Just Enough Time to Teach Discipline and Motivation

As teachers, we are called upon daily to reach down into the very last drop of energy, the very last glimmer of endurance, in order to always be present to our students.  Sometimes it would be nice if there was a pause button, some way to catch our breath.  How can we make sure that we have what it takes to continue to teach with passion, even when what we most want to do is hit snooze and take a much needed break?  As May begins, we hear our colleagues counting down; only 7 more Mondays, only 38 more days, 46 counting weekends, etc...We are among the short-timers...a term used to describe someone nearing the end of military service.  To the short-timer, patience for the minutia of the daily grind is just about depleted, planning seems futile, and all that is getting one through each day is the approach of the end.  That may be how the end is experienced in the military (though I wonder) but this attitude has absolutely no place in school! The difference between the military short-timer and the educational short-timer is the classroom set of twenty, twenty-five or thirty eyeballs that are still watching, soaking up what it is that you have to teach.

And so, in these last few weeks of the school year, what will you teach?

Will you teach discipline?  All year you have implored your students to follow through, finish what they started and work to their fullest potential at all times.  If you haven't said at least a version of one of these adages to a student at some point this year, I would be surprised.  At the end of the year, we are given the greatest opportunity to teach these adages through our own actions and words.  When you keep giving it your all, even through testing days and end-of-year hoopla,  your students will learn that you follow through with your intentions.  They will sense that we as teachers do what we have set out to do, and we do it well, because that's what intentional disciplined people are all about.  Formal observations are completed, "normal" school days will be scattered among festivities and interruptions.  These will be the hardest days to remain faithful to teaching, demonstrating the discipline of intentionality. It is challenging to teach discipline by example in the beginning of the school year when everything is exciting and new, and we cannot demonstrate it effectively when we are coasting along mid-year and well into our teaching groove.  But this time of year, the time when we have to dig down to find every ounce of oomph we have left, this is when we can rise above the desire to check out and truly demonstrate for students the discipline we hope they will learn.

Will you teach motivation?  Motivation is that push, from inside oneself or from an outside source, that propels us to act.  It is different from discipline in that it is based on positive inclinations.  Discipline helps us follow through,even when we are not excited to do so.  Motivation ensures and requires that we are excited to do so and keeps us moving on track toward our goals through its feeding of our inner strength.  Motivation can be created for the athlete who wants to play in the next game and so he studies for his test to bring his scores up, but it can also be created by the student's innate drive to know "I can do it!"  Motivation for teachers can be created when we know we are being observed on Monday, when we want to build relationships with our students, or when we know that our students need certain skills in order to move on to the next level.

So what does this mean for our motivation as the year winds down?  Where will you find your motivation?  After all, your time with these students is almost coming to an end, your curriculum is almost completed (or so far from completion that the fight is futile), and summer will come regardless of what you do.  Perhaps the motivation we need most can come from the desire to demonstrate to children how to be motivated against the current.  Motivation, when there is little on the horizon that is notable, is difficult to find.  Motivation relies on anticipation... and so, as teachers we must create anticipation.  Consider how you might do this, and get to it...there's not much time left!  One idea might be to celebrate one child a day for the remainder of the school year.  It might motivate you and the class if you take the time to determine and showcase those traits that each student has brought to the classroom throughout the year.  Students can make a schedule and then continue to plan and maintain a level of excitement as they come to school each day ready to celebrate a friend.  Celebrating others and creating an atmosphere of collaboration in the planning can be a great motivator!  What other ideas do you have to help you continue to feel motivation and model it for your students?

No one said it was going to be easy.  You didn't sign up for easy.  It wasn't until running a half marathon that I appreciated the fact that the only way to train for miles 11-13 is to run miles 1-10.  And after you've run miles 1-10, the last thing you want to do is give up because you lack the discipline and motivation to finish strong.  We have made it to the final miles.  This is when we really get to show what we are made of, to show our grit, to display those very traits we wish "kids today" demonstrated more often.  Let's teach these final two lessons in such a way that our students are left with an unforgettable example of their teachers' incredible discipline and motivation, just when those traits were hardest to muster.

