OUCH! This struck a chord in me since just the day before my daughter and I had a conversation, an intense conversation, that included these very accusations. She read a message in my "look", one I never meant to convey and I don't even think I was feeling, but the reality was there for her all the same. Her perception was one of negativity. Her perception was one of me questioning her character. She was hurt. She felt unaccepted. She was sure I was judging her. Was I? I don't believe so. However, now that some time has passed, I can understand why she believed I was. Let's take a look.
Here is a video of my children about four years ago. The daughter mentioned above is behind the camera. Her three younger sisters are about 7, 10 and 11 at the time of recording. If you have children, you can recall and reminisce about the days when they were younger. In their mind and yours, you were their biggest fan. They would produce a video, a picture, a paragraph; heck, a sneeze; and look to you for your approval. And they always found it. Why? Because their perception was that, of course you would love anything they did. The fact that they assumed you would was not the point then, but it is precisely what is missing now that they are older. Back then, they just assumed your reaction to them would be positive because, well, why wouldn't it be? They were your awesome children, the very product of yourself, and that knowledge was enough for them to feel judged only on the basis of your unconditional love.
So what changes as they get older? The judgement? The approval? The disapproval? Their perception? The rules of the game?
The answer to all of these questions, I believe, is "Yes".
Unwittingly or not, as our children grow through adolescence, our relationship changes. True, all those years of building a relationship when they were little is a guiding force during adolescence. But before pre-adolescence, they are still a part of us. As much as the nose on our face or that extra inch on our waist, they are a part of something larger, accepted for all of their perceived flaws or attractions. They know they are perfectly ours and they don't question our approval of them.
When children grow through adolescence, anyone will tell you, it is a turbulent time. This is not good or bad. It just is. Why is this fact so strikingly true? Because they are pulling away from us, yanking really, right off our very selves in order to become a separate, individual, independent being. No longer a part of the parent, they now see themselves differently. Sometimes this feels liberating and at other times (maybe only a minute later), it feels frighteningly vulnerable. No longer a part of us, they notice our judgement on their actions, their utterances and their choices. While we may have always been judging situations of our children, with their new perspective, their new position unattached from us, they experience our viewpoint very differently.
But that is another distinction worth noting. Read that last sentence above again. We "have always been judging situations"...they used to know that. When I exclaimed my delight about Pink Fluffy Unicorns, I wasn't in any way judging the individuals. I was judging their creativity, their enthusiasm and their ability to be silly. But not them. Neither am I doing so now when my daughter comes to me to express herself, ask questions or point fingers. I am not judging the person, but that is exactly what the person believes is happening. I don't know about you, but I know that judging my children is not for me to do any more than I judge you, or my students, or my family, or my friends. It is not up to me to judge, but to be with people where they are. It is, however, up to me to look at a situation, mull it in my mind, and let my teens know my thoughts.
So how do we let them know we are not here to pass judgement on them? How do we become the person they know they can talk to no matter what it is they have to tell us? How do we reopen the lines of communication and trust that ran so readily just a few years ago? Patience...Unconditional Love...Trusting Them With Our Uncertainties...Freely Giving Our Acceptance...Talking Candidly With Them and Their Friends...Doing all that we can to remind them that we are here to listen to them, to guide them, to accept them and to catch them when they fall. We are still, and always will be, their biggest fan.
