Paying Attention to the Present Moment Gives a Glimpse Into the Future

I've always marveled at how the journey of today leads to the path of tomorrow. I often spend time talking with my students about how the present moment is the most important predictor of the future. This holds true for children as well as adults, and so I heed my own words as well. When we take the time to think back to the milestones in life, more often than not, there were many strokes that painted the picture we enjoy at completion. Years of study to attain a degree. Building a savings to buy a home. Rolling and crawling in order to stand. Things don't just happen. Each time we achieve something, if we take the time to glance back, we see that these accomplishments, these milestones, took effort, discipline and time. Taking it one step further, I'd like to posit that if we pay attention to the present moment, really drinking it in for all that it offers, we can catch a glimpse into the promise of our future.

A case in point is the humble structure that my children and I call home. During my married years, I would drive past this house on my way to retrieve my children from the school where they attended 4th, 5th and  6th grade. As we would pass I'd comment about the house to my children, admiring it's white concreate outer walls and deep green shutters. I would contemplate the yard and imagine how much my children would love to call such a park-like scene, home. When divorce was imminent and my soon-to-be ex-husband made it clear he had no intention of leaving the marital home, the kids and I set out to find a new home for us. It was October of my first year back to full-time teaching. It was with trepidation yet determination that we set our sights on finding our new nest to house our new normal. No sooner did we begin our search that this house, the one we had admired for years, went up for sale. When we had the chance to go inside, we immediately felt at home. We still went to visit three other properties, but we all agreed that this home was for us. This level of unanimous agreement is unprecedented! We can't even agree on pizza toppings. So what was it that called us so clearly to our new home? I believe it was the familiarity that was cultivated driving by this house all those years. All those strokes on the canvas helped us to recognize it as our home when it was time for us to begin this new journey. 

The availability of this house and the agreement among my children and me that it felt like home, solidified for me what I had always manipulated in my head. The basic premise is this: without us knowing, without us playing a deliberate part, if we are attuned to the events that make up our everyday life, hints are given and subtleties are provided that prepare us for the next steps we will encounter so that we can feel ready to leap when necessary. I am a firm believer in the idea that people and places are put in our path for a reason. There are absolutely no coincidences. Furthermore, I believe we are given sneak previews of those things to come, if only we pay attention. And then when it becomes necessary, our eyes are opened to a new perspective, revealing to us for the first time something we have been seeing for years. 

Sometimes we lament monotony in the cycles of life, but perhaps the monotony is there so that the new things we need to encounter are not so overwhelming as to paralyze us from moving forward when they are revealed. As such, we need to pay attention and soak in all that life sends our way, during the excitement as well as the tedium. Where do you need to pay more attention? Are you missing the signs of something tremendous that is awaiting your attention? Is it time for you to take a leap that is really just a step away? If you are feeling that things are totally alien, unfamiliarly frightening, or sneaking up on you, that is a sign that you might need to pay closer attention to the monotony. What are you overlooking? What strokes have already adorned the canvas of your future? This moment, right now, will shape your future-self in such a way that you can become a better person because of it, if only you pay attention.

I Love Teens: Judgement, Acceptance, and Perception

I attended a gathering of high school students and parents last week. My daughter is part of an amazing educational experience called Teen Pep, through which she and her peers teach younger high school kids about the realities of sex, drugs and safety. At this gathering, the group was discussing teens' ability to talk to their parents about private, intimate, typically uncomfortable matters. The teens in attendance were split on whether or not they communicate freely with their parents when they have questions about sex, drugs and other problems. However, whether or not they were able to communicate consistently, there was a common thread regarding the teens' discernment processes regarding whether or not to open up to their parents. On the occasion when they did not feel comfortable sharing with their parents, the reason was distinctly the same: fear of their parents passing judgement.

OUCH! This struck a chord in me since just the day before my daughter and I had a conversation, an intense conversation, that included these very accusations. She read a message in my "look", one I never meant to convey and I don't even think I was feeling, but the reality was there for her all the same. Her perception was one of negativity. Her perception was one of me questioning her character. She was hurt. She felt unaccepted. She was sure I was judging her. Was I? I don't believe so. However, now that some time has passed, I can understand why she believed I was. Let's take a look. 

But first...