Weekend Post: What I Learned from the Authors

The opening slide of my presentation for this past Thursday's professional development displayed my home's welcome mat.  It depicts a squirrel greeting guests with the words, "Welcome to the Nut House".  For the next hour and a half I painted a picture of humor, family life, attempts at organization and joy in the journey no matter what it brings.  Several times during the presentation my heart was met with a new feeling; a feeling of being in uncharted territory.  I'm a reflection addict and so I knew I would need to explore the sensation later and when I did, this is what became clear to me:

Of the many workshops I've presented in the past, all were delivered over the safety nets of other people's research and other people's thoughts.  I would read a few books or study the experiences of a couple educators, then deliver the knowledge I had garnered and happily give credit to the authors.   No risks taken, no feeling of vulnerability.  But in this week's sessions, I shared my findings and my ideas.  For the first time my family, my parenting and my ways of managing my day to day teacher-life were the research; the topics that spurred conversation in the group.  The new feeling in my heart was a mixture of panic and euphoria.  We were having discussions based on how I "survive with grace", and I realized that the descriptions of these experiences might actually help to guide others. That is huge!

In the end, I was also struck by what it was I had to share.  I had made the slideshow, but in presenting it to others reality set in.  I had wanted my message to be truthful and genuine.  But what the pictures and stories depicted is that my life is utterly crazy!  Good crazy, but crazy just the same.  As I prepared my slides, I wanted participants to know that what I had shared was one hundred percent my story, my life, and filled with possibilities for them.  I openly displayed my struggles and my victories; my unique home and my Balance Goals. And even with all of that, it wasn't until I heard what went on in my household during my absence, that I really was able to piece together what it was that I learned while presenting on Thursday. Yes, what I learned.

If I can paint the picture well enough, you will understand why I relinquish all credit from Thursday's presentation to the true authors, my children.  My session, prepared with vignettes from my home and my life was entitled, "Finding Balance in the Midst of Real Life".  Twice I guided folks through the life I share with my children, what I do to make it work, and how I find my balance.  It all sounds so...so...picturesque, right?  "My five children, no my five angels, carrying me through motherhood on their perfectly synchronized wings." Even as I described it, it sounded surreal. The participants and I spoke of plans, and we spoke of plans needing adjustment.  We discussed unpredictability, kids taking humorous jabs at one another, kids helping each other, and how goals change as life marches along.  We spoke about accepting life as it is.  I am so grateful that I painted a realistic picture, because upon my return, I heard this story...

My day at Professional Development 
While My Children Were Home  
                         ...a story in three parts.

• In the morning, my good friend arrived with doughnuts for the children.  The children were awake and they shared a nice morning of talking.  But the lesson in this part of the story is in the doughnuts.  Ever since they were small, if we got doughnuts I would cut them into halves or quarters in case more than one child wanted the same kind.  My children know that having a 'full' doughnut rarely means one full round cake. Sometimes it was two halves, sometimes quarters were involved.  And so, as my friend tells it, she watched in amazement on Thursday morning as the children cut each doughnut in order to share.  To top it off, she was further amazed that some of them went for an apple after eating one half of a treat.  Who does that?  They were demonstrating the very sharing attitude that I was talking about when I presented our chores chart, and the wellness atmosphere of keeping our bodies physically well. 

• Next came the afternoon when I did not have a scheduled adult to check in on the crew.  That is when a "humongous" bee decided to take the welcome mat seriously and enter the house.  As my girls tell the story, they proceeded to run out of the front door while screaming for their older brother to get the bee.  He was unsure what to do, but the next time they looked into the house, he was wearing a winter hat and brandishing a badminton racket.  To them it appeared he was swinging wildly but in time, their big brother came out of the house victorious...the bee stunned not dead, laying on the racket.  They were demonstrating how I spoke of them looking out for one another and helping when needed.

• And finally, part three of the story came to me as I entered our bathroom in the evening.  My oldest daughter, tired of reminding her siblings to shut the light, had made a sign for the light switch while I was out. "Turn off the light, Thank you."  Surprisingly she didn't sign it, "The Management".  I had just spent time showing photos of my home, the many signs around the house declaring how lucky we are to have a small house, our job charts, our three month planning calendar on our dining room wall, and homemade birthday cards, one that says, "Hey Mom, We know you'll make the best of your birthday no matter what happens...you always do."  Signs around our house that not only remind us of various events and dates, but signs that in essence say, "We are filled with love", "I care about us", "I believe in you".  That one new sign taped next to the light switch while I was presenting, was an additional reminder that we are here to care about one another and beyond.

