Just Because It Feels as if You Never Left, Doesn't Mean That's True

As many teachers rounded out the first full week of the new school year, through conversations both in-person and online I noticed a frustration and defeat creeping into comments and demeanor. The frustration was not with students or with curriculum, but with the self. As teachers we tend to hold ourselves to ridiculously high standards and a result is a frustration with ourselves and our perceived inability to jump right back in. Teachers I spoke with seemed to think they should be able to do so much more in this short amount of time than they were accomplishing and they seemed to believe that this new school year should already fit like a well-worn cap. I found myself imploring folks to be gentle on themselves, this ancient new direction is one that is traveled repeatedly throughout the world, yet your path with your particular crew has never before been explored!

I often need to remind myself to heed my own advice, and so in listening to my words, I was reminded of the impatience I felt with myself when my children and I moved out of our family home where we had spent most of our years together and into a brand new home and way of life. Being a creature of habit, I craved the ease with which I had parented my school-aged children from my home base for so many years.  I mean, I had it down to a science!  Kids chose lunch options the Sunday heading into the school week. Their clothing was organized on shelves and their shoes in cubbies. Hooks labeled with each child's name by the front door delineated which backpacks and sweaters hung where. It was an organized mother's dream come true. It ran like clockwork....Then we moved... To a home that is a fraction of the size and did not afford the same amount of space to organize my five school children and their teacher-mom. A new home that had not had the comfortable attribute of growing along with us, but instead into which we thrust ourselves, in full-color action, mid-school-year.  For weeks I was frustrated with my inability to get us to the point we had been before. I berated myself for not being able to provide the routine and security of control that I had been able to bestow on my children before. After all, the kids and their needs were the same. In essence, it was "as if I had never left" so why could I not get it together as I had so easily before?

And then a friend gave me a little plaque and a stone.

On the plaque were the words, "I believe in being gentle on our soul as we mend and heal our hearts" and on the stone simply the word, "Courage".

While these words might not seem like much, at the time of their gifting they had the power to jumpstart a new mindset and alter my outlook. Slow down for a moment right now. Give it a read again. Then listen to what it has to say to your teacher-soul.

"I believe in being gentle on our soul as we mend and heal our hearts"

"Courage"

Do you see it? Do you see why you might be feeling as you do during these first weeks of returning to school? While your heart may not be in need of mending and healing, it is still in a state of turmoil and change. This is stressful! Many have returned to school feeling as though we never left. Summer seems to have flown by. In the grand scheme of life as we add years to our age, those two summer months become a smaller and smaller fraction of the life we have lived.  As a result, while they lazily lingered on forever when we were children, now they run by us in a flash. We return to school and we are in the same room, using the same materials and working with the same staff. It all seems so familiar and commonplace that we cannot understand why we can't fall into the routine of ease that we left in June.

When we forget to take the time to reflect on the true passing of time, it's no wonder it seems as though we should be able to do this as if we were in this position for eight months. After all, it's not an illusion that it seems as if we never left. But think for a moment about what is different.  Not the room, building or co-workers, but instead the most important part of our job; the students!  Try to name another profession where the primary clientele arrives in droves, immediately sits looking for the person in charge to serve them, expects the leader to be on top of their game from the get-go, and then comes back the next day with the same expectations...  Add to that the fact that every interaction with every students matters, and I am certain this type of stress does not exist in any other situation. The stress we are feeling is that accompanied by the high demand to build relationship with 20, 30, 150, 300 people!  Not those at a conference who will leave us in a few days, but those in our space, silently and subconsciously demanding of us that we be there for them, today, tomorrow, the next day....

And so, please go gently on your soul!  This is all new, even if it is not. Sharing a chocolate cake with an old friend is very different from sharing it with a new love. Not better, not worse, just different. New love, while exciting and something you anticipate with joy, can be very stressful. It's a happy stress, but it is stress all the same. You feel different, you act differently, and you need to be more in tuned to making sure that sharing with that new love the next time, will feel more and more like sharing with the old friend...comfortable and familiar. That's growth! That's what we are striving for with our students. We start with all this new love in September, taking the time to cultivate relationships, and this is stressful! This is work for our hearts. But be patient!  It is a wonderful time! For this new love will fit like the most comfortable old friend in time, and it is then that you will feel at peace with the gift you have as an educator! And so over the next few weeks, keep repeating to yourself as I will be to myself; "Go gently on your soul"!

