Just Pour the Juice First...

When they were little I always would mix juice with water in the little sippy cups my children used. My daughter went through a phase that felt like forever, but like so many of their little idiosyncrasies and short term habits, somehow faded away into our memories without my knowing it was even over. During this juncture in her little life, she would watch me prepare her drink and insist that I pour the juice into the cup before the water. Try as I might to convince her that the end product would taste the same regardless of the order in which the liquids entered, she was adamant that I should follow her directive.  If I didn't because it seemed easier to grab the water first, and you know this only happened once since I am a quick learner, there was hell to pay in the form of tears and tantrum beyond any reasonable response to such perceived malice. Why???  I will never know. But what I do know now as clearly as I knew it then, is that in her mind, in her heart, and in her reality, this order of operations was imperative for her world to feel organized and manageable at that particular moment in time, and she was willing to do everything in her power to make sure it was executed properly.

Did it make a difference in the end? That depends on how the 'end' is defined. Is the end defined as the final drink's solution that was ultimately in her cup? If so, then no, it didn't matter. You and I both know, and even she would now agree, that the order would not have changed the cup's solution. If given a taste test, whether the water or juice was the first substance to enter the cup, she would not have been able to delineate the difference. But if the 'end' is to be defined as the outcome of her perceptions with regard to her mom's acceptance of her as an important human being, then yes it matters immensely that her desires and needs were honored. This little person's sense of safety and control were wrapped up in this moment and the outcome was her feeling as though she had a voice. How I treated her in this moment let her know that she mattered and that she was more important to me than the ease with which I was able to prepare her drink. Her self-worth and significance were determined by my actions and ability to allow her to have control over me at that moment.

I have had an incredible amount of verbal and written interaction with folks over the past week. People have been reaching out looking for connection, encouragement and validation of feelings that to them seem unfounded at times and understated at others. We have found ourselves in the midst of a new experience, and we don't only not know how to make it right, we don't know how we should feel about it, whom we should believe, and how we can manage the unknown. The certitude is that we have feelings...whatever they are, and those feelings change by the moment, by the input of information and by the severity with which we are faced with the reality at hand. Having a common experience will do that to people. We are, after all, social beings; swept up in the crowd and often looking to others in order to feel we are doing it right, whatever 'it' is.

People want to know how my children are managing, how I am handling the switch to digital teaching, and how I am helping my children to deal with the anxiety of the moment. Much of the time I am able to muster a response that does not betray my fear and personal struggle. I figure this is what people are seeking. They want to know that it is possible to stay positive. When they witness my optimism, it gives them hope that it is possible that they too can remain optimistic. And truly, I believe it is. But someone recently asked me to share the rest of my story. The story that I share only with those I know will understand that what I am saying is just a little blip in my screen. The story that includes my fears for my asthmatic daughter, the sadness for my physically and emotionally hungry students and the anger with those who are unwilling to understand that it's a small price to pay; staying inside as much as possible and sharing resources in a culture that is accustomed to overabundance of time, material items and entertainment. These past few days have highlighted for me just how selfish so much of our culture has become. So many, many more than I realized, are unable to look past their noses to see that others might need resources, others might need us to self-regulate and sacrifice, others might need us to just pour the damn juice first.

If pouring the juice first was enough to settle my little one's mind, make her feel safe and secure in my devotion to her and help her to right her little world, then that was what I was willing to do. And I will state this here...I am willing to do the same for you. All of you. Whether or not I know you. Whether or not you are a person who is in my life physically or here on-line. I will pour the juice first. I will keep my brood inside and isolated. I will purchase only what my family absolutely needs to get by for the moment. And if you need any of that, we will figure out how to share it with you and make do without it. Because that is what it means to be a friend, to be loving, to be generous and to be human.

For you, I will pour the juice first.  Will you do the same for others?

Here is the Permission We All Deserve

How's this? You just got strapped into the car of a roller coaster that you've never laid eyes upon until this very moment. The realization that there is no getting out has set in as the train makes its way to a peak you are unable to see. You are surrounded by everyone who is simultaneously experiencing the same inexplicable panic and dread, yet you are drastically, tragically and unequivocally alone.