Here is a video of my children about four years ago. The daughter mentioned above is behind the camera. Her three younger sisters are about 7, 10 and 11 at the time of recording. If you have children, you can recall and reminisce about the days when they were younger. In their mind and yours, you were their biggest fan. They would produce a video, a picture, a paragraph; heck, a sneeze; and look to you for your approval. And they always found it. Why? Because their perception was that, of course you would love anything they did. The fact that they assumed you would was not the point then, but it is precisely what is missing now that they are older. Back then, they just assumed your reaction to them would be positive because, well, why wouldn't it be? They were your awesome children, the very product of yourself, and that knowledge was enough for them to feel judged only on the basis of your unconditional love.

So what changes as they get older? The judgement? The approval? The disapproval? Their perception? The rules of the game?

The answer to all of these questions, I believe, is "Yes".  

Unwittingly or not, as our children grow through adolescence, our relationship changes. True, all those years of building a relationship when they were little is a guiding force during adolescence. But before pre-adolescence, they are still a part of us. As much as the nose on our face or that extra inch on our waist, they are a part of something larger, accepted for all of their perceived flaws or attractions. They know they are perfectly ours and they don't question our approval of them. 

When children grow through adolescence, anyone will tell you, it is a turbulent time. This is not good or bad. It just is. Why is this fact so strikingly true? Because they are pulling away from us, yanking really, right off our very selves in order to become a separate, individual, independent being. No longer a part of the parent, they now see themselves differently. Sometimes this feels liberating and at other times (maybe only a minute later), it feels frighteningly vulnerable. No longer a part of us, they notice our judgement on their actions, their utterances and their choices. While we may have always been judging situations of our children, with their new perspective, their new position unattached from us, they experience our viewpoint very differently.

But that is another distinction worth noting. Read that last sentence above again.  We "have always been judging situations"...they used to know that. When I exclaimed my delight about Pink Fluffy Unicorns, I wasn't in any way judging the individuals. I was judging their creativity, their enthusiasm and their ability to be silly.  But not them. Neither am I doing so now when my daughter comes to me to express herself, ask questions or point fingers. I am not judging the person, but that is exactly what the person believes is happening. I don't know about you, but I know that judging my children is not for me to do any more than I judge you, or my students, or my family, or my friends. It is not up to me to judge, but to be with people where they are. It is, however, up to me to look at a situation, mull it in my mind, and let my teens know my thoughts.

So how do we let them know we are not here to pass judgement on them? How do we become the person they know they can talk to no matter what it is they have to tell us? How do we reopen the lines of communication and trust that ran so readily just a few years ago? Patience...Unconditional Love...Trusting Them With Our Uncertainties...Freely Giving Our Acceptance...Talking Candidly With Them and Their Friends...Doing all that we can to remind them that we are here to listen to them, to guide them, to accept them and to catch them when they fall. We are still, and always will be, their biggest fan.

Mom! Why? What if...???

Any parent will tell you that there are times when the needs of children become overwhelming.  Some words and questions are heard over and over, hundreds of times in a day. I am here to tell you, there are remedies...but there are also good reasons to allow the words and questions to be repeated. 

When the kids were little and I was home with them, there were days when the incessant "Mom. Mom? MOM!!!" would get to the point of being intolerable. If I had to hear "Mom?!" one more time, I thought I might scream. Luckily, "Mom" overuse was easily fixed with humor. I would simply declare that my name was Fred. If the kids needed me, they were expected to call me Fred since that was the only name to which I would respond for however long I needed to regroup. The ensuing giggling alone was like salve to my mind, alleviating the stress and helping us move forward with our day. By the way, this was done at home as well as when we were out and about. Occasionally the moniker was rewarded with an incredulous look from a fellow shopper or a chuckle from an amused cashier. Just icing on the cake!

The second most overly used word in my home environment was "Why?" Why? was much less frequently squashed, mainly because my curious nature and my desire to nurture thinkers and questioners drove me to feel torn between the need for silence and the desire to invite opportunities to teach. There were certainly times when I absolutely needed to declare a "No Why Zone" in order to maintain my sanity.  I just could not endure another Why? This was never done lightly or without consideration for the consequences of silencing curiosity. Why, you may ask? haha! Well, because Why? has so many implications for improvement and growth that I knew my need for the break would possibly stunt the very growth that I normally encouraged. Why? is such an important question, no matter the circumstances, ages or reasons.

While it is true that a three-year-old's "Why?" is quite different from that of a teenager's, which differs from an adult's, the foundation of the question is really quite similar. There is a desire to understand, to challenge and to seek information. "Why?" is such an important question, and one that we need to constantly bring to the forefront of what we do. As such, I challenge you today to keep asking yourself:

"Why?" 