Yes, I'll make the best of anything that comes my way.  It is my optimistic nature.  And what I learned while at PD on Thursday is that my kids will do the same.  It was a strong reminder that children will mirror and learn whatever we most often put in front of them.  A reminder that we must consistently choose our words, our actions and our paths wisely.  Our children are watching, soaking it in.  Do right by them long enough, and when you are not there to guide them, they will still cut the doughnuts, eat an apple instead, save each other from vicious bees and guide one another's actions with loving kindness.  The fact is, my children deserve the credit I received for writing Thursday's presentation.  They were the authors this time and I was relaying their message to the workshop participants.  I stated repeatedly that it is possible to achieve balance and peace in the midst of life's noise and they proved me right.

The Path to Wellness is Paved with Balance

If you drink coffee like I do, you might spend more time with your mug than with most of the people in your life.  There is a reason coffee mug quotes tend toward positive, funny or catchy. Positive affirmations have a way of seeping into our minds, guiding our thoughts and shaping our day. (so do negative comments and that is why we need to eliminate them from our minds...but that is a topic for another post) I have several mugs that I use throughout my week, each highlighting a certain quality of life.  Live Simply and Care Deeply... Live with Purpose.... Express Gratitude... Over the past week as I have been preparing to guide a session at our district's Wellness Fair, I have found one of my favorite mugs has been in my hand daily to keep me focused on my presentation,  Finding Balance in the Midst of Everyday Life.  The wisdom of its quote truly sums up how I attempt to live my life with balance.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

Noise is inevitable.  There will be noise.  Defining the noise and realizing how to hold on to the right noise is the key to balance.  I'm going to bring you back about 14 years when my two oldest children (now 17 and 16) were 3 and 2.  In order to do some of my bookkeeping work from home I had a computer and the internet put into my house.  This seemed like a great idea and I was excited to have the computer at home to help me feel more connected to the outside world as I fumbled with diapers and baby food.  And it was a great idea, until I started to get frustrated with my children for all the "interruptions" to my work.  I found myself displaying short tempered behavior that belied my usual patience.  It seemed that every time I booted up that machine my two children started to need me more.  As soon as my attention went to the screen, they would begin to cry, fuss or fight.  Next I would get annoyed and feel that their interruptions were an intrusion.   But the truth is, they were doing exactly what a 3 and 2 year old were supposed to be doing, and they certainly were not doing anything they hadn't done before the computer came to invade our world.  The computer was the intruder...it had upset the balance I needed in order to be the parent I wanted to be.  I can still remember the moment I was struck with the realization.  The computer was gone and the internet was canceled the next day.

I remind myself of that story when I feel frustrated with any lack of balance. Now there are older children to whom I devote my days.  There is also a teaching job with more children to love.  When I am feeling short tempered I pause and take inventory.  Am I trying to hold onto things that just don't fit in my life?  I have made a list of items that I call my "Balance Goals".  Those goals include my mental, emotional and physical wellness, my children and parenting, my professional endeavors and teaching, and my extended family.  All are equally important and in an ever-changing preferential order depending on what life is sending in my direction.  But when something is frustrating me by presenting as an intrusion, I take time to check to see if it fits into any of my Balance Goals.  If it does then I try to discern how I can make it more symbiotic in my life. If it does not, then it probably needs to go and I figure out how to make that happen. 

My Balance Goals are unique to me.  They are a changing, living, contract I have made with myself.  Yours will be unique to you.  If you base your Balance Goals on all the parts of your life that are most important to you, these ambitions will help to guide you toward a sense of fullness, contentment and peace.  I must warn you, when you find that you are expending your energy on something that does not fit into your goals, you might need to dig deep in order to let it go.  It is not easy to give up the internet and computer, or whatever your unique intrusion might be, even when you see that it is negatively effecting those things that are most important to you.  At times you will justify your desires, try to hold on to those very things that you need to let go, and sometimes even refuse to do so. 

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

These words may seem impossible, but they become livable when we find our balance by holding tightly to those things that lead us toward our goals and omitting those things that don't. There will still be noise...there will always be noise...but the noise will take on a melodic harmony in your soul and bring calmness to your heart.