Or try this one on...You are expected to learn a new language that you will use during the next two weeks, maybe four, maybe more...you don't know. At the same time, you are learning to snowboard, scuba dive and fly a plane; the equipment unfamiliar and weighing you down, the instructions for each activity a jumble in your brain. Add to that the need to grieve the loss of a friendship you've known throughout your existence, the one who made life seem normal and bearable no matter what.

These and other metaphorical scenarios have been entering and exiting my mind at lightening speed. Perhaps metaphors are just my way of dealing with the overwhelming feeling of not being able to control my surroundings, for me and for my children. Perhaps these ideas are the product of sharing this experience with my five, unique children and their varying coping methods. Regardless, within a week's timeframe, all of us, no one is exempt, have been thrust into this new unknown while being asked to find ways to use information and equipment that is unfamiliar and foreign. As parents and educators, certitude is difficult to muster. We struggle with wanting to assure our children even as we are feeling overwhelmed, overdrawn and uncertain.

So what is the solution? Well, I am sure I don't know the answer to that. But I do know the following... and it's more about accepting permission than seeking solution...

We are all best to take a step back and assess for ourselves what we need at this moment right now. I wish that we could all take a moment to grieve the loss of our norm before we try to gather information in order to jump into switching gears. By this I mean, we need to stop...feel...experience that which is being asked of us. Even those self-proclaimed introverts are feeling the isolationist tempo and perhaps needing to gasp for a little air. It's hard for all of us. It's OK!

In all of this, please keep in mind that we are not supposed to be readily amenable when someone or something suddenly changes the rules of the game. Anger, frustration, fear, sadness, you name it...these are all acceptable responses to our current situation. Each time the rules change, which seems to be every time we turn around, we need to take a moment to process, ascertain the best path, and figure out how those new rules are best applied to our personal story. Only then can we take the time needed in order to heed the new way we are called to serve others and allow our humanity to shine through.

Here's what I do know...we can do this...we will do this...and we will be able to endure this...if only we take the time to look at it, absorb it and accept it each step of the way. Slow down..stay safe...be gentle on your soul.

Embracing Our Temporary Normal

I wasn't going to write today. Another post about this unfathomable reality we have been thrust into seems redundant. But as hard as it is for me to wrap my head around so much of what the past few days have offered, I've had people asking me to share my thoughts, and so here I am. Seems some find my ideas, perspectives and optimism comforting. Someone actually said to me, "I was trying to channel my inner Donna Macc". Haha! Love it! But with that in mind, I think I should start with a few confessions:

1. I left my classroom in tears yesterday, turning out the light on my weekly vocabulary, student folders and 'notes for tomorrow', knowing my tomorrows are going to be drastically different for at least four weeks.

2. I am completely frustrated by the fact that the very kids who need me to reassure them, will not be in my space for way too long.

3. I hate that we have to stay away from school.

4. I am sad.

With all that being stated, I will also say that I completely understand why things have to be the way they are. I keep bringing myself back to the reality which tells me that separating us from those situations that will allow this pest to fester is imperative and unavoidable. I get it. I agree with it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

So I'm sitting here trying to understand all the feelings inside of me this morning. I gave myself last night off from thinking about it, knowing that today I would attempt to tackle the emotions that are all confused in my heart in order to move forward in this new and temporary normal. The realist that knows what I stated in the paragraph above, is pragmatic and can accept we need to do what we need to do. But the part of me that is absurdly enamored with my students and my work is finding that embracing all this time away from them, even though it means more time with my own beautiful children, is extremely troubled. As I look outside on this beautiful morning, I think of all the time I will miss, time that I feel I am entitled to spend with the students on my roster this year. Entitled...yes, that's the right word. They are mine and I am theirs and this is not how we are meant to share our journey. Or is it???