Hospitality: You Are Always Welcome Here!

If you've not seen Sebastian Maniscalco's skit about people showing up at your home unannounced in today's culture, please hit play on the clip above and laugh with me. It is widely known that regarding the Maccaroni house anyone is welcome at any time. Cars will pull up, we hear the car door, and we look to see who is coming. We have an open door policy that is understood by all who know us, and exercised freely. There are two general 'rules' to be followed if stopping by...the state you find our home in is never to be judged, and the state you find us in is always to be joined. And believe me, with our home being as well used as it is, its state can be pretty scary at times and its activity is always entertaining. As parents drop off the friends of my children, dogs are brought to see Mocha, conversation flows freely, stories are relayed and often the struggles of parenting are shared. And as students visit my teenage neighbor or are walking home from school, they shamelessly yell "Hey Ms. Macc!" and sometimes come over for a little catching up on life. It has gotten to the point that my children and I know that in order to connect to some people, we need to make sure we are home, we need to be present. It is very disappointing when we arrive home only to find a note or gift at our door, and a missed opportunity to connect with the bestower. 

And then there is my classroom. Although tucked out of the way of general school traffic, is much like my home. Students with whom I was blessed to share last year make their way to my room to say hello, catch up and seek my encouragement or help. My classroom door is always open, and anyone who stops in can be assured of joining into our current activity, discussion and antics. Sometimes I wonder if our security staff draws straws to determine who will be made to visit my classroom in the morning to collect my inter-office folder, and no doubt be dragged into our current escapade. My room is a reassuring and cheerful spot that, much like my home, is a welcoming space for people to feel safe just being themselves.

So here is my conundrum...you had to know something sinister was looming... 

This past week we had our full staff PD gatherings prior to students arriving for the school year and they prompted my reflections for this post. After reading all my descriptions above, one would think I would work the room of a full-staff meeting like a champ, making sure others are feeling welcome and comfortable just as I do at home and in my classroom. However, even with a full-fledged pep talk prior to arrival, I am incapable of exuding this same welcoming atmosphere in social settings that I do at home and in my classroom. I am not by nature one to speak up or call out to others when the circumstances dictate that this is exactly what folks are supposed to do. While walking into a crowded room, I am much happier just staying in my head as I await the speaker's presentation. When I arrive at such an event, my armor goes up and the first thing I want to do is leave. This past week, as others were greeting one another and asking about summers and such, I promptly found a seat behind some folks and put my head into my notebook. It's not that I wasn't happy to see my co-workers, I was! I am just not comfortable being 'social' in that way. So my question is this: When presented with social gatherings, where is that welcoming woman who would allow anyone to enter her home or her classroom and go to great lengths to make them feel comfortable?

And so I am putting this out there in the public realm to hold myself accountable. I am challenging myself this year. I want to find that woman in all situations to which I am called.  I believe there is a mindset shift that I need to make. The invitation into my home and classroom would fit into the category of hospitality; making others feel comfortable and inviting connection. I love to make connections! I am all about relationships and connections! But when it comes to just me in that expanse of people, I don't feel as hospitable. I don't believe this is due to not wanting others in. I believe it is a matter of not feeling I have much to offer in these situations. If you know your Bible, you would see that I am much more comfortable playing the role of Martha instead of Mary. When I feel busy, when I feel as if I have something to offer, in the case of my home or classroom this means hospitality, I am in my comfort zone. And so, after much reflection, I believe I need to shift my mindset to include what I would like to refer to as 'hospitality of self'; inviting others to interaction with me and making them feel comfortable while encouraging connection into myself. I never want to exclude others from myself with my quietness or my facial expressions, which are merely a sign of my discomfort, not disinterest. I want to know that my smile, my posture and my actions allow others to feel they are welcome into 'me'. 

One final thought.  Regarding our students, I think we need to be aware that they might also have moments where they are not feeling sharable. It is interesting as an introvert to know that while it seems perfectly acceptable for an extrovert to question the motives of an introvert; "Come on! Why don't you join in!", it is not at all acceptable for an introvert to say, "Hey can you please get out of my space and leave me alone for now?"  Yet recognizing this may be how our students are feeling is an important step in allowing them to find safety in our classrooms.  The more I think about it, that seems to be a ripe seed for a future post. For now, I want you to know that as long as you are willing to accept and participate in the state you find, you are welcome into my crazy home, into my active classroom and into my genuine self! How do you plan to challenge yourself to grow this year?

