At All Times, Reflect Love

I recall hearing a story years ago about a dad getting his children ready for Sunday morning mass. When the time for departure arrived his teenage daughter declared that he could not force her to go to church.  He calmly looked at his watch and asked her, "How old are you now?" She confidently declared, "16!".  His answer was a calm and measured, "Right on time. Get in the car."

A book written by Anthony E. Wolf, PhD in 1991 called, Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall was my go-to resource as I traveled around speaking to groups of teens and their parents about the trials, triumphs and tribulations of family life during the adolescent years. The book was revised in 2002 and described as, "A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated". Even the updated edition is now as old as the people it sets out to explain, but it is just as relevant today as it was all those  years ago. Why?  Because the process of teens going through adolescence and breaking away from their parents has not changed.  Teens have always been doing just what they are supposed to and parents have always tried to accept, guide, and understand them on their journey.

As educators who get to choose the stage of childhood we most enjoy, we are blessed to experience the same age year after year, watching and enjoying the gradual maturation of the students put before us.  We know what to expect of our grade-level and as much as we appreciate this gift, it might cause us to lose perspective of what parents are experiencing. You see, as parents enter each new stage of child and family development, they encounter uncharted territory. They are understandably filled with uncertainty and the list of questions is lengthy. "Am I doing this right?"  "Am I firm enough?"  "Am I compassionate enough?"  "Will both my child and I make it out of this alive?"

Parenting requires support.  Unfortunately when parents look for support, it often is considerably more detrimental than helpful.  A recent Facebook conversation  prompted this post.  It was begun by a mother seeking advice for dealing with her angry teen.  The response thread was wrought with bad advice, sarcasm and belittling of true childhood stressors. In the end it was just a disparaging rant of negativity on how those conversing viewed the raising of children. Supportive empathy, which is what this mother needed, was nowhere to be found in the dialogue.  This struck me as distressing, both as a parent and a teacher.

Since it is part of our gift as teachers to know that yes, children go through stages of development and emerge on the other side closer to their full adult potential, I believe we have an obligation to work with and support parents in every stage of child development. Each stage of development includes strife and triumph; struggle and victory.  For parents, it is often impossible to see the triumph and victory as they muddle through the strife and struggle.  But as teachers who have the privilege of watching the cycle of development run its course year after year, we can and should share our wisdom with parents in such a way that truly supports their efforts to guide their children to maturity.  

For years I shied away from giving advice to parents of teens, considering myself unqualified. I limited my input to what I had read, passing along numerous books that seemed to get it right.  Now here I am, the mom of five kids aged 10-18.  I've felt the angst of my daughters as they struggle with stress and anxiety, the anguished indecision of my son as he attempted to define his passions and the general uncertainty of teenage strife.  I've allowed myself to feel the frustration of not being able to alleviate stressors and the exciting loss of having my teens let go of me in order to confront things on their own. I believe I am prepared and qualified to share the wisdom I've gained, and I know my teaching peers and fellow parents are as well.  We are all in this together!

And so, I leave this final thought in hopes that my Facebook friend might get a chance to read, but knowing all teachers and parents can use this reminder.  As far as angry children go, when they are in the moment of rage, they will yell.  They will say they hate you.  Quite honestly, in that moment, they probably really mean it too. Luckily you are an adult. You are able to absorb their emotion, let go of the words. and reflect unconditional love back on that child.  You are blessed to be their parent and teacher!  Embrace it!!!  It's all part of their breaking away.  With every utterance of hate, I give thanks to God for these beautiful, strong teens in my life who show me each day what it means to rise above challenges and face fears. They demonstrate what it means to be unsure of oneself, but persevere.  I like to believe that the stronger they hate, the stronger their love for the relationship that we've been building all the years prior to this moment.  I'm not so sure that's true, but it is a comfort in the midst of strife and it makes sense.  Think about it...you would be easy to break free from, easy to dismiss, if they didn't love you so deeply. So let them feel the hate. Let them speak it as well. Then let them see that you love them anyway. The hate won't last, but the lesson learned in the midst of that moment will.  Let the lesson be one of unconditional love.