OK, so maybe I am getting to something here. What is the lesson in all of this for all of us? Because as someone who is not prone to believing in coincidences, I must find a way to understand that this is the very journey these students and I were intended to share. Hmmm...so what of it, then? Perhaps the ability I have, is that of teaching them that even something like this can't get in the way of my dedication to them. Over the past two weeks, there were four Professional Development opportunities I was supposed to deliver that were canceled. Anyone who knows me and the ridiculous planner that I am, knows I have all the materials for each of them stocked up in my PD bags. Perhaps I can use these to keep my students feeling my love for them even in our necessary absence from each other. "Letters for a Year of Gratitude" and "You're Awesome" pop-open cards are where I will start. Love notes to my students will be in the mail before the day's end. Thank you! I feel a bit better already!

Look, I'm not going to lie. I look out the window at this beautiful day and I start to tear up because I think of how much my students love to go outside to throw the football, something I know they don't do on their own time. I look at the textbooks and novels we share and the heaviness in my heart overwhelms me as I consider that, without the gift of our physical presence to each other, my students will struggle to find meaning in the virtual lessons planned for them. I look at my own children who will get to (be forced to) go hiking, to the beach, to the park, anything outside, while my students might not get to do much more than stare blankly at a screen. My heart hurts. But it is my journey with them. And after this reflection, I know that I intend to infiltrate their isolation and let them know that Ms. Macc. is still here for them, still learning with them, and still looking forward to what our journey has to offer.

Share Laughter, Not Worry: read at your own risk

Written several weeks ago, but withheld from publishing until I could reread it to make sure I really wanted to put it out there. Perhaps it just needed to be saved for a time when the world is worried and preoccupied...to give us a chance to laugh a little.

I wasn't going to write this post. It's really not at all what this blog is about. It really is imprudent since the next few minutes you spend reading might end up feeling like squandered time. But I really can't help myself. There is nothing to be learned here, no new insights, no reflection on children or education or best practice. Nothing of value whatsoever. In fact, this is the first time I am posting with the simple thought in mind that sometimes we just need to have some fun. But don't worry, I am not going over the deep end of absurdity and I am not breaking out of my regular personality. Quite the opposite, really. This post is so me that I really couldn't help but be here in front of you. But if you don't feel as though you have five minutes to spend on frivolous optimism, you might want to move along. Go ahead, I'm not insulted. I'll see you next week when we do more educational type stuff together.

If you've decided to stay, but are not in the mood for a little mindless humor...you know, real-time gotta-just-laugh-at-what-life-brings-sometimes kind of humor, you can go ahead and join those that left in the previous paragraph. I get it. I'm not always in the mood to laugh at life and beg for more of what it has to serve. 

And if you're still here, this is your final warning: This post contains a huge spider cricket, some indoor dog poop and ridiculous optimism that just comes naturally but is so incredibly annoying to many, that they might want to shove me when next we meet...I'll be waiting to see if my hallway neighbor read this one. :) And so, for those of you still here and in need of a break from news of the corona virus and all its fanfare:

A Short Reflection on Spider Crickets and Puppy Poop...

Late last night as I was brushing my teeth, there was a huge cricket in the bathroom. I am not one to flinch at bugs, unless they are on the ceiling above my head...that gets to me. (I just checked. Did you?) But I'm talking about a Spider Cricket, also known as Camelback Crickets. These are not "get a tissue" crickets. They are more like, "get the hammer" crickets. So there I was, brushing away, keeping one eye on that monster cricket, when Mocha, our dog, came in and started to play with the cricket. Let me repeat, those things are ginormous and jump farther than one would expect! Look up a video if you're not familiar. And so while I brushed, Mocha, in her puppy playfulness, played with the cricket. As I rinsed, she picked it up and tossed it to the point that it was laying on it's side. It clearly appeared dead and so I picked it up and put in in the toilet, closing the lid and flushing as I left the bathroom before proceeding to get into bed.

This is where I would normally stop my oration to invite my students to make predictions...go ahead...see if you know where this is going. I'll wait...……………...