Pack Summer into Your School Bag

Usually when I sit down to write a post I have been manipulating the words in my head for a couple days, hashing out the ideas and waiting to find the time to write my thoughts down in a way so that others can appreciate their story. Other times however, I sit down to write without any idea of what I have to say. There is no script that has been running through my head. There is nothing in particular that I want to try to convey...I just watch, much as the reader does, to see where the letters go. Just a hippie with a keyboard, going with the flow. This is one of those times. And it makes sense, right?  I mean, here I am on the cusp of a new school year. Summer vacation has come to an end and now I am looking out...but I can't decide at what I am gazing. I know that my view involves a mountain, it almost always does. And I know that the mountain is representing a new beginning; that's just the feeling of summer to school year. But am I at the bottom looking at what I need to climb in order to conquer? Or am I at the top, looking at where I need to jump in order to soar? Or is my view something completely different? I suppose that all depends...

This summer was full of gifts. The gift of the mundane as my children and I enjoyed some days of nothingness. The gift of new adventures as I branched out with my PD presentations and my son embarked on his college journey. The gift of sharing myself in relationships with people who never quite knew who I was and those who know me well but love me anyway. The gift of family as we gathered to celebrated birthdays or just enjoy a meal and company. The gift of a dog new to our family yet fitting in as though she was always here. The gift of a garden that actually lived. The gift of new drums and lessons begun and endless music in our home. The list goes on and on in my journal. It was a beautiful summer as I peer behind me, the terrain was mostly level with only the occasional bump of excitement, and for that alone I am truly grateful...but as I peer ahead...

…and read the comments and lamentations regarding the passing of summer, it is all too easy to believe I am about to be forced to leave behind me all that summer brought and trade those wonderful feelings for what lies ahead in the new school year. That would make me so sad! If I adopt that mindset, I will surely go into the upcoming week of school with dread and negative anticipation for all that it will not be able to bring into my life. With all the schedules and the homework and the sports, how could the upcoming school year ever measure up to summer? It can't, if I pit one against the other. But I know that mourning the loss of summer is only for those who didn't spend the past two months in growth and true happiness; the kind of happiness that seeps into the heart and comes along for the ride filling you with anticipation for what might come next. This is not a time for endings, but a time to figure out how to bring what was wonderful into the future with you!

At the end of last school year, I decided to have students address envelops to themselves so that I could send my 'end of the year' notes to them in the mail since I had run out of time to get them to the students before the close of school. All summer those envelops beckoned me from my school bag in the corner of my dining room. They were taunting me really. As the school year fell further and further behind me, I was increasingly unmotivated to write notes to students who (in my mind's rationale) surely couldn't possibly care about receiving a note from me as they enjoyed their summer. Occasionally however, I would see a student as is the blessing of living in the town in which I teach, and he/she would ask me about the letters, proving my excuses of their apathy flawed, and stirring the taunting up again. Well, this week I finally made good on my promise of letters, but with a new spin that beautifully connects last year to this one. I mailed those envelops with letters of encouragement for the upcoming school year drawing on the growth each student made last year, as well as a coupon from me giving permission for these amazing young people to remain awesome and to reach out to me with any need at all. My procrastination ended up being a powerful tool to bridge the gap between last year and this year. These notes were a way to bring a little bit of last year's awesome into the recipe that is churning for the upcoming school year. They became a way to stir up some excitement for what lies ahead. For me, mailing them has helped me to become excited to meet the new students with whom I will build relationships that will continue beyond next summer. Each experience builds on the last and carries with it a promise for the future.

And so as I peer out over the expanse of mountain before me, I don't believe I am seeing a climb or a soar in my immediate future. I see an open path; not flat, but with hills and dips that are manageable. I see beautiful beginnings and the continued joy they can bring to our lives, if we just change the perspective that "summer is over" into "what will I do with all that summer brought into my life to enhance this new beginning?". I know I plan to bring along with me the new relationships that are blooming in my life to see how they will continue to develop and help me to grow. I will continue to cherish family and old friends. I will replace my vegetables and summer flowers with mums. I will walk my dog before and after school and hear my daughter's drums as I prepare dinner for one less child, but anticipate the new growth experienced by my college student. I will not leave summer behind, I will just find a place for what it brought into my life and let it continue to shape me into all I am intended to be. Let all the joy and growth that summer brought to you continue on to bridge the gap, just as those letters will help to pull students into confidence for a successful year ahead by reminding them they are loved by someone who watched them grow last year. Seasons of life are not meant to be left behind, but to be lived and appreciated for all the ways they shape us and help us to grow.