1. Why do I feel this way? 
2. Why did I react as I did? 
3. Why don't I agree with this person? 
4. Why do I feel so strongly about this? 
5. Why do I keep doing it this way?
6. Why do I want to give up today? 
7. Why do I continue to surround myself with people who don't bring out my best? 
8. Why? Why? Why?

We need to keep asking Why? If we are honest with ourselves, we might begin to understand the reasoning behind our thoughts, actions and interactions. Then, when we have that understanding, the real challenge comes...the second most frequently asked words in the child questioning continuum. This request for further knowledge is wrapped into two small words.  Know which words are uttered next in the Why? conversation?  That's right:

"What if...?"

1. What if I try to change how I feel? 
2. What if I react with more compassion? 
3. What if I try to see it their way? 
4. What if I try to cool down a bit?
5. What if I try to do it another way? 
6. What if I look for the positive in my day...all day? 
7. What if I only surround myself with people who raise me up? 
8. What if? What if? What if?

I know I sometimes become complacent with why I do certain things, why I think certain ways and why I allow myself to believe I just need to accept things as they are. Not true!!!  When we stop asking Why?, we get stuck. We cannot function at our best if we are stuck in a No Why Zone. We are called to so much more!  We are questioners that need to go beyond the Why? to the What if...?  

Thank you for reading and until next time, keep on questioning,

With much gratitude,

Fred.

Are You the One?

Are You the One?

Are you the one to whom I can send my child in the morning and know that he will be listened to, cared about and loved?

Are you the one who will understand my child, sit with her when she misses me, and hand her crayons as an invitation to draw a picture for comfort.

Are you the one who is always able to answer 

respect with respect, 

kindness with kindness, 

love with love, 

and disrespect with 
respect, kindness, and love?

Are you the one who greets my child with a smile even just moments after leaving your own difficulties, struggles and challenges.

Are you the one who will not critique me as a parent, but will work with me and guide me in the ways necessary to help my child?

Are you the one to whom I can turn when I don't know how to help my own child?

Are you the one who will not give up on my child even when he thinks he is worthless?

Are you the one who will not judge?

Are you the one who took the extra time to talk with the group about what we might feel at a time like this? Who helped us put into words the feelings that grip our souls? Who gave my child the language necessary to express feelings that were foreign and new so that she could release the angst inside?

I feel heaviness on my heart.

I feel a sadness so deep it is frightening.

I feel I just can't take it anymore.

I feel I want to help but I don't know how.

I feel guilty for how I treated him.

Are you the one who wonders what more you could have done?

Don't be afraid...

Don't miss your chance...

Don't neglect the calling to...

Be the one. 

                 Be the one. 

                                  Be the one.  

Even though you are scared and hurt and grieving, 

Even though you don't know what to say,

Even though you wish you could escape, 

Even though you want to give up, 

Don't. 

Please don't. 

Instead, be the one my child can trust.

Be the one. 

Please. 

There may be no one else.

You may be the only one 

who can

 Be the one.

Lesson from a Zinnia: Bloom Where You Are Planted

Humans have a penchant for comparing and looking beyond what we have to what we still desire. I suppose to a certain extent, this is what keeps us from becoming complacent in the belief that being good is good enough. But at what point does this type of unquenchable yearning become detrimental to our well-being and happiness? Further, at what point does it keep us from fidelity to our very purpose? 

I have had the joy of living a pretty challenging journey. One of the lessons I continue to learn is to live each day with deliberate action toward my purpose. Along the way, there continue to be obstacles and interferences that try to pull me away from where I am meant to be in order to do the work I have been created to do. And while the recipients of my purpose might change over time, the desire to live my intention is never vague. This strength, this fidelity of purpose, applies to both my personal and professional life. In my personal life, purpose has pulled me to make sure I am providing the best environment in which my children will flourish. In my professional life, my purpose calls me to provide a safe environment for my students so that they can become the best versions of themselves. Wait, did you see that? Similar purpose, varying roads. Know why? Because I believe our purpose is ingrained in our very being and leads us to the place where we need to spread our essence. 

We are meant to bloom where we are planted. We are not meant to shun the environment or look to neighboring fields with envy. We are not meant to judge our surroundings with a mind that wishes things were different. We are meant to find a place to set our roots so that our bloom can bring its intended joy to those who witness us living our purpose. In order to bloom, a flower must soak up the sun and accept the surroundings. It must drink in the water and take purchase in the soil so as to not be uprooted or bent or deterred. Can we really do that? I know we can!

