Are You the One?

Are You the One?

Are you the one to whom I can send my child in the morning and know that he will be listened to, cared about and loved?

Are you the one who will understand my child, sit with her when she misses me, and hand her crayons as an invitation to draw a picture for comfort.

Are you the one who is always able to answer 

respect with respect, 

kindness with kindness, 

love with love, 

and disrespect with 
respect, kindness, and love?

Are you the one who greets my child with a smile even just moments after leaving your own difficulties, struggles and challenges.

Are you the one who will not critique me as a parent, but will work with me and guide me in the ways necessary to help my child?

Are you the one to whom I can turn when I don't know how to help my own child?

Are you the one who will not give up on my child even when he thinks he is worthless?

Are you the one who will not judge?

Are you the one who took the extra time to talk with the group about what we might feel at a time like this? Who helped us put into words the feelings that grip our souls? Who gave my child the language necessary to express feelings that were foreign and new so that she could release the angst inside?

I feel heaviness on my heart.

I feel a sadness so deep it is frightening.

I feel I just can't take it anymore.

I feel I want to help but I don't know how.

I feel guilty for how I treated him.

Are you the one who wonders what more you could have done?

Don't be afraid...

Don't miss your chance...

Don't neglect the calling to...

Be the one. 

                 Be the one. 

                                  Be the one.  

Even though you are scared and hurt and grieving, 

Even though you don't know what to say,

Even though you wish you could escape, 

Even though you want to give up, 

Don't. 

Please don't. 

Instead, be the one my child can trust.

Be the one. 

Please. 

There may be no one else.

You may be the only one 

who can

 Be the one.

Lesson from a Zinnia: Bloom Where You Are Planted

Humans have a penchant for comparing and looking beyond what we have to what we still desire. I suppose to a certain extent, this is what keeps us from becoming complacent in the belief that being good is good enough. But at what point does this type of unquenchable yearning become detrimental to our well-being and happiness? Further, at what point does it keep us from fidelity to our very purpose? 

I have had the joy of living a pretty challenging journey. One of the lessons I continue to learn is to live each day with deliberate action toward my purpose. Along the way, there continue to be obstacles and interferences that try to pull me away from where I am meant to be in order to do the work I have been created to do. And while the recipients of my purpose might change over time, the desire to live my intention is never vague. This strength, this fidelity of purpose, applies to both my personal and professional life. In my personal life, purpose has pulled me to make sure I am providing the best environment in which my children will flourish. In my professional life, my purpose calls me to provide a safe environment for my students so that they can become the best versions of themselves. Wait, did you see that? Similar purpose, varying roads. Know why? Because I believe our purpose is ingrained in our very being and leads us to the place where we need to spread our essence. 

We are meant to bloom where we are planted. We are not meant to shun the environment or look to neighboring fields with envy. We are not meant to judge our surroundings with a mind that wishes things were different. We are meant to find a place to set our roots so that our bloom can bring its intended joy to those who witness us living our purpose. In order to bloom, a flower must soak up the sun and accept the surroundings. It must drink in the water and take purchase in the soil so as to not be uprooted or bent or deterred. Can we really do that? I know we can!

As an educator, what is your purpose? Really...what makes this profession matter to you? Why are you here? I am not going to answer that for you because the reason is uniquely yours, but I challenge you to answer it for yourself. Answer it now, tomorrow, and every day following. And then, with that in mind at all times, consider those things about your present educational position that cause you to not be content. Are the two, purpose and discontent, related at all? I'm sorry if this is not making sense yet, but please be patient here.

The impetus for this post has been ongoing. I have been noticing a general feeling of unhappiness. Perhaps it is the time of year here in the Northeastern United States. The weather is cold and dreary. We are in the throes of cold and flu season. We just finished a nice holiday break and the hint of the next long break is a mere speck in the lens of the future. But in my mind, those are all the precise reasons to make these days glimmer and shine for our students. After all, you've heard the saying, "If mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy!" That holds true for the classroom, perhaps exponentially considering the number of students in your crew. 