It's Not the Song, It's the Singer

(A video tribute to Justin Bieber from Rebecca's younger siblings.)

I had the honor of attending many amazing professional development sessions over the summer. I gathered numerous take-aways but one idea that repeatedly made an appearance was plaguing my mind. As is my way, I hashed it out until I was able to put words to what it was that was irking me. I'd like to share my journey to this realization with you. I must warn you that the journey will include an obsession with Justin Bieber and how his singing of "Happy Birthday" moving my daughter to tears must find a way into your teaching persona. I understand if you want to abandon ship now...as a mom of four daughters I am Bieber-ed out myself... but if you stay the course, your outlook on teaching will be better for having benefitted from the experience of my journey.

As teachers we are repeatedly challenged to make our lessons exciting and capture the attention of our students. We are competing with Social Media and video games that allow children to experience constant and instant feedback, pseudo relationships and conversation, and fun in whatever capacity suits the child. In one PD session that I led, the pressure to make every single lesson 'super-exciting' was a source of true frustration. New teachers were feeling stress over how to create lessons that were filled with excitement and enthusiasm at every turn of the school-year. How can we compete with what children are accustomed to in Fortnite when we have fractions, Punnett Squares and proper grammar instead of New Skins and Flossing?

And so, this concept was my wrestling opponent throughout the summer. I spent a lot of time trying to pin down the reason behind the happiness of my students vs. my lesson planning. I thought I was defeated in this match as I moved through the summer without success in finding answers for these teachers. In looking at my lessons...lessons spanning all academic core areas...I tried to figure out what the secret was that kept my students happily walking through my classroom door. In perusing my plans it became clear that my lessons, while interspersed with out-of-your-seat hands-on fun, are not all that exciting in the day-to-day. Our students deserve lessons that are engaging. Yes! They deserve lessons that challenge and teach. Of course! We can do this with hands-on activities, various student positioning and alternatives to worksheets, and we should.  But if I am a classroom teacher teaching everything from spelling to writing to reading to math, how can I possibly be expected to make every lesson exciting?  What I was hearing from fellow teachers was that this expectation can be downright defeating. In my reflection, I came to the realization that not every lesson I teach is exciting, and yet my students arrive each day smiling and eager to enter our classroom.  Why?

If you've hung on here this long with me and are wondering where JB fits in, don't worry. He's about to make his appearance and answer all of these concerns about exciting classroom teaching at the same time. To do so, we need to take a peek into my daughter's obsession. For years Rebecca had an infatuation with Justin Bieber. His lyrics coated her walls and books, his music filled her ears, and his tattooed torso was on display all around her room, even behind the clothing that hung in her closet. To Rebecca, he was amazing! We watched movies, read articles and sang along with him, even in Spanish.  At one time, she declared she could never go to his concert because, "I would just die!"  You get the picture. In her mind, he was a hero. You know what else he could apparently do better than anyone?  Sing that ubiquitous song, "Happy Birthday".  Two years in a row Rebecca's older brother Max, had JB serenade Rebecca on her birthday to tears of joy. Wait...what?  That same old song?!?!  We sang it to her many times - no tears. Bieber begins crooning in his breathy voice and all of a sudden the same song has her heart all aflutter and tears streaming down her face. Again I ask, Why?

But I don't really need to ask, do I?  You see it now, don't you?  It's not the song, it's the singer. It's not the lesson, it's the teacher. My students don't come to my room each day smiling because they might learn about integers or subject-verb agreement or Constitutional Amendments.  They come in smiling because I have connected with them and they know that whatever we do together, today will be exciting because we will have fun, we will laugh, we will solve personal problems, we will enjoy our safe environment and we will grow together in relationship. I will "sing" to them in a voice that tells them they are special and I love them. And yes, some days our work will be done with underwear outside our clothing to drive home the lesson of Order of Operations, but not everyday. And while this is not permission to neglect creating exciting ways to deliver your material, the out-of-the-ordinary doesn't need to be daily when you just enjoy the people with whom you are spending that time. True, there are no tears of joy streaming down the faces of my students as we hash out revisions to our essays. But when students are connected to us because we have taken the time to become 'that' teacher, even the mundane can be a source of joy and excitement in the classroom.

