesome candy coated goodness apparently no longer enough.
You get the gist...we are a people who like to be able to call the shots, decide what works best for us and have what we feel we deserve. Perhaps this is why we have also become a people who are increasingly unable to accept that which is graciously handed to us. Some might say that choice is a wonderful thing to have. I am not so sure I agree because with all that opportunity to choose, we might be losing the ability to adapt to that which is put on the proverbial plate.
Once at the Pediatric Cardiologist office at Rutgers-New Brunswick, I sat with my foster baby waiting our turn. Across from us, a teenage boy sat with his mom; he with his hood up listening to his music through headphones and her scrolling through her phone. They were called before us and proceeded into the office only to come out about ten minutes later. The boy, still blocking out the world from inside his teenage cocoon, walked with his head down ahead of his mom who was sobbing and being held and comforted by a nurse assistant. My heart sank as I started to cry, and I held my foster baby closer, feeling the pain and hopelessness of that mother and wishing I could do more for these parents living this life of imperfection. Caring for my ailing foster son was an option, a choice I had made, while that mom had no choice but to struggle through the path of illness her son was living.
The Message We Must Remind Ourselves and (as educators) Convey to All Parents:
As parents and families, we do not get to choose the make and model of our offspring. We do not get to make choices as to the many twists, turns and even straight roads their life-path will take. We are not asked to decide what will fill their hearts and feed their passions. We are not able to easily ease their worries, take their ailments or quell their fears. These are not choices we get to make, though as parents we might wish they were. The illusion of choice is shattered when our children are faced with anxiety, stress or heartbreak and we are helpless. The list of options does not include an easy fix or the ability to remove the struggle altogether. Real life choices do not have seventy different shades of white...they are often Choice A or Choice B, black or white, neither of which is completely favorable.
I believe there are no mistakes as to the children born into our families and if we can remain open to the possibilities of life, as we become more vulnerable, we are able to grow into the parents and families we were intended to be. In the end, gratitude for that which we have been given and a vision for the future, can offer us the strength we need to persevere. As parents, it is true that we did not get to choose our offspring, and that is wonderful!!! In fact, as one who is not crazy about making choices, I am quite grateful! My children are perfectly mine, challenging me, supporting me and making me grow every day. We are called to raise to fullness the children given to us. We are called to guide them, comfort them, and help them to unleash their amazingness on the world! And as we move through life with them, if we are open and vulnerable to all life throws our way, we too will be raised to fullness.
It is true that if given the choice, we might choose to not have our children suffer, struggle or have mental illness. We might choose that they be gifted with different strengths, interests and passions. We might think we could have done better with different circumstances. Not true! This is the partnership that was intended and as with any relationship, neither side is incidental or accidental. Those kids who threw cheerios on the floor, temper tantrums in their bedroom and college rejection letters on your dining room table, are the very people who needed YOU at that moment. So rest easy. You've got this! Your children are bringing to you their challenges so that their growth can be yours as well.
