Paying Attention to the Present Moment Gives a Glimpse Into the Future

I've always marveled at how the journey of today leads to the path of tomorrow. I often spend time talking with my students about how the present moment is the most important predictor of the future. This holds true for children as well as adults, and so I heed my own words as well. When we take the time to think back to the milestones in life, more often than not, there were many strokes that painted the picture we enjoy at completion. Years of study to attain a degree. Building a savings to buy a home. Rolling and crawling in order to stand. Things don't just happen. Each time we achieve something, if we take the time to glance back, we see that these accomplishments, these milestones, took effort, discipline and time. Taking it one step further, I'd like to posit that if we pay attention to the present moment, really drinking it in for all that it offers, we can catch a glimpse into the promise of our future.

A case in point is the humble structure that my children and I call home. During my married years, I would drive past this house on my way to retrieve my children from the school where they attended 4th, 5th and  6th grade. As we would pass I'd comment about the house to my children, admiring it's white concreate outer walls and deep green shutters. I would contemplate the yard and imagine how much my children would love to call such a park-like scene, home. When divorce was imminent and my soon-to-be ex-husband made it clear he had no intention of leaving the marital home, the kids and I set out to find a new home for us. It was October of my first year back to full-time teaching. It was with trepidation yet determination that we set our sights on finding our new nest to house our new normal. No sooner did we begin our search that this house, the one we had admired for years, went up for sale. When we had the chance to go inside, we immediately felt at home. We still went to visit three other properties, but we all agreed that this home was for us. This level of unanimous agreement is unprecedented! We can't even agree on pizza toppings. So what was it that called us so clearly to our new home? I believe it was the familiarity that was cultivated driving by this house all those years. All those strokes on the canvas helped us to recognize it as our home when it was time for us to begin this new journey. 

The availability of this house and the agreement among my children and me that it felt like home, solidified for me what I had always manipulated in my head. The basic premise is this: without us knowing, without us playing a deliberate part, if we are attuned to the events that make up our everyday life, hints are given and subtleties are provided that prepare us for the next steps we will encounter so that we can feel ready to leap when necessary. I am a firm believer in the idea that people and places are put in our path for a reason. There are absolutely no coincidences. Furthermore, I believe we are given sneak previews of those things to come, if only we pay attention. And then when it becomes necessary, our eyes are opened to a new perspective, revealing to us for the first time something we have been seeing for years. 

Sometimes we lament monotony in the cycles of life, but perhaps the monotony is there so that the new things we need to encounter are not so overwhelming as to paralyze us from moving forward when they are revealed. As such, we need to pay attention and soak in all that life sends our way, during the excitement as well as the tedium. Where do you need to pay more attention? Are you missing the signs of something tremendous that is awaiting your attention? Is it time for you to take a leap that is really just a step away? If you are feeling that things are totally alien, unfamiliarly frightening, or sneaking up on you, that is a sign that you might need to pay closer attention to the monotony. What are you overlooking? What strokes have already adorned the canvas of your future? This moment, right now, will shape your future-self in such a way that you can become a better person because of it, if only you pay attention.

I Love Teens: Judgement, Acceptance, and Perception

I attended a gathering of high school students and parents last week. My daughter is part of an amazing educational experience called Teen Pep, through which she and her peers teach younger high school kids about the realities of sex, drugs and safety. At this gathering, the group was discussing teens' ability to talk to their parents about private, intimate, typically uncomfortable matters. The teens in attendance were split on whether or not they communicate freely with their parents when they have questions about sex, drugs and other problems. However, whether or not they were able to communicate consistently, there was a common thread regarding the teens' discernment processes regarding whether or not to open up to their parents. On the occasion when they did not feel comfortable sharing with their parents, the reason was distinctly the same: fear of their parents passing judgement.