Am I a Little Too...Me? The World Needs Your 'You-ness'!

We've all heard the wellness warning that "One can't pour from an empty vessel." That sentiment is incredibly important but I'd like to posit that while it is true that you cannot pour from your cup if you allow it to go dry, you have no choice but to freely give from the surplus of your deep and abundant well. You hold your 'you-ness' in a well that cannot help but be full of you at all times. It is your essence! In fact, anyone who comes into your life will be generously showered with the contents of your well just by being near you. That's the beauty of your 'you-ness'.  So what are the contents of your well?  That's what we will hope to find out in the next few lines. This is one message that I hope to pass along to my students when I meet them in a couple weeks...and it is one we can all stand to remember each day we are called to be alive.

See that picture?  That's me trying to enjoy an afternoon summertime snooze.  See my blanket?  That is the newest Maccaroni dog, Mocha.  Mocha likes to be close...that is the gift she gives to my house full of prickly teenagers. She doesn't worry about how her desire to be close might affect the target, she just spends her time being uniquely and beautifully Mocha. Her desire and the ensuing gift she bestows come without thought, without provocation and without cost. It is just who she is, and anyone who is willing to be in her vicinity becomes the receiver of her 'Mocha-ness'. When was the last time you gave of yourself without worry as to how you would be perceived? I think we would be wise to adopt the abandon with which dogs give from their well...they don't concern themselves with how their gift will be viewed. They live in the notion that their gift is necessary and the happiness of receiving will mirror the happiness they feel in the gifting. That is pure freedom to be oneself.

So what's in your well? How does its contents affect those with whom you come in contact? And are you able to give without concern for how others will perceive your intentions? I invite you to arrive at your answers by following my journey into the topic. I imagine, and sometimes allow myself the luxury of worry over the fact that I can be a little overwhelming to some people who are not accustomed to my ways. My longtime friends get 'me', but those newly introduced into the vicinity of 'Donna-ness' might not. My 'me' openly enjoys the chance to tell someone, especially students and co-workers, when I notice them do something amazing or even just on a regular day, how awesome I believe them to be. I simply can't help myself. I'm known to gush, leave packages and send little "love notes" throughout the day. To do so makes my heart sing! This is the abundance of my well. Do I sometimes question how I will be perceived? Daily would not be an understatement! But I can't be any less me because of my concern over what might be in the minds of others. I do not, and cannot, control how I am perceived.

And so, here it is...after much deliberation and self-reflection, I have decided that I am exactly who I was intended to be. I am Donna, Lover of Life, Giver of Love and Master of Giving. Accepting that this is who I am helps me to rest easier, as it guides me to believe and accept that the people put in my path need to experience what I have to offer from my well. I truly believe there are no coincidences as to the people brought along our journey, only blessings to be sought. It is up to us to figure out why we were called into each life that crosses our path.  And so on those days when I feel that 'me being me' might be a little too much for those around me, I remind myself that no one will be made to cross my path if they were not intended to experience a little bit of 'Donna-ness'. Overwhelming as I may be, my well is full of something that others need. Reminding myself in this way, I rest easily, knowing that I tried to be part of the love that needs to be inflicted on this world in monumental amounts.

Check out this quote by Mark Twain: "Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."  Yes!!!  We have much work to do in being uniquely us right where we are planted!  And we have in abundance everything we need to affect others with our uniqueness at every turn of the day.

And so I end this post with a challenge disguised as a few reflection questions. I implore you to spend a little time ruminating on the possibilities suggested by these inquiries. I can't wait to discuss this message with the students with whom I will be blessed to spend the upcoming school year and help each of them determine the contents of their wells and explore the beauty of sharing themselves.

• What is in your well?  What is it that you have in abundance and are called to give with abandon? 

• What are the folks who cross your path in need of receiving?  What are you called to receive from them? 

We need to continually ask these questions in order to allow ourselves to be all we are intended to be. We also need to steer ourselves clear of the questioning that leads to discomfort regarding our generosity of self. A dear friend of mine always warned me about staying out of the heads of others trying to figure out what they were thinking and how they were perceiving me....he would constantly remind me that it is not my role or my job to determine what they were thinking about me.  My job is to be me, as yours is to be you.  BE YOU BEAUTIFULLY, FULLY AND AWESOMELY!  No one else can do you!!! And if that means totally crawling up into the space of others to "help" them get an awesome summertime nap by impersonating a blanket, then give that gift with complete and utter abandon!