As an educator, what is your purpose? Really...what makes this profession matter to you? Why are you here? I am not going to answer that for you because the reason is uniquely yours, but I challenge you to answer it for yourself. Answer it now, tomorrow, and every day following. And then, with that in mind at all times, consider those things about your present educational position that cause you to not be content. Are the two, purpose and discontent, related at all? I'm sorry if this is not making sense yet, but please be patient here.

The impetus for this post has been ongoing. I have been noticing a general feeling of unhappiness. Perhaps it is the time of year here in the Northeastern United States. The weather is cold and dreary. We are in the throes of cold and flu season. We just finished a nice holiday break and the hint of the next long break is a mere speck in the lens of the future. But in my mind, those are all the precise reasons to make these days glimmer and shine for our students. After all, you've heard the saying, "If mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy!" That holds true for the classroom, perhaps exponentially considering the number of students in your crew. 

And so, it becomes imperative to answer the question, "Why the discontent?" Spend time around schools or do some reading and you will notice any number of reasons for people to be unhappy in education...not enough contact time to teach the hefty curriculum, not enough common planning time with co-workers, too many reports to write, grading woes, student (mis)behavior, parental (lack of) support, the list goes on and on. This type of discontent, as you know, leads to the wandering eye of infidelity. I have heard much talk of how much more abundantly people are paid in other districts, how other schools have more planning periods built in and how others get release time to write reports and IEP's. Oh, how that grass is so much greener! This type of lamenting will do nothing but fill you with misery and lead you to forgetting your purpose.

Further, those messages of misery are likely not at all related to your purpose we discussed three paragraps ago. Remember that purpose? Did it have anything to do with making a lot of money, writing reports or grading? I sure hope not! I would bet your purpose had something to do with children, relationships, teaching and forging connections. It's imperative that we avoid toxic complaining about things that are unrelated to our purpose as educators. We have too much important work to do! 

I for one, am working right where I want to be, with a staff that is unparalleled in kindness, empathy for students, knowledge of student emotional needs and devotion to the craft of teaching. Why would I want to go anywhere else? More pay? More planning time? Lighter curriculum? None can outweigh what I have where I am. Is my district perfect? Nope. But it is a place full of potential and hope and people who truly love children. That is all irreplaceable and in direct correlation to my purpose as a teacher! And so, I make it work. I bring paperwork home to do at my kitchen table or I stay beyond the constraints of the school bell to complete what needs to be done. I find time to catch up with my colleagues to discuss best practice. And if I have a complaint about how things are being done, you better believe my gripe is followed up with ideas for improvement accompanied by my volunteering to take the lead.

This past summer a zinnia grew in a place where it got me to thinking. Along with the lilac which I love for it's tantalizing scent, the zinnia is my favorite flower for its vibrant beauty. Well, this zinnia that appeared seemingly out of nowhere provided another reason for this type of flower to hold a first place slot in my mind...strength of purpose. The zinnia didn't show up in a flower bed or along my garden plot. Take another look at that picture at the beginning of this post. It showed up in the crevice between the blacktop of the street and the curb that surrounds my property. It was beautifully out of place! Shades of red, blending into orange there for all to see and enjoy as they walked or drove along their way. It was a reminder to bloom right where we are planted...in the unlikeliest, most imperfect of places, in the crevices and in the challenging spots, because we can never know what joy and beauty we might bring to those who witness our strength of character, our love of life and our fidelity of purpose when we take the chance and time to bloom.

Being Stretched

Today is the day we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s life. That makes it January 20th, 20 days into the new year, and so it seems fitting that I should finally commit to my One Word for 2020. I could just write the ole, "Why I Chose My One Word, by Donna Maccaroni", but it took me so darn long to finally take ownership of the word that it only seems fair to drag you along the journey with me. So hang with me, don't peak ahead, and in case you are wondering, "Temptation" is not my One Word, 2020.

The word I settled on actually came to me in December. It was almost a challenge, a taunting, if you will. It lingered in the air after someone told me that I have a lot of it. I tell you, it hung there staring me down, daring me to reach up and accept it. But alas, I just could not. There are many reasons for that, most notable being that I do not always feel I should have the word I've chosen. You read that correctly. The word I shall try to live in 2020 is a word that I have a difficult time accepting because I associate it with people who are incredibly powerful and have much more authority than I will ever wish to have. People like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and his idol and hero, Mahatma Gandhi, for example. I don't want that kind of responsibility, position or power...and yet, I find myself compelled to try to live this word to its fullest meaning in my own life, in my home and in my community.