And so, it becomes imperative to answer the question, "Why the discontent?" Spend time around schools or do some reading and you will notice any number of reasons for people to be unhappy in education...not enough contact time to teach the hefty curriculum, not enough common planning time with co-workers, too many reports to write, grading woes, student (mis)behavior, parental (lack of) support, the list goes on and on. This type of discontent, as you know, leads to the wandering eye of infidelity. I have heard much talk of how much more abundantly people are paid in other districts, how other schools have more planning periods built in and how others get release time to write reports and IEP's. Oh, how that grass is so much greener! This type of lamenting will do nothing but fill you with misery and lead you to forgetting your purpose.

Further, those messages of misery are likely not at all related to your purpose we discussed three paragraps ago. Remember that purpose? Did it have anything to do with making a lot of money, writing reports or grading? I sure hope not! I would bet your purpose had something to do with children, relationships, teaching and forging connections. It's imperative that we avoid toxic complaining about things that are unrelated to our purpose as educators. We have too much important work to do! 

I for one, am working right where I want to be, with a staff that is unparalleled in kindness, empathy for students, knowledge of student emotional needs and devotion to the craft of teaching. Why would I want to go anywhere else? More pay? More planning time? Lighter curriculum? None can outweigh what I have where I am. Is my district perfect? Nope. But it is a place full of potential and hope and people who truly love children. That is all irreplaceable and in direct correlation to my purpose as a teacher! And so, I make it work. I bring paperwork home to do at my kitchen table or I stay beyond the constraints of the school bell to complete what needs to be done. I find time to catch up with my colleagues to discuss best practice. And if I have a complaint about how things are being done, you better believe my gripe is followed up with ideas for improvement accompanied by my volunteering to take the lead.

This past summer a zinnia grew in a place where it got me to thinking. Along with the lilac which I love for it's tantalizing scent, the zinnia is my favorite flower for its vibrant beauty. Well, this zinnia that appeared seemingly out of nowhere provided another reason for this type of flower to hold a first place slot in my mind...strength of purpose. The zinnia didn't show up in a flower bed or along my garden plot. Take another look at that picture at the beginning of this post. It showed up in the crevice between the blacktop of the street and the curb that surrounds my property. It was beautifully out of place! Shades of red, blending into orange there for all to see and enjoy as they walked or drove along their way. It was a reminder to bloom right where we are planted...in the unlikeliest, most imperfect of places, in the crevices and in the challenging spots, because we can never know what joy and beauty we might bring to those who witness our strength of character, our love of life and our fidelity of purpose when we take the chance and time to bloom.

Being Stretched

Today is the day we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s life. That makes it January 20th, 20 days into the new year, and so it seems fitting that I should finally commit to my One Word for 2020. I could just write the ole, "Why I Chose My One Word, by Donna Maccaroni", but it took me so darn long to finally take ownership of the word that it only seems fair to drag you along the journey with me. So hang with me, don't peak ahead, and in case you are wondering, "Temptation" is not my One Word, 2020.

The word I settled on actually came to me in December. It was almost a challenge, a taunting, if you will. It lingered in the air after someone told me that I have a lot of it. I tell you, it hung there staring me down, daring me to reach up and accept it. But alas, I just could not. There are many reasons for that, most notable being that I do not always feel I should have the word I've chosen. You read that correctly. The word I shall try to live in 2020 is a word that I have a difficult time accepting because I associate it with people who are incredibly powerful and have much more authority than I will ever wish to have. People like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and his idol and hero, Mahatma Gandhi, for example. I don't want that kind of responsibility, position or power...and yet, I find myself compelled to try to live this word to its fullest meaning in my own life, in my home and in my community.