OUCH! This struck a chord in me since just the day before my daughter and I had a conversation, an intense conversation, that included these very accusations. She read a message in my "look", one I never meant to convey and I don't even think I was feeling, but the reality was there for her all the same. Her perception was one of negativity. Her perception was one of me questioning her character. She was hurt. She felt unaccepted. She was sure I was judging her. Was I? I don't believe so. However, now that some time has passed, I can understand why she believed I was. Let's take a look. 

But first...

Here is a video of my children about four years ago. The daughter mentioned above is behind the camera. Her three younger sisters are about 7, 10 and 11 at the time of recording. If you have children, you can recall and reminisce about the days when they were younger. In their mind and yours, you were their biggest fan. They would produce a video, a picture, a paragraph; heck, a sneeze; and look to you for your approval. And they always found it. Why? Because their perception was that, of course you would love anything they did. The fact that they assumed you would was not the point then, but it is precisely what is missing now that they are older. Back then, they just assumed your reaction to them would be positive because, well, why wouldn't it be? They were your awesome children, the very product of yourself, and that knowledge was enough for them to feel judged only on the basis of your unconditional love.

So what changes as they get older? The judgement? The approval? The disapproval? Their perception? The rules of the game?

The answer to all of these questions, I believe, is "Yes".  

Unwittingly or not, as our children grow through adolescence, our relationship changes. True, all those years of building a relationship when they were little is a guiding force during adolescence. But before pre-adolescence, they are still a part of us. As much as the nose on our face or that extra inch on our waist, they are a part of something larger, accepted for all of their perceived flaws or attractions. They know they are perfectly ours and they don't question our approval of them. 

When children grow through adolescence, anyone will tell you, it is a turbulent time. This is not good or bad. It just is. Why is this fact so strikingly true? Because they are pulling away from us, yanking really, right off our very selves in order to become a separate, individual, independent being. No longer a part of the parent, they now see themselves differently. Sometimes this feels liberating and at other times (maybe only a minute later), it feels frighteningly vulnerable. No longer a part of us, they notice our judgement on their actions, their utterances and their choices. While we may have always been judging situations of our children, with their new perspective, their new position unattached from us, they experience our viewpoint very differently.

But that is another distinction worth noting. Read that last sentence above again.  We "have always been judging situations"...they used to know that. When I exclaimed my delight about Pink Fluffy Unicorns, I wasn't in any way judging the individuals. I was judging their creativity, their enthusiasm and their ability to be silly.  But not them. Neither am I doing so now when my daughter comes to me to express herself, ask questions or point fingers. I am not judging the person, but that is exactly what the person believes is happening. I don't know about you, but I know that judging my children is not for me to do any more than I judge you, or my students, or my family, or my friends. It is not up to me to judge, but to be with people where they are. It is, however, up to me to look at a situation, mull it in my mind, and let my teens know my thoughts.

So how do we let them know we are not here to pass judgement on them? How do we become the person they know they can talk to no matter what it is they have to tell us? How do we reopen the lines of communication and trust that ran so readily just a few years ago? Patience...Unconditional Love...Trusting Them With Our Uncertainties...Freely Giving Our Acceptance...Talking Candidly With Them and Their Friends...Doing all that we can to remind them that we are here to listen to them, to guide them, to accept them and to catch them when they fall. We are still, and always will be, their biggest fan.

Mom! Why? What if...???

Any parent will tell you that there are times when the needs of children become overwhelming.  Some words and questions are heard over and over, hundreds of times in a day. I am here to tell you, there are remedies...but there are also good reasons to allow the words and questions to be repeated. 

When the kids were little and I was home with them, there were days when the incessant "Mom. Mom? MOM!!!" would get to the point of being intolerable. If I had to hear "Mom?!" one more time, I thought I might scream. Luckily, "Mom" overuse was easily fixed with humor. I would simply declare that my name was Fred. If the kids needed me, they were expected to call me Fred since that was the only name to which I would respond for however long I needed to regroup. The ensuing giggling alone was like salve to my mind, alleviating the stress and helping us move forward with our day. By the way, this was done at home as well as when we were out and about. Occasionally the moniker was rewarded with an incredulous look from a fellow shopper or a chuckle from an amused cashier. Just icing on the cake!