So....when I awoke this morning I went into the bathroom to do what people do in the bathroom.  As soon as I walked in, I knew something was wrong...the smell was familiar in this house of "puppy".  Mocha has gotten better, but she must have had a hard time making it through the night because she left a pile of poop in the middle of the bathroom floor. And so, instead of blindly doing what people do in the bathroom in the morning, I instead, blindly lifted the lid to dump in what puppies do in the bathroom in the middle of the night. No sooner did I make the deposit that the cricket, remember the cricket?...let itself be known by jumping up at me.

Now, I know you are likely wondering what the hell I am going on about and why. Well, here it is.  My first thought was, "Thank God Mocha pooped in the bathroom!"  Wait. What? Yes!!! If Mocha hadn't done what she had done in the bathroom in the night, I would have gone to do what people do in the bathroom in the morning, and might have had a different feeling (quite literally) about spider crickets!  But you see, it doesn't end at gratitude for Mocha's indiscretion. I am even grateful for the cricket. Why? Because due to the cricket suprising me and making me jump and then laugh this morning, I was not as annoyed with the dog as I would have otherwise been. In fact, I was grateful to her. 

In the end, I took this as a sign to go ahead and take some chances. As a result, I had a wonderful meeting with a friend in the aisle at Wegmans, I had the blessed opportunity to help an elderly man find his car in the parking lot, and I had a wonderful spontaneous outing to Barnes and Noble with one of my favorite people...all because of this morning's happenings giving me the go-ahead to take control of the day...I mean really, how much worse could it have gotten?

There is always something for which to be grateful! Sometimes you just have to think through things differently to find it, but it is there, of that I am certain! Thanks for reading! Find the positive in everything you do today and all week...it is there. In the stress, in the fatigue, in the you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me moments, it is there! Even in the news...think about it...look how much we are all connected to each other all over the world!! That's an amazing gift! Give optimism a try...it's just a perspective change away. 

Paying Attention to the Present Moment Gives a Glimpse Into the Future

I've always marveled at how the journey of today leads to the path of tomorrow. I often spend time talking with my students about how the present moment is the most important predictor of the future. This holds true for children as well as adults, and so I heed my own words as well. When we take the time to think back to the milestones in life, more often than not, there were many strokes that painted the picture we enjoy at completion. Years of study to attain a degree. Building a savings to buy a home. Rolling and crawling in order to stand. Things don't just happen. Each time we achieve something, if we take the time to glance back, we see that these accomplishments, these milestones, took effort, discipline and time. Taking it one step further, I'd like to posit that if we pay attention to the present moment, really drinking it in for all that it offers, we can catch a glimpse into the promise of our future.

A case in point is the humble structure that my children and I call home. During my married years, I would drive past this house on my way to retrieve my children from the school where they attended 4th, 5th and  6th grade. As we would pass I'd comment about the house to my children, admiring it's white concreate outer walls and deep green shutters. I would contemplate the yard and imagine how much my children would love to call such a park-like scene, home. When divorce was imminent and my soon-to-be ex-husband made it clear he had no intention of leaving the marital home, the kids and I set out to find a new home for us. It was October of my first year back to full-time teaching. It was with trepidation yet determination that we set our sights on finding our new nest to house our new normal. No sooner did we begin our search that this house, the one we had admired for years, went up for sale. When we had the chance to go inside, we immediately felt at home. We still went to visit three other properties, but we all agreed that this home was for us. This level of unanimous agreement is unprecedented! We can't even agree on pizza toppings. So what was it that called us so clearly to our new home? I believe it was the familiarity that was cultivated driving by this house all those years. All those strokes on the canvas helped us to recognize it as our home when it was time for us to begin this new journey. 

The availability of this house and the agreement among my children and me that it felt like home, solidified for me what I had always manipulated in my head. The basic premise is this: without us knowing, without us playing a deliberate part, if we are attuned to the events that make up our everyday life, hints are given and subtleties are provided that prepare us for the next steps we will encounter so that we can feel ready to leap when necessary. I am a firm believer in the idea that people and places are put in our path for a reason. There are absolutely no coincidences. Furthermore, I believe we are given sneak previews of those things to come, if only we pay attention. And then when it becomes necessary, our eyes are opened to a new perspective, revealing to us for the first time something we have been seeing for years. 