My word is not Impact. Gandhi and King made an impact for sure! I toyed around with choosing Impact but to have an impact implies having a force that controls a situation. That is not my personality, nor will it ever be. I can impact my home or my classroom with my negative or positive attitude, but it often does not feel good. There is a certain dimension of the participation of others that must be out of their control for me to impact them. I don't usually try to intentionally impact someone, for it is much more effective if they come to the realization that what I am showing them will enhance their lives, and so they then choose to follow my lead. It's a subtlty of purpose that I wish to embody.

I also considered Inspire for my 2020 One Word. Those two greats most definitley inspired many! And while I hope I inspire others, it is not a trait that I think I necessarily need to work on owning or giving freely. I am always ready to give a little shove, a little encouragement, a little hint of inspiration to help someone along their way. I am often intentional in generating a feeling of "You've got this!" It comes naturally to me and I feel completely competent in inspiring others since it really is no reflection on me to do so. There is no part of Inspiration that implies I have something you need, it simply takes what someone already possesses and shows them where it is. No skin off my back, as the saying goes.

With lack of confidence so clearly being the reason I did not commit to my word sooner, one might conclude (as I said to a Twitter friend) that perhaps "Confidence" should have been my word for 2020. Here's the kicker, that was my 2019 word. Can't tell, right? I know. I'm still working on it. But this year's word will challenge me even more than Confidence challenged me to live it as though I own it. I will need to say it over and over, again and again, to solidify it in my mind and accept it as something I need to do.

Influence
                Influence
                               Influence
                                               Influence
                                                               Influence

There it is. "Influence". It is my hope that in 2020 I will have the confidence necessary to Influence the people and situations around me. Influence...it's a subtle word. It sneaks in and changes people without ever demanding a thing. Gandhi influenced King without ever intending to. I hope to Influence others toward their own personal greatness. I hope to Influence those who spew negativity to help them consider optimism. I hope to Influence those who tend toward gossip to choose kindness. I believe I have the power, but not always the confidence, to positively Influence situations, circumstances and actions just by being me. Influence. It's subtle...and that is what will help me to own it.

I hope you challenged yourself with a One Word 2020 that will make you stretch. If you wouldn't mind sharing, I'd love to hear how you will try to grow into a better version of you in 2020 just by changing how you live one little word.

Don't Assume They Know

Just before Winter Break I had each of my students do one final task. It was a task that I thought would take only a few minutes so I saved it for the final days, nonchalantly throwing it in between discussion about our One Word selections and final check-ins regarding completed novels and Social Studies chapters.  However in the moments following the instruction, "Put your address on the front of this envelope.", it became increasingly clear that I had wandered into something that needed much more attention and time. Questions were flying to determine the front, what goes into the address, where it is to be located and why it must be legible. There were many more questions, and the final product was not produced until a demonstration ensued and many corrections were endured. In the end, on my trip to Boston I had the envelopes ready for their journey. Upon our return to school students had stories to tell of receiving their mail over the break.

The revelation of my students' lack of knowledge that most of us as adults take for granted got me thinking. What other important things do we assume they know, or do we think they should know, when really they are lacking the knowledge necessary to perform the task? One item that immediately comes to mind has been the focus of my school's book study this year. In Lost at School, the premise is that student misbehavior is simply an indication that they do not know a better way to behave in certain circumstances.

Hear that again...students do not choose to do the wrong thing. They are lacking the skills necessary to do the right thing.

What do you think? Can you accept this as truth? I know it is a tough one, but imagine with me what would happen to our strategies for dealing with misbehavior if we accept this one truth: "Children misbehave when they do not have the skills to do differently."

I do not wish to say much more about this, though I do invite you to read the book by Ross W. Greene, PhD. Much of what he has to say challenges us to really look at student behavior with new lenses, lenses that do not assume children know something just because we think they should. In the next few days I implore you to consider the concept as you encounter your students. As their misbehavior invites interaction, take inventory of your inner thoughts. Are you accusing them of deliberately choosing to do wrong? Do you truly believe that if they knew how to do things the right way, they would still choose misbehavior? Try to imagine how differently their day would go if they were given new skills instead of punishments, a redirection instead of a reprimand and a hug to model kindness instead of a nasty remark for their indiscretions.

