“Forget ‘rocket science’ or ‘brain surgery’: When we want to make the point that something isn’t really all that difficult, we ought to say, ‘Hey, it’s not parenting!’”
- Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting
As we wind down teacher appreciation week, it is fitting that we should take a moment to honor and appreciate the first teachers of the children we serve, their parents and guardians. It would be foolhardy to believe that the topic of parenting could be adequately covered in a blog post. And so, while this will certainly not pretend to be an exhaustive ode to parents, I hope to relay a message of appreciation, admiration and camaraderie. We are in this together and none of us have all the answers. What we do have is the ability to model for our children those traits we hope to see mirrored back to us as our children grow to their potential.
The recent excessive victories of James Holzhauer on Jeopardy have brought much attention to the world of knowledge. Heck, I don't even watch T.V. and still I have heard from more than one source of his incredible inclination to know answers to a plethora of questions. But I wonder....what would happen if we threw in a category or two about parenting. How would Mr. Holzhauer fare against a veteran parent if the categories were: "Overheard in the Car on a Long Trip", "Sounds from Beyond the Bathroom Door", "Sleep Deprivation and Full-Time Employment", "Interpersonal Negotiations of Siblings" and "How to Calm Your Teenage Daughter"?
You see, the difference between Mr. Holzhauer's knowledge and parental knowledge is that he can look up his answers, study them, and know they will be spot-on correct every time; the same is not so with parenting. You can have one child or seven, and the knowledge you employed so well yesterday might be a flat out disaster today. Parenting is a test of all skills on an exam for which there is no study guide because each new situation is unchartered, unpredictable and undocumented in any literature. There are no definite right answers and the test results, if they come in at all, are generally deemed useless for any future use. But what we do have at our disposal is the knowledge that all that we model for our children is learned with exponential capacity.
A friend of mine once asked, "Would you rather have the bully or the victim?" That makes me think:
Would you rather have the:
athlete or the musician...the crier or the stoic...the teaser or the teased...the giver or the taker
the list can go on and on, but it really doesn't matter because here's the thing, we don't get to choose. Our children are the beautiful human beings they were created to be. They will have propensities toward certain passions and this is what makes each one unique. Some traits, however, are true of all children. Children are born with the ability to love unconditionally, the desire to learn all that they can, and the capacity for showing kindness. They are inclined toward many human traits and with modeling and nurturing, those traits are grown and cultivated. While I believe that as a parent we should never take the glory or the blame for the successes or failures of our children, we do need to be aware that the traits we most often model for them will be the most prominent traits they display in life's journey.
Case in point:
You are looking here at a poster on display in my dining room. Some might call it silly...we call it décor. It is a list that the kids developed one night while we were discussing how different they each are and what each of them enjoys or despises in terms of what we like to do as a family. The boxes depict what is a suggested activity when each child is out of the house. For example, when Max is out, the girls and I can watch "Sob Stories" and when Anna and Rebecca are out, the "family" can go hiking, (though in my opinion, it's not a "family" hike if we are not all present!) Bernie, number 5, who is a lover of all things 'family', has nothing on her "list", unless and until we explore the humor. Bernadette is the author of "whistling, snapping and celebrating" when Anna is out and Anna's retort of that is found in Bernie's box where you see that we can "live in silence" in her absence. But perhaps my favorite part of this chart is what happened with Martha's box. Martha, our organizer, created this masterpiece. She is very particular about the appearance of her work, even silly home décor. So when Max wrote with the wrong color in Anna's box, Martha got very upset. Max then added a paper outside the chart where he wrote that when Martha is out, we can "use the wrong color". Give it a moment...let it sink in....I promise there is a reason I am sharing this story.
In this silly family display I see so many of the traits that have been modeled for my children. The most obvious are having a sense of humor and not taking ourselves too seriously. When I began parenting 17 years ago, I would have never put those lessons at the top of the list of things I needed to teach my children. Appreciating the differences inherent in those around us is another aspect that is illustrated in this example. I don't imagine that my children will waste much time trying to change friends and future spouses to fit their idea of who they believe people should be. They have watched as their mom has accepted and loved what is beautiful to behold in each of them, and they have clearly learned to embrace the fact that each other's differences are awesome. One other aspect of my children that is noticeable here is the respect for boundaries. While the lists clearly took a humorous turn, Max remained cognizant of Martha's requirement for neatness and organization, and so he did not mess up her paper to make his joke. He displayed his humor on a separate piece of paper to respect her needs while keeping the laugh going.
The list of what this paper demonstrates can go on to include so much more: organization of thoughts, openness to sharing and respect for what others enjoy; you get the picture. NONE of the lessons learned and displayed in this picture are items that I deliberately set out to teach. Nothing that was done to nurture these traits was found in a book such as the one noted above by Alfie Kohn. There was no direct knowledge involved and no magic list of rules to follow. They are simply traits that my children watched and echoed. By enjoying a good laugh myself, often at my own expense, for example, I have nurtured this trait in my children.
The overwhelming and frightening part is that children will model and echo all that they witness in the adults who have the most influence on them: positive and negative. So perhaps we all need to take a step back and inventory just what we are modeling for our children. For me, I know I must keep my perfectionism under control or it threatens to become a go-to for three of my children. I also tend toward fiery opinions being formed before all information is available and so I need to remind myself to model temperance and patience. And I won't even get started on my spontaneous and intense displays of emotion...my kids have had many chuckles as I've cried at student performances and games, and they have shushed me as I've laugh hardily in public. (Though the jury is still out on whether or not this is a negative thing. They think it is, I don't.)
In the end, if you are a parent, you know the score...you have the answers, or you don't, and that is part of the excitement in the journey. There are not definite answers for every possible parenting situation and so, here we are, called to support one another. Know that your parenting efforts are appreciated! Whether you have the introvert or the extrovert, the actor or the director, the sprinter or the marathoner, you are blessed beyond belief to be a parent! Your children are beautifully unique and will find their passions. We just need to keep modeling all those things that we hope to see mirrored back to us as our children mature. In the end we need to ensure that everything we model for them is laced with kindness, perseverance, respect and a good dose of laughter...after all, we are raising our caregivers. They will grow in those very traits we model most. And by the way when we are all old, if you share my nursing home room please remove the "Kick Me" sign from my back as I bask in the loving humor of my children.