In the Presence of Kindness

The Acme in our town closed down last summer and I have yet to find a location for shopping that can give to me what that store gave.  For the record, I strongly dislike shopping of any sort, but when I went to the Acme I always found just what I needed to brighten my day and make my heart a little lighter.  Even on days when I dreaded going to the Acme, if I allowed myself to be open to the flow of life, I found exactly what I needed.  It wasn't Acme's produce, dairy or grocery shelves.  It wasn't the prices or even the convenience of the Acme being only a mile from my home.  The lifechanging part of the Acme lay in a single employee; one simple man who could enter my heart, wash it out and put it back, all within the timeframe of my shopping excursion.  His name was James.

It started out unwittingly. In fact it was a long time before I realized the gift that was being lavished upon me.  The Acme was convenient for a quick dinner ingredient or for lunchmeat to be used the following day.  I was there more than I would like to admit, and in fact so frequently that I had my heart stolen by James, a man with special needs who was employed to collect carts.

When James and I first met he would see my car enter the lot, come up to open my door and proceed to follow me throughout the store. If my children were with me, he would engage them as well, offering a smile or a point of optimism.  After the initial pleasantries that he dutifully exchanged with me, the conversation almost always went in the same direction.  James would hang his head and tell me how his mother had just died.  I would offer condolences and listen as I took items from the shelf, ordered at the deli counter and paid my bill. The death of his mother was James' daily reality. We would relive the event, talk about how wonderful she was and how much he missed her.  My children would sometimes ask, "Why does he always tell you the same thing?"  My answer would include how it was real to him and new to him every day and he just needed to share his grief.

Now for the hard part for me to admit:  I wish I could say that I always welcomed the time with James but the truth is there were many times when I would arrive at the Acme and attempt to avoid him. Perhaps I was having a bad day and just wanted to run in and out of the store without talking to anyone.  Or maybe I was in a rush between school and evening activities, still needing to prepare dinner and get the kids ready for what lie ahead in our evening.  Whatever the reason, I knew that James following me would slow me down, take my energy and invade my brain that needed to remember the five things I neglected to put onto a written list.

After one exceptionally trying day I arrived at the Acme determined to run in and out. My heart was exceedingly heavy that day, awash in worry about the new direction my life was taking as my kids and I navigated our new normal of divorced life. That day I saw James and attempted to avoid...but he wasn't having it.  I remember thinking I was going to lose my mind if I had to give just one more piece of my heart away.  You see, at this point, I did not yet realize it was James who was giving to me, not the other way around.  And so, he followed me through the store. But surprisingly as we talked, instead of feeling more frustrated, my agitation actually dissipated, my mind eased and my tension left.  I found myself laughing with James and talking about his mother, a woman I had never met.  We "reminisced" fondly and I found myself contemplating a longing to know the woman who raised this angel.  Usually it was a scripted give and take...I knew my lines and when to deliver them.  But this day I stopped and I listened to him.  I took in his pain and lived it with him and in doing so I was lifted out of my own world for the moments we shared in the Acme aisles.

I'm not going to lie and say that every time following this incident I looked forward to the extra attention offered to me by a trip to the Acme.  But I will share what I gained being in the presence of my friend, James.

• James was kindness personified. He knew no other way to be.  He also knew what would help him feel better and he trustingly sought it in others. He was not afraid of rejection or judgment.  And perhaps the most beautiful part; he had no idea what he was giving away in the interim. 

• James taught me kindness as he shed kindness on me every time I encountered him. In the beginning of our relationship I thought I was being kind by listening to him.  That could not be further from the entirety of the situation.  It is a simple component of the incredible amount of kindness we shared together.  

• James hurt.  James grieved.  James trusted.  I know there are events in my life that I repeat to those willing to listen hoping to find solace in the sharing of the pain. Every day James' mother's death was new news that he needed to share with a compassionate heart. I am sure that I was not the only person with whom James shared his time and his story.  But how blessed was I to be one of the lucky ones with whom he would share his ancient new pain? Don't we all have parts of our life that are like that?  We all have hurts or insecurities that come knocking even though we thought we put them away.  Unlike James however, we don't generally trust that others will be willing to help us unpack it, share the hurt and grow in the process.  We should.

• In the end the most important thing I realize is that I want to be "James" for other people.  I want to be the person that brightens the day just by being me.  James knew only kindness.  I want to be that kindness for others.

Since our Acme closed down I have temporarily lost touch with James.  I have my feelers out trying to find where he is these days.  Perhaps our chapter is over.  I might never encounter James again and that will be OK.  But I would love to find him and pull into the lot where he is gracing the patrons with his very being.  Just seeing his smile would make my day, cradle my heart and remind me how blessed I was to once have the opportunity to spend so much of my time in the presence of James, the very Presence of Kindness.