A friend suggested that a grade be assigned based on the arrival of each student envelope to its destination, but that's not really what this exercise was about...not this time around anyway. This time around, we celebrated that we learned something we didn't even know we didn't know. It is true that our envelopes were not masterpieces of perfection, but with a little understanding, modeling and perhaps special attention from the post office, each one made it to its destination with a loving thought to proud students from a grateful teacher.

Welcome Back to The Happiest Place on Earth!

As we sit on the eve of the post-Winter-break return to school, many of us might be feeling less than enthusiastic about the return to the hallways. If we go on social media, we are bombarded with a plethora of posts regarding the return. We are at the end of our leave, standing on the precipice of months before our next long respite. We feel the pull of the days ahead, knowing that we are in for the long haul. The feeling we are experiencing can appropriately be termed, "dread", for after such a nice couple weeks of waking at whim and as the joke goes, using the bathroom whenever we wish, the fact is, our break time is over. Sugar Plum Fairies, Elves on Shelves and Dreidels are already distant memories, put on hold for another 355 days or so, and the New Year is upon us with the reminder of expectations and hopes that only we can control.

One of the most popular sentiments shared over the last couple of days is how, as much as we might not want to return, there are students who are looking forward to the return to routine, attention and positive atmosphere. There are those students for whom 'break' was not pleasurable. Perhaps they stayed home alone much of the time as parents worked, or maybe food was not as readily available as it is during the school day, so they are anticipating the return to school, and the return to the safety of your classroom. While these are valuable reasons to look forward to the return and this knowledge might help some of us to find the strength to return on a positive note, how long will this sustain our desire to be in the classroom? A day? Maybe two?

Listen, it's no lie that most of us teach because we love children and want to be around them.  Knowing that we change lives daily and that we might be the only bright spot in the life of a child does wonders for our heart, sustaining us on the days when times are rough. This is good! This is necessary! This is why we do what we do! However, is it really wise to have this kind of reliance based on the needs of others? Is fulfilling the needs of others truly a reason for us to feel sustained and purposeful? What happens then, when we are no longer needed in that way? Just as in our family, spousal and other relationships we must find our own purpose, our own happiness, so too in teaching.

Let's make believe I no longer needed to work. I suddenly no longer needed to show up and earn a living. Maybe I hit the lottery that I never play, or perhaps I met the millionaire that would provide for my family and deliver the promise of a life devoid of financial concerns. Know what? I would still show up tomorrow. Because the kids might need me, yes. But its more than that. It is really because my heart experiences one of its happiest feelings when I am in my classroom! That's the truth! When I stand at my doorway and welcome students and staff to spend time with me, I am in my zone. I am happy.  I am fulfilled. And I experience all of this whether or not I am needed by those around me. So yes, you read me correctly... my classroom is a source of joy and I need to be in school!

A couple years ago I had the honor of accompanying some of my special students on a day trip to Disney. We awoke early in the morning and boarded a plane for "The Happiest Place on Earth" and returned late that same night. Upon my return to school the following day, one of my hallway neighbors and dearest friends allowed me to be greeted at the door by a sign that read, "Welcome back to the (second) happiest place on earth." I get teary still when I recall the moment I saw that sign. Exhausted from the previous day's adventure to Disney, I read that sign and was overwhelmed with happiness and fulfillment in my work, in my colleagues, in my students, in my classroom, in my school....in my life, because that sign was a reminder to me of what is created when my students and I combine!!! There was nowhere else I wanted to be at that moment.

That feeling of abundance in joy when certain souls mix together is the feeling that sustains me, even on the days when I would prefer to sleep in, read all day or do any number of things that make my heart sing. My classroom, with my students, is one of the happiest places I am blessed to spend my days. And that, my friends, is where I choose to let my mind go tonight as I drift off to sleep at the end of my Winter break. Good night! Sleep well and I hope you dream of ways to make tomorrow a magical day for you and your students as you all convene once again to enjoy your own unique version of  "The Happiest Place on Earth"!