The second most overly used word in my home environment was "Why?" Why? was much less frequently squashed, mainly because my curious nature and my desire to nurture thinkers and questioners drove me to feel torn between the need for silence and the desire to invite opportunities to teach. There were certainly times when I absolutely needed to declare a "No Why Zone" in order to maintain my sanity.  I just could not endure another Why? This was never done lightly or without consideration for the consequences of silencing curiosity. Why, you may ask? haha! Well, because Why? has so many implications for improvement and growth that I knew my need for the break would possibly stunt the very growth that I normally encouraged. Why? is such an important question, no matter the circumstances, ages or reasons.

While it is true that a three-year-old's "Why?" is quite different from that of a teenager's, which differs from an adult's, the foundation of the question is really quite similar. There is a desire to understand, to challenge and to seek information. "Why?" is such an important question, and one that we need to constantly bring to the forefront of what we do. As such, I challenge you today to keep asking yourself:

"Why?" 

1. Why do I feel this way? 
2. Why did I react as I did? 
3. Why don't I agree with this person? 
4. Why do I feel so strongly about this? 
5. Why do I keep doing it this way?
6. Why do I want to give up today? 
7. Why do I continue to surround myself with people who don't bring out my best? 
8. Why? Why? Why?

We need to keep asking Why? If we are honest with ourselves, we might begin to understand the reasoning behind our thoughts, actions and interactions. Then, when we have that understanding, the real challenge comes...the second most frequently asked words in the child questioning continuum. This request for further knowledge is wrapped into two small words.  Know which words are uttered next in the Why? conversation?  That's right:

"What if...?"

1. What if I try to change how I feel? 
2. What if I react with more compassion? 
3. What if I try to see it their way? 
4. What if I try to cool down a bit?
5. What if I try to do it another way? 
6. What if I look for the positive in my day...all day? 
7. What if I only surround myself with people who raise me up? 
8. What if? What if? What if?

I know I sometimes become complacent with why I do certain things, why I think certain ways and why I allow myself to believe I just need to accept things as they are. Not true!!!  When we stop asking Why?, we get stuck. We cannot function at our best if we are stuck in a No Why Zone. We are called to so much more!  We are questioners that need to go beyond the Why? to the What if...?  

Thank you for reading and until next time, keep on questioning,

With much gratitude,

Fred.

Are You the One?

Are You the One?

Are you the one to whom I can send my child in the morning and know that he will be listened to, cared about and loved?

Are you the one who will understand my child, sit with her when she misses me, and hand her crayons as an invitation to draw a picture for comfort.

Are you the one who is always able to answer 

respect with respect, 

kindness with kindness, 

love with love, 

and disrespect with 
respect, kindness, and love?

Are you the one who greets my child with a smile even just moments after leaving your own difficulties, struggles and challenges.

Are you the one who will not critique me as a parent, but will work with me and guide me in the ways necessary to help my child?

Are you the one to whom I can turn when I don't know how to help my own child?

Are you the one who will not give up on my child even when he thinks he is worthless?

Are you the one who will not judge?

Are you the one who took the extra time to talk with the group about what we might feel at a time like this? Who helped us put into words the feelings that grip our souls? Who gave my child the language necessary to express feelings that were foreign and new so that she could release the angst inside?

I feel heaviness on my heart.

I feel a sadness so deep it is frightening.

I feel I just can't take it anymore.

I feel I want to help but I don't know how.

I feel guilty for how I treated him.

Are you the one who wonders what more you could have done?

Don't be afraid...

Don't miss your chance...

Don't neglect the calling to...

Be the one. 

                 Be the one. 

                                  Be the one.  

Even though you are scared and hurt and grieving, 

Even though you don't know what to say,

Even though you wish you could escape, 

Even though you want to give up, 

Don't. 

Please don't. 

Instead, be the one my child can trust.

Be the one. 

Please. 

There may be no one else.

You may be the only one 

who can

 Be the one.