Mending Our Cracks and Living Our Wellness

Parenting is unequivocally the most important factor influencing our children and creating a positive course for the future.  If parenting has a mirror image in the professional realm, it is teaching.  I believe that education, more than any other profession, dictates the direction of our future as a culture, as a country and as a species.  So if we truly believe that education is the most important profession we can perform in order to mold the guardians of the future, then why are we at best mediocre in taking care of the very people who teach?  This is not a finger pointing post about laws or unions.  It is not about debating government willingness to fund education or how policy might be failing our kids. This is more important than any of that. This is personal. This is about you and me taking the time to care for ourselves.  This is about Teacher-Wellness and putting our health; physical, mental and emotional, at the top of our to-do list and never wavering from regarding it as a priority.

In teaching, our craft is only as effective as the vessel delivering it.  A cracked jug cannot deliver as much water to the thirsty as a jug that is fully intact.  As such, if we truly believe that teaching is changing the future, it is imperative that the vessel (teacher) is able to be at its most effective. No cracks allowed. Wellness is not an option...it's a necessity. And yet, when we prioritize our goals we often neglect to put wellness at the top of the list.  Perhaps we think there is just no time for self-care, or perhaps we don't even know what it is that we need to do in order to nurture ourselves.  Wellness is about mending the existing cracks and taking measures to prevent new ones.  It is about knowing yourself well enough to know what you need in order to be as healthy as possible.  Take a moment right now to take inventory.  This is serious.  Teaching requires us to be fully functional, all cracks tended and mended.

I started out strong in this post because there is no part of me that wants to be misunderstood here.  Fact is, no one can help or hinder your wellness except you.  How are you making sure that you are taking care of all aspects of your health?  For me, every single thing I do, every endeavor I hope to achieve, every dream I chase, all of it...starts with me focused on taking care of myself.  I don't take elaborate vacations, spend tons of money at the spa or partake in any other type of self-care that takes me in a different direction from my passions.  I focus on my passions and fit my wellness into my current situation.

Take this blogging excursion for example.  For a long time it was on my mind to start writing in this manner. I knew it would be cathartic for me.  I gifted myself with a tablet for Christmas.  I mulled and questioned and deliberated. In the end, I realized that routine writing would be a lot of work but it would also serve a wellness purpose in me that I was not fulfilling in any other way.  Anyone who knows me knows that it is my nature to fully listen and to rarely talk.  In fact, the idea for this particular post's topic came as I actively listened to a conversation that I was "part of" but to which I was not verbally contributing.  In the conversation, one teacher explained to the group that she "has no wellness left".  My inner voice screamed about how I should speak up, offer advice, help her...but I didn't.  But here in my writing I am finding my voice in ways that are contributing to my wellness because I am sharing my thoughts as well as nurturing the part of me that genuinely cares for others.  After every post so far I have felt a sense of relief from the stress of my silence. That's an example of wellness fitting into something I love to do.

The path to individual wellness will be a unique journey to each of us.  Figuring it out takes time.  Wellness is not one or two adjustments. It is not relaxing on spring break or reading a book. It is a lifestyle that seeks to help create the best version of yourself.  It will not necessarily take any extra time and it does not need to cost a thing. It can fit right in to what you are doing, it should reinforce your passions and it will make you feel a sense of peace as it feeds your soul.  For today, let's commit together to mending our cracks and tending to our needs by making wellness a priority. Let us self-speak the words that are crucial to creating the best version of ourselves: "I will make wellness a priority!"

Weekend Post: No Parent Travels Alone!

Perhaps nothing makes me more aware of my dual role in life/education than the week when we hold Parent/Teacher conferences.  Since I have the benefit of teaching in the same district where my five children attend school, I enjoy the week toggling back and forth on each side of the proverbial desk.

From the parental side of the desk this is always a humbling experience for me as I receive information from the adults who share a love for my children and I get to hear of the accomplishments, struggles and victories that are part of my children's educational journey.  From a kindergarten pants-pooping incident to amazing academic achievements, I have been the receiver of it all!  This year with my children ranging from grades 4 to 12 maybe we are over the poopy pants but we still have our share of struggles and our varying degrees of accomplishments, all part of the journey and in my mind, all reasons for celebration.  My children are on the path to their full potential and receiving love and guidance from the adults entrusted with their fragile souls.