Advice on Taking Advice

I mulled the topic of this post for over a week before allowing myself time with it at the keyboard.  The title ran the gamut and ended at the one you see above.  It is a much milder nomenclature than originally considered.  Had I written immediately, I would have wanted to prove a point, but since I am not a point prover and never have aspired to be one, I must at times, allow myself pause to collect my thoughts. Only then am I able to take them apart again, laying them down gently so that the reading audience can assemble them into a personalized meaningful recipe for growth and encouragement. 

As one who often prefers my little cave of a classroom at the very end of our school building so as to not offend or intrude on the thoughts of others, in the past I tended to keep my ideas about what others have to say to myself. However, since my inception into the world of Twitter, I have felt encouraged to share my thoughts as I have come across some very amazing individuals willing to bestow their best practices, ideas and advice on anyone who has a spare 15 seconds in which to read 140 characters. Just 140 little characters, spaces included, and yet, room for advice; wonderful or detrimental, as the case may be. 

Allow me to digress for one more moment in order to construct the scene necessary. When we go on-line to make a purchase, we usually have the option of reading reviews of the item in question, helping us to make informed decisions as to whether or not the item will meet our needs.  Will it fulfill for us the necessary purpose? Is it well constructed? Will it come packaged in a way that protects its integrity?...etc...  I have said more than once to my children as we read reviews on-line, that we need to accept the reviews of others carefully, knowing that some of the words are written by people from whom we would not normally seek advice. (Taking you a step further into my humor regarding discernment, I usually say something to the effect of, "This review might have been written by the nose-picker standing behind you at Target." Crude, perhaps, but the message is clear.) I admonish them to read the reviews, yes, but then decide for yourself whether or not that person's views have a right to be strongly considered in your discernment process over this item. 

And so it is with advice about life. When we go on-line to read the quotes, stories and advice of others, we must do so with a discerning mind. Not everything will suit your needs at any one time in your life. Not everyone has a right to have their words take a meaningful position in your life. And so it was with the impetus for this post.  When asked for advice for a brand new teacher, many kind and encouraging words were delivered. And then there was this:

"Only give 80% of yourself everyday.  If you give 100%, you will burn out in 3 years."

That was followed-up with:

"Never give your lunchtime away to your students. That is your time."

OK, I was able to effectively and kindly respond to the second comment by suggesting that "if giving your lunch away", otherwise known as enjoying lunch with your students, in order to build relationship with them works for you, then you go for it!  But regarding that first gem, I forced myself to refrain.  Not because I believed it to be true, but because every single response I typed out was snarky, tainted in sarcasm and laced with 'please find a new profession'.  There was no way to gently dance around the fact that I am thankful its author is not my child's teacher...or a brain surgeon or a brake specialist...you get the point. She is attempting to give advice to a new teacher, the builder of our future, by suggesting she NOT give the molding of young minds everything she's got.  She went on to cite someone who has apparently made it his goal to explain why it is important in teaching to not give 100%. I know I should have watched his video, and perhaps I will after posting this, but first I wanted to live with the face value of her advice for a while.

And so in the end, I know I was still a little snarky...I tried. But I hope this post is a reminder that we need to seek advice of others. We need to learn from each other. We need to be confident that others can learn from us and we have something of value to share. And in the end, we need to discern and be deliberate about the advice we allow to seep into our hearts. It is not all good and some of it is delivered by the "nose-picker". I can hear my youngest daughter telling me, "Mom, not all nose-pickers are bad.", and that is true. But nose-pickers should not be giving advice about public manners any more than teachers who do not wish to give their all every single day to their students (by first giving 100% to their own well-being) should be giving advice to teachers new to the profession.

Loving the Vulnerable...Fearless Mindfulness (baby follow-up)

As is often the case with the foster care experience, babies have a way of bringing folks together, piquing interest and informing the masses...all from their position of pure vulnerability.  Isn't it interesting that a helpless baby could teach so many without even trying?  The lessons babies teach are endless, but one of the main lessons we have to garner from the innocent is that of mindfully living in this moment right now.