Intrusive Homework Disorder...IHD

Disorder: an illness or condition that disrupts normal physical or mental functions.

Would you believe my daughter informed me yesterday that her teacher already told her that she will have homework over the Winter break!  Hold me back!!! There are so many ways my mind wants to go with this post!!! So hold on tight and whether or not you are a proponent of homework, you need to read on.

First I know there will be those questioning, "Students will have 10, 11 or even 12 days of break. Are you telling me they can't fit in homework during that time?" After all, it only takes a couple hours to do homework and we have days! Sounds reasonable and not at all egregious. Can they 'fit it in'?  of course. But I am here to tell you...look at that strong word I used there, "tell"...not suggest, ask or posit...I am here to tell you, having the time to do the work is not the point!

The point is that if I have something I need to do, I am feeling the anxiety, worry and planning associated with that task. That is NOT a break!  And if I have something that needs doing, even if I do it right when I get home from school, it is still infringing on the hard earned time away. But I am already digressing....let me get back on track lest you think this post is just going to go through the list of positives and negatives of homework. The only point I have to make in this post will put the kibosh on any other argument one might present for giving homework over a long break. ("Training them for college" anyone?...wrong!....my son just got home Thursday night from college...no homework, just saying)

I will stop playing and digressing now, I promise. This is serious.

Here is my main point, and you need to hear it loud and clear. We live in a time when we have forgotten to take our own care seriously. "Self-care" is an actual thing now, not a natural tendency as it should be. Even the most primitive animals have the natural tendency toward self-preservation, but not us anymore. We have to implicitly teach 'coping with stress', 'strategies for organizing' and 'deliberate self-care'. As teachers we must provide "brain breaks", we need to teach "mindfulness", we need to remember to eat right and exercise.  How is it possible that we have forgotten how to 'do' the most natural of tasks, taking care of ourselves? Self-preservation is in our natural make-up, yet somehow we have forgotten how to practice it!  That is insane! But I know how it happened...I know the reason.

Intrusive Homework Disorder, or IHD, is a result of years of schooling where we have foregone the natural tendency of humans to take a break from the stresses of school in the name of homework. We have taught nature right out of our kids. We ourselves, the adults of the 21st Century, are the product of the early stages of IHD. We need classes and tutorials and Ten Step Plans regarding self-care because in the name of teaching responsibility, we have untaught self-preservation. In a time when we need to teach people to "do" self-care, we have a lot of nerve suggesting the teaching benefits of homework. Do you see what it is teaching when we don't allow people to have the break that is necessary to come back refreshed?  We are teaching that the 'self' does not, in fact, matter, and the 'self' certainly does not come first.

There is nothing, NOTHING, that we teach in our curriculum that students need to 'work on' over a break.

In case you missed it:  N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!

Please don't be a perpetuator of a poor practice! Students need to take a break from all the stresses and reminders of school. And by the way, the same goes for you!  In case you are one of the casualties of IHD, here is your permission to take a break over break. Sounds insane, right, that someone should need to permit you to take a break, but the symptoms of IHD are pervasive. Together we can work through and defeat this disorder. In case you are so far gone that you have completely forgotten, a break is time to leave the work behind. It is time to enjoy the people put in your immediate vicinity to the greatest extent possible. While you are taking the break from work, you might want to consider a break from the other things that keep you from fully enjoying those you love: worry, devices, self-pity, etc...you can do it. You might need to train yourself, old habits are hard to extinguish, but the good news is that the effects of IHD are reversable. Once you feel the freedom, you will be stronger to resist its hold on you. You deserve a break! You need a break! Your students and personal children need to learn from your example of taking a break! The Road to Recovery is paved with happiness. Together we can do it!