Then there's the other side of the desk where I enjoy the responsibility and privilege of delivering information to parents about their child's journey with me as their teacher.  I am entrusted with these fragile souls just as I trust other teachers with my children.  Wow!  Since I am in contact with parents all year through messages, notes and meetings, there is little that I have to convey at conferences that is new to them.  Instead we can use this time to simply sit and talk about our favorite people, their children, and make sure we are all following the plan to their child's full potential.

Leading children to discover and realize their full potential is to me, the most exciting part of parenting and teaching all wrapped in one.

The volumes of child development books in the bookstore and online would have one believe children follow a fixed and paved path as they grow.  After all, experts have decided upon the window of time in which children should stand, walk, smile and talk.  As parents we read these volumes, (all be it more intently as our first child is born and by number 5 we are just rolling the dice), but the fact remains, we assume we have a pretty good idea of the path that lies ahead for us and our offspring.  This is all fine and good until we are confronted by a child, our own or a student, who does not fit the Child Development Mold.  What I can attest to as a mom and a teacher, is that there are as many paths of parenting children toward their full potential as there are children-each child going at his own pace and doing what he is intended to do in his time. The path of the child is there to be followed in order to keep the child true to himself, but it is his unique path.  It is up to us as parents and teachers to guide the child, nurture the path, and accept the individual unconditionally.

At times it seems the road crew was there well in advance of our parental arrival.  The road is easy and the journey smooth.  Each new milestone is celebrated with pictures and exciting anticipation of what is to come.  At other times the parents stand with their child at a precipice where the road seems to have ended-the construction crew is maybe out to lunch or perhaps at a standstill because the plan that is necessary does not yet exist.  The parent of the child with medical challenges, academic struggles, risk-seeking behaviors; all those circumstances that fall outside the box, can feel isolated.  It is at these times that parenting becomes lonely territory...that sensation of being alone in a crowded room.  The parent stands grieving the loss of the path that seemed to be easily visible just moments before.  Perhaps there is a detour or ancillary routes that must be traversed.  These parents embark with their children along a path that at once is unfamiliar, frightening, and foreboding. Together step by step with their child, they do what they can to find their way back to the road that leads to their child's full potential.

And so as I wrap up this week of conferences I am here to tell you that as parents, we need never to travel alone!  For every path, there is someone who has been somewhere similar.  Right now there are others on the road with you, you need only reach out to find them.  Our children are unique for a reason...the world needs them just as they are!  When we find other parents, teachers, mentors who can walk with us in the darkness, together we can find the way back toward our child's path to their  full potential.  I know I am here to offer help, as are many of my colleagues...no one goes alone!

Free Imaginary T-shirt Just for Reading this Post

Like it or not, our words and actions have the power to make or break our relationships.  This is the case in our personal and public life, and multiplied in the classroom. Every utterance that we allow to leave our lips matters.  But that's not all...  Every facial expression, body stance and eye movement decorates those words in ways that tell our students just how much they mean to us.  From the moment you laid eyes on your students and welcomed them into your classroom, you have been influencing how they perceive you, your room, and their education.  And so at every moment of the day we must be intentional about what we say, how we say it, and what we use to follow it up. This might seem impossible, but just like everything else that moves us toward our true potential, with hard work and deliberate action, positive language will become a habit.

OK, now I'm going to stoke the fire a little.  As you read along, please keep reminding yourself there is no judgement here!  None at all...not of me, not of you.  We are all in this together and we must face the uncomfortable and name it out loud in order to grow. (Harry Potter fans can think: the power of "Voldemort".)

So here we go:  Deep breath:  Raise your hand if you've said or heard these types of statements:

• How can you possibly still not know what to do? I've given the directions three times.

• My class last year was able to _________, I don't know why you can't.

• Why aren't you paying attention?

This small sampling of negative comments is meant to get your mind working a little. Negative talk is a reality...it happens,  But why?  Some might say that the underlying message in all of these statements is,  "You are not living up to my expectations and therefore there is something wrong with you."  It is certainly plausible that children might interpret these statements as a judgement on their abilities.  I believe we need to take it one step further.  In statements such as these, I also hear frustration from the speaker that one's own expectations are not being met.