First, an update regarding Wednesday's post. The little baby with whom we were preparing to possibly share our home was sent from the hospital on Friday to begin his life with his adoptive parents. That is miraculous and heartbreaking news, depending on which role one plays in the script, as you read on Wednesday. (Post: The Story We Must Consider: opioid addicted babies )As for my children and me, disappointed yet grateful, we packed our baby items away for the next time we are called to possibly provide a haven for a child. The items have their own little corner of our home, subtle reminders of the service we are ready to provide, sometimes with weeks worth of notice, other times with merely a day or two to prepare.  And so for us, that willingness to alter our family life in order to welcome an infant house guest reminds us we are to always be mindful.  This lesson is one we need to constantly consider, and where this post is about to bring you and me.

I have always thought that being an "on-call" EMT would be an amazing way to give service to others.  However, knowing my need for being planful, I could never bring myself to wear that beeper.  It would be impossible for me to function knowing that I could be called at any moment to switch gears and move into rescue mode. I admire the people who are able to help others in this way. This is the ultimate "living in the moment" service. Still, knowing that about myself, it is interesting that I would instead choose infant foster care for my preferred method of giving back. But even though it has its share of surprises and certainly lends itself to surrender of self and plans, being a foster family teaches my children and me to be mindful in other ways. Babies have no choice but to live in the moment. When they are hungry, they cry; tired, they sleep; happy, they smile.  There is no waiting until they get to the restaurant, crib or appropriate venue. But their lesson in mindfulness doesn't come merely from their "in the moment' example, it comes from what they unpretentiously demand of us.

Being mindful does not necessarily mean that I allow myself to enter into unpleasant situations and then attempt to find my comfort zone. Though sometimes that may be the case, being mindful often takes a step back and looks at the situation ahead of time. If the situation is one that will make me uncomfortable, and there is a way to avoid it, my mindfulness in that moment prior to the situation is where I need to act. This is one of those points that I feel so strongly, yet struggle for adequate words to explain, and so I'll try with an example:

Often my run is intended to bring me peace and alone time.  Unlike many individuals, I enjoy the monotony of lapping the track. I don't need to think about where I'm going, I don't need to monitor my time or distance, I need only run.  However, if I arrive at the track and it is already occupied, I know that I will not be able to enjoy my run in the same way and so I go elsewhere. My mindful moment is in that time beforehand, that thought process that knows me well enough to know what I need. Some might say that I should withstand the sharing of the track and in doing so, that is where true mindfulness is demonstrated: finding oneself in an uncomfortable moment and successfully pushing through. While I would agree that too is being mindful, there is wisdom in knowing what it is that I need at any given moment, and there is no valor in choosing the opposite.

You see, as babies teach us, being mindful is not defined by looking for the uncomfortable and proving we can persevere. Mindfulness is persevering in the way that brings awareness of the self and others to the forefront of the mind. It is not a judgement on the self or others, but an acceptance of the circumstances as they are presented. And so it was this week for me, my children, and those of you who shared the story of this baby and his family. You and I became mindful together as we allowed ourselves to love those suffering through the reality of infant addiction, foster care and adoption. The feelings that were stirred were uncomfortable, disturbing and more easily left for others to consider. But we entered anyway. When I read about what withdrawal entails for these babies, I cried.  But I read more anyway. I hope you did too. In many ways, I know this seems contradictory to my track example. If we know it will make us uncomfortable, according to my example above, we should retreat and find a new place to "run".  However, this IS our track.  This IS our world.  We are already here, whether we like it or not. And so, gaining awareness IS being mindful in our world.  I believe that by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to the pain of others, by allowing ourselves to persevere in being mindful in our world, and by allowing ourselves to love the vulnerable, we will grow.  Then, and only then, will we be able to affect positive change in the circumstances surrounding those involved.

And so, consider his lesson: that baby, undoubtedly waking in the middle of the night, needing loving arms that might not be able to calm him, but will in time be able to assure him of his safety, is the ultimate teacher of mindfulness.  In that moment, when the parent most wants sleep, he/she must look at that baby, live in that moment, and simply love with all the parental heart can muster. Do we all prefer things could be different for him? of course.  But knowing they are not and knowing we are able to endure for others what we would prefer to avoid, we enter the crowded track and "run", making our way, foregoing the desired monotony of everyday simple living, in order to love those put in our path.  A Lesson in Mindfulness...absolutely!  Thank you for sharing it with me!  You are now a part of his story.  He will never know it, but you are different because of him.  How amazing!