Sometimes we lament monotony in the cycles of life, but perhaps the monotony is there so that the new things we need to encounter are not so overwhelming as to paralyze us from moving forward when they are revealed. As such, we need to pay attention and soak in all that life sends our way, during the excitement as well as the tedium. Where do you need to pay more attention? Are you missing the signs of something tremendous that is awaiting your attention? Is it time for you to take a leap that is really just a step away? If you are feeling that things are totally alien, unfamiliarly frightening, or sneaking up on you, that is a sign that you might need to pay closer attention to the monotony. What are you overlooking? What strokes have already adorned the canvas of your future? This moment, right now, will shape your future-self in such a way that you can become a better person because of it, if only you pay attention.

I Love Teens: Judgement, Acceptance, and Perception

I attended a gathering of high school students and parents last week. My daughter is part of an amazing educational experience called Teen Pep, through which she and her peers teach younger high school kids about the realities of sex, drugs and safety. At this gathering, the group was discussing teens' ability to talk to their parents about private, intimate, typically uncomfortable matters. The teens in attendance were split on whether or not they communicate freely with their parents when they have questions about sex, drugs and other problems. However, whether or not they were able to communicate consistently, there was a common thread regarding the teens' discernment processes regarding whether or not to open up to their parents. On the occasion when they did not feel comfortable sharing with their parents, the reason was distinctly the same: fear of their parents passing judgement.

OUCH! This struck a chord in me since just the day before my daughter and I had a conversation, an intense conversation, that included these very accusations. She read a message in my "look", one I never meant to convey and I don't even think I was feeling, but the reality was there for her all the same. Her perception was one of negativity. Her perception was one of me questioning her character. She was hurt. She felt unaccepted. She was sure I was judging her. Was I? I don't believe so. However, now that some time has passed, I can understand why she believed I was. Let's take a look. 

But first...

Here is a video of my children about four years ago. The daughter mentioned above is behind the camera. Her three younger sisters are about 7, 10 and 11 at the time of recording. If you have children, you can recall and reminisce about the days when they were younger. In their mind and yours, you were their biggest fan. They would produce a video, a picture, a paragraph; heck, a sneeze; and look to you for your approval. And they always found it. Why? Because their perception was that, of course you would love anything they did. The fact that they assumed you would was not the point then, but it is precisely what is missing now that they are older. Back then, they just assumed your reaction to them would be positive because, well, why wouldn't it be? They were your awesome children, the very product of yourself, and that knowledge was enough for them to feel judged only on the basis of your unconditional love.

So what changes as they get older? The judgement? The approval? The disapproval? Their perception? The rules of the game?

The answer to all of these questions, I believe, is "Yes".  

Unwittingly or not, as our children grow through adolescence, our relationship changes. True, all those years of building a relationship when they were little is a guiding force during adolescence. But before pre-adolescence, they are still a part of us. As much as the nose on our face or that extra inch on our waist, they are a part of something larger, accepted for all of their perceived flaws or attractions. They know they are perfectly ours and they don't question our approval of them. 

When children grow through adolescence, anyone will tell you, it is a turbulent time. This is not good or bad. It just is. Why is this fact so strikingly true? Because they are pulling away from us, yanking really, right off our very selves in order to become a separate, individual, independent being. No longer a part of the parent, they now see themselves differently. Sometimes this feels liberating and at other times (maybe only a minute later), it feels frighteningly vulnerable. No longer a part of us, they notice our judgement on their actions, their utterances and their choices. While we may have always been judging situations of our children, with their new perspective, their new position unattached from us, they experience our viewpoint very differently.