The "why" of our negative talk is important, because it is only through naming our "why" that we can pinpoint a solution.  I am willing to wager that most of the time negative talk falls out of the mouth of an educator, the ego is wrapped up in the preceding event. Sometimes, there is the feeling that the child's behavior is intentionally directed at the speaker. "Clearly they are trying to make me upset, and that makes me frustrated and angry."  That is our ego talking.  For the most part, child behavior has nothing to do with you.  I know it is hard to see it that way...it is wrapped up in layers of personal feelings, but if we truly want to build relationships, we need to leave our egos in the parking lot. Every time we as teachers utter something negative, roll our eyes, sigh, etc...we destroy a little bit of the relationship we worked so hard to create. Student inability to perform a task, whether academic or behavioral, is not a personal affront.  And when we embrace that understanding, we are able to move forward with solutions that build relationships.

Children need to trust us.  They also need to know we trust them.  They need to know that we love them unconditionally.  I believe with all my heart that the very least we can do is make sure we are speaking respectfully to them every moment of every day.  And so with that goal in mind, let's pretend that we are getting teacher shirts made.  When we put on our imaginary shirts tomorrow and pass one another in the hallway, let's all see these messages:

• on the front the shirts say, "I Teach By My Example" and 

• on the back they say, "I Always Communicate with Kindness and Compassion" 

What do you think? There is no negative talk when we are wearing our shirts.  Considering their message, that would just look silly.  I'm up for the challenge! Let's wear our shirts with the integrity of teachers who are intent on building up our students and our relationships.

Weekend Post: Reader Request: How Can You Foster?

In getting to know people I have come to realize that certain aspects of the Maccaroni life are intriguing just by the nature of who we are.  To us, living our "us" just is...we are who we are, and we go about doing what we do, just because. I tried to think of clever ways to introduce today's post but really, it is just an answer to a question that often comes our way:

 "How can you foster?"

There are various reasons for well-meaning folks to ask this question, and a few reasons for not-so-well-meaning folks to ask it.  The later is not my problem, but the former is the gist of this post.

1. Often the speaker is asking to understand how it is possible to take a child in only to give it away to someone else.  Don't the kids and I love the babies put into our care?  If so, how can we possibly not get attached and instead plan to give them away?   
2. Sometimes the speaker is implying that having five children and a full time job should already take more of my time than I am willing to give.  Allowing another child to enter the chaos seems overwhelming.  
3. And finally, I think there are some people who are genuinely frightened by the idea of the Foster Care System, and they don't understand why anyone would invite this structured drama into their lives.  

These are all credible concerns, and the short answers are that:

1. Yes, we do love the children put into our care, more than we ever dreamed possible.  We do get attached since that is of utmost importance for a child who is abandoned or otherwise separated from her parents.  And finally, of course we grieve as each child leaves our home.  Over their time with us, they become part of our family. But the grieving though painful, is bearable because we have the love of each other to see us through the tremendous loss suffered, and the belief that we are following a calling.
2. Yes, we have a busy life, but adding another child to a life that is already child centered is like adding another fish to the pond...it fits just fine. When I was home with my children, babies fit perfectly into my diaper table life.  Our home is still open for infants, and the struggle to make them fit into our present-day life is immense, but not impossible.  I'll share more on that below.
3. And Yes, the Foster Care System operates in a way that is challenging and trying on the patience to say the least, but any child who needs us is worth the struggle of working with the system.  For us to deny a foster child sharing our home and love because I don't want to deal with the paperwork or politics seems petty.

You see, the answer to all of these and any other meanings behind the question, "How can you foster?" is simple.  To understand it, we need to stop overthinking things because sometimes it behooves us to accept something for the simplicity it offers. Perhaps to best answer the question above, I need to ask you to close your eyes and answer a simple question of my own:

 "What do you think a child in foster care needs more than anything?"

The answer I believe in all of the many circumstances surrounding foster children is, A Loving Family.  Well, of the few things the Maccaroni family can easily offer, the few things we have in abundance, love is at the top of the list.  We don't have money...that's for sure. And time to spend outside of family life is minimal at best. We really don't even have a large home to offer individual space.  But what we have is exactly what a child in crisis needs; siblings who will play, feed or snuggle and a mom who patiently guides the family (including foster siblings) to understand that some days will be better than others but as long as we have each other, love will see us through.

And so you see, for us to not open our door to offer what we have been so abundantly blessed to possess is not an option.  It really is that simple.

I know that this answer will not quell the questions many of you still have.  To many, it seems excessive to add a child to an already busy household. And if I am honest, last year when we opened our home to our first foster baby since I began working again full time, it was an unprecedented trial.  We needed to incorporate an infant into our lives where an infant no longer easily fit. We welcomed her adoptive parents into our home each day for about a month while we all went to school, then we stayed up nights with her because well, she was a newborn!  It was challenging for sure!  But in the end, not one of us would have traded getting to know this little baby for anything, and certainly not just for more sleep! She was a gift and brought joy to our home.  Our lives are forever touched by knowing her and her adoptive family.  We went to her adoption celebration and look forward to watching her grow up...all because we were willing to share our home and our family.

To leave you, I will attach two articles I wrote that were published in America Magazine and Plough Magazine. The articles depict two of our foster care experiences, and shed light on this part of the Maccaroni life. The little girl in the first article is now 7.  We keep in touch with her and her adoptive mom, seeing them every couple years.  The little boy in the second article passed away about a year and a half ago due to complications from his ailments described in the article.  But he died in the arms of his beautiful, loving adoptive parents. Nothing can replace these experiences in the life of my family.  We are better people for having spent part of our lives with these children and we are changed forever because they came into our hearts.

Last November we began the process of opening our home for school aged children but are presently taking time to discern this undertaking.  I welcome your questions about foster care for I believe there is no reason any child should not know the security of a loving family...even if just for a chapter of their childhood.  We know that we as a family are forever changed; my mom-heart is forever grateful for the part of it I gave to each child and my children are forever beautifully touched by the foster siblings they welcomed into their hearts.  We will never be the same and that is a gift!

Foster Parent Finds Grace in Letting Go

An Ambassador for Life

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...you're not paying attention

Early last month I received a comment from a student that went into my file of  "Encouraging Words". Yes, I do actually keep such a file...and I hope you do too.  The file has notes and quotes that I've collected over the years.  The words contained in the file are from students and teachers, administrators and parents, moms (of toddlers through teens) who needed a shoulder and the children of those moms, people from all walks of life with whom I have been blessed to share life's journey.  Some of you reading might have a special place in that file.  Sometimes there are physical notes and other times I pull from my journal, stories or conversations that lit my heart on fire.  Last month's message to my heart was one of that type...a fleeting comment made by a student who all too often feels misunderstood.  His comment was simple, unsolicited and from his heart during a heated moment of his own personal strife.

Before I share what he said, please reflect with me: What do you hope others have to say when they comment on time spent with you?  What words do you imagine being uttered by your students as they talk with their friends or family about how you make them feel?  Not just the studious students, but also the ones that challenge you the most. How about your co-workers?  What impact does your presence in school have on your peers?  While we are at it, consider the check-out clerk at the supermarket, the mail carrier, your neighborhood neighbors...do they experience anything noteworthy when they share a moment with you?  Every chance we are given in the company of others matters, and the comments made by others are crafted by the way they feel after spending time in your presence.

The comment this young man made was, "You remind me of Ms. ***.  She was my fifth grade teacher and she was always kind to me even when I was doing things that should have made her mad."

Now I won't tell you the teacher's name but I will tell you that this woman is someone I look up to and admire for her teaching prowess, her beautiful nature, her love of every child, and her acceptance of children even in their toughest of moments. When this student shared his impression of her and compared me to her, it was an incredible compliment bestowed on me.  And if I were to answer the questions above, it fits perfectly when I consider how I hope people feel when they leave me : that I was kind, loving, non-judgmental and unconditionally in their court.

Finally, this topic invites one more important set of questions: Assuming others keep such a folder of positive thoughts, how often do you appear in their folders as an author?  How often have you taken the time to put your thoughts on paper for someone else?  You know the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say..."?  I like to finish that with, "you aren't paying attention."  Every day folks around you are making a difference in big and small ways. Take time to notice and then let them know they touched your heart.

With our minds focused on others, I believe we will take every possible opportunity to speak the admiration that is in our hearts.  Be intentional about being the person you want others to experience and be deliberate about noticing the beauty in those around you.  Make it impossible for folks to refrain from positive comments and find it impossible to keep in what you notice about others.

 "Expressing love and kindness to others benefits them and roots us in our own happiness.", 
                          -Sakyong Mipham, Running With the Mind of Meditation