My word is not Impact. Gandhi and King made an impact for sure! I toyed around with choosing Impact but to have an impact implies having a force that controls a situation. That is not my personality, nor will it ever be. I can impact my home or my classroom with my negative or positive attitude, but it often does not feel good. There is a certain dimension of the participation of others that must be out of their control for me to impact them. I don't usually try to intentionally impact someone, for it is much more effective if they come to the realization that what I am showing them will enhance their lives, and so they then choose to follow my lead. It's a subtlty of purpose that I wish to embody.

I also considered Inspire for my 2020 One Word. Those two greats most definitley inspired many! And while I hope I inspire others, it is not a trait that I think I necessarily need to work on owning or giving freely. I am always ready to give a little shove, a little encouragement, a little hint of inspiration to help someone along their way. I am often intentional in generating a feeling of "You've got this!" It comes naturally to me and I feel completely competent in inspiring others since it really is no reflection on me to do so. There is no part of Inspiration that implies I have something you need, it simply takes what someone already possesses and shows them where it is. No skin off my back, as the saying goes.

With lack of confidence so clearly being the reason I did not commit to my word sooner, one might conclude (as I said to a Twitter friend) that perhaps "Confidence" should have been my word for 2020. Here's the kicker, that was my 2019 word. Can't tell, right? I know. I'm still working on it. But this year's word will challenge me even more than Confidence challenged me to live it as though I own it. I will need to say it over and over, again and again, to solidify it in my mind and accept it as something I need to do.

Influence
                Influence
                               Influence
                                               Influence
                                                               Influence

There it is. "Influence". It is my hope that in 2020 I will have the confidence necessary to Influence the people and situations around me. Influence...it's a subtle word. It sneaks in and changes people without ever demanding a thing. Gandhi influenced King without ever intending to. I hope to Influence others toward their own personal greatness. I hope to Influence those who spew negativity to help them consider optimism. I hope to Influence those who tend toward gossip to choose kindness. I believe I have the power, but not always the confidence, to positively Influence situations, circumstances and actions just by being me. Influence. It's subtle...and that is what will help me to own it.

I hope you challenged yourself with a One Word 2020 that will make you stretch. If you wouldn't mind sharing, I'd love to hear how you will try to grow into a better version of you in 2020 just by changing how you live one little word.

Don't Assume They Know

Just before Winter Break I had each of my students do one final task. It was a task that I thought would take only a few minutes so I saved it for the final days, nonchalantly throwing it in between discussion about our One Word selections and final check-ins regarding completed novels and Social Studies chapters.  However in the moments following the instruction, "Put your address on the front of this envelope.", it became increasingly clear that I had wandered into something that needed much more attention and time. Questions were flying to determine the front, what goes into the address, where it is to be located and why it must be legible. There were many more questions, and the final product was not produced until a demonstration ensued and many corrections were endured. In the end, on my trip to Boston I had the envelopes ready for their journey. Upon our return to school students had stories to tell of receiving their mail over the break.

The revelation of my students' lack of knowledge that most of us as adults take for granted got me thinking. What other important things do we assume they know, or do we think they should know, when really they are lacking the knowledge necessary to perform the task? One item that immediately comes to mind has been the focus of my school's book study this year. In Lost at School, the premise is that student misbehavior is simply an indication that they do not know a better way to behave in certain circumstances.

Hear that again...students do not choose to do the wrong thing. They are lacking the skills necessary to do the right thing.

What do you think? Can you accept this as truth? I know it is a tough one, but imagine with me what would happen to our strategies for dealing with misbehavior if we accept this one truth: "Children misbehave when they do not have the skills to do differently."

I do not wish to say much more about this, though I do invite you to read the book by Ross W. Greene, PhD. Much of what he has to say challenges us to really look at student behavior with new lenses, lenses that do not assume children know something just because we think they should. In the next few days I implore you to consider the concept as you encounter your students. As their misbehavior invites interaction, take inventory of your inner thoughts. Are you accusing them of deliberately choosing to do wrong? Do you truly believe that if they knew how to do things the right way, they would still choose misbehavior? Try to imagine how differently their day would go if they were given new skills instead of punishments, a redirection instead of a reprimand and a hug to model kindness instead of a nasty remark for their indiscretions.

A friend suggested that a grade be assigned based on the arrival of each student envelope to its destination, but that's not really what this exercise was about...not this time around anyway. This time around, we celebrated that we learned something we didn't even know we didn't know. It is true that our envelopes were not masterpieces of perfection, but with a little understanding, modeling and perhaps special attention from the post office, each one made it to its destination with a loving thought to proud students from a grateful teacher.