But that is another distinction worth noting. Read that last sentence above again.  We "have always been judging situations"...they used to know that. When I exclaimed my delight about Pink Fluffy Unicorns, I wasn't in any way judging the individuals. I was judging their creativity, their enthusiasm and their ability to be silly.  But not them. Neither am I doing so now when my daughter comes to me to express herself, ask questions or point fingers. I am not judging the person, but that is exactly what the person believes is happening. I don't know about you, but I know that judging my children is not for me to do any more than I judge you, or my students, or my family, or my friends. It is not up to me to judge, but to be with people where they are. It is, however, up to me to look at a situation, mull it in my mind, and let my teens know my thoughts.

So how do we let them know we are not here to pass judgement on them? How do we become the person they know they can talk to no matter what it is they have to tell us? How do we reopen the lines of communication and trust that ran so readily just a few years ago? Patience...Unconditional Love...Trusting Them With Our Uncertainties...Freely Giving Our Acceptance...Talking Candidly With Them and Their Friends...Doing all that we can to remind them that we are here to listen to them, to guide them, to accept them and to catch them when they fall. We are still, and always will be, their biggest fan.

Mom! Why? What if...???

Any parent will tell you that there are times when the needs of children become overwhelming.  Some words and questions are heard over and over, hundreds of times in a day. I am here to tell you, there are remedies...but there are also good reasons to allow the words and questions to be repeated. 

When the kids were little and I was home with them, there were days when the incessant "Mom. Mom? MOM!!!" would get to the point of being intolerable. If I had to hear "Mom?!" one more time, I thought I might scream. Luckily, "Mom" overuse was easily fixed with humor. I would simply declare that my name was Fred. If the kids needed me, they were expected to call me Fred since that was the only name to which I would respond for however long I needed to regroup. The ensuing giggling alone was like salve to my mind, alleviating the stress and helping us move forward with our day. By the way, this was done at home as well as when we were out and about. Occasionally the moniker was rewarded with an incredulous look from a fellow shopper or a chuckle from an amused cashier. Just icing on the cake!

The second most overly used word in my home environment was "Why?" Why? was much less frequently squashed, mainly because my curious nature and my desire to nurture thinkers and questioners drove me to feel torn between the need for silence and the desire to invite opportunities to teach. There were certainly times when I absolutely needed to declare a "No Why Zone" in order to maintain my sanity.  I just could not endure another Why? This was never done lightly or without consideration for the consequences of silencing curiosity. Why, you may ask? haha! Well, because Why? has so many implications for improvement and growth that I knew my need for the break would possibly stunt the very growth that I normally encouraged. Why? is such an important question, no matter the circumstances, ages or reasons.

While it is true that a three-year-old's "Why?" is quite different from that of a teenager's, which differs from an adult's, the foundation of the question is really quite similar. There is a desire to understand, to challenge and to seek information. "Why?" is such an important question, and one that we need to constantly bring to the forefront of what we do. As such, I challenge you today to keep asking yourself:

"Why?" 

1. Why do I feel this way? 
2. Why did I react as I did? 
3. Why don't I agree with this person? 
4. Why do I feel so strongly about this? 
5. Why do I keep doing it this way?
6. Why do I want to give up today? 
7. Why do I continue to surround myself with people who don't bring out my best? 
8. Why? Why? Why?

We need to keep asking Why? If we are honest with ourselves, we might begin to understand the reasoning behind our thoughts, actions and interactions. Then, when we have that understanding, the real challenge comes...the second most frequently asked words in the child questioning continuum. This request for further knowledge is wrapped into two small words.  Know which words are uttered next in the Why? conversation?  That's right:

"What if...?"

1. What if I try to change how I feel? 
2. What if I react with more compassion? 
3. What if I try to see it their way? 
4. What if I try to cool down a bit?
5. What if I try to do it another way? 
6. What if I look for the positive in my day...all day? 
7. What if I only surround myself with people who raise me up? 
8. What if? What if? What if?

I know I sometimes become complacent with why I do certain things, why I think certain ways and why I allow myself to believe I just need to accept things as they are. Not true!!!  When we stop asking Why?, we get stuck. We cannot function at our best if we are stuck in a No Why Zone. We are called to so much more!  We are questioners that need to go beyond the Why? to the What if...?  

Thank you for reading and until next time, keep on questioning,

With much gratitude,

Fred.