A side note: This is one of those posts that regardless of how many times I reread it, I still am not quite sure how much of it is in jest, and how much of it I feel so strongly that I want to scream.  You can decide.  Thanks for reading!  D.

Allow the Experience of Struggle

Confession: I just took my daughter's social studies study guide, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash can. Two points for my clean shot from across the dining room. I do believe I saw that in a parenting book somewhere. It would have been the chapter about surviving the teen years, or perhaps the one on how to proceed through them without needing psychiatric care in the end. You see, my daughter who shall remain anonymous, has been crying for about an hour now.  Heck, she's been crying for a full month, about how unfair her teachers are and how hard school is. The actual list of complaints is much longer but generally speaking, when the tirade begins, the other three girls and I run for the hills. But tonight, I just couldn't stay away as the tearful rant went on about how she is just going to fail because it's so unfair, and how she doesn't understand ANYTHING! Don't get me wrong. I feel for her. It sucks to feel unprepared and to have no other course but to head for the very thing that is causing your angst. I get it! But it is also the path she has created for herself, and so the path she must take. It is certainly the best shot we have right now at having her learn to not procrastinate and instead put in the time necessary in order to understand challenging material.

(Lest you are a teacher of one of my children, let me be clear...THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEIR TEACHERS! You are all awesome and just what they each need this year!!!)

School generally comes easily for my children and as such, it is not teaching them much about real life. Usually they skate through their classes barely batting an eye, writing what needs writing, performing math as if it is second nature, and picking up the intricacies of science.  But not this year for this child. And here's my nasty little secret: it's all just fine with me! This child has needed to have the experience of struggling, the wake-up call of challenging work and the consequences of putting things off even though you know the deadline looms. She has needed to know that struggles and challenges don't just go away because you want them to or because you chose to attempt to avoid them. She might even need to cry and get it out and feel like she is going to fail. Mean of me?  maybe....but in the end, she will not only survive, she will learn a valuable lesson or two at the cost of a social studies grade. Not a bad deal. She will learn that procrastination will not get the work done. She will learn that she must read the material instead of trying to write an essay without putting in the grunt work. In the end, when we look back, she will learn that her mom stands by her even when she might not feel that my watching from the sidelines is effective support at all.

The connection I make here is to my "me-ness" over the years, dying a little in order to surrender to the potential that was inside. For our full potential to come to fruition, we are given opportunities along the way where we must put forth an effort, put the needs of others first, or put ourselves on the path of failure in order to live through that, and emerge on the other side stronger for the pain and grateful for the glory.  In the end, while the glory is so wonderful to embrace, I think it is equally important to hold onto the memory of the pain. We need to recall how difficult those moments were in order to really appreciate how incredibly far we have come. So is the case for my daughter. When she starts to internalize the pain of the consequences of procrastination, she might be more apt to avoid it in the future.

You see, the pain, the struggle, the challenges are all there to be reminders for us as each new life-experience builds on the previous ones. This is even more important as teachers or parents of young children. We need to be secure in allowing them to struggle and maybe even fail. We know they will survive and even learn if we allow them to have the experience. To deprive them of the experience is to be negligent, especially when we will expect them to handle situations in the future as adults even though we have not allowed them to face struggles as children. We all need life-experiences in order to die a little, grow stronger and move closer to our full potential. 

As adults we are called to so much in the way of life-challenges. Staying up all night with a teething baby only to have to go to work the next day...foregoing the concerts, vacations, dinners out, because someone in our care is not well...losing a job, a home, a family member...deadlines, expectations and missed opportunities...the list goes on. Many adults shy away from these moments, dancing around them instead of living through them, and then they wonder why life is so difficult for them. Every moment in life is training us for the next. We need not be afraid to face challenges, struggle and suffer. We need to allow our children those same opportunities...now when we are here to be their guide. Not we can, but we must. It is our obligation.  After all, in the end, one cannot run mile 26 of a marathon without having run, suffered and survived the prior 25. Don't be afraid